


Little Earthquakes

by fictitiousgirl



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: F/F, Rape Recovery
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-19
Updated: 2015-12-07
Packaged: 2018-04-21 13:59:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 10
Words: 53,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4831658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fictitiousgirl/pseuds/fictitiousgirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Arizona is attacked in the parking lot of Seattle Grace, everything changes...and her relationship with Callie is put to the test.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> UPDATED AUTHOR'S NOTE, 9/19/2015
> 
> I originally wrote this story between June 2010 and March 2012 (yikes, I know) and posted it both on Fanfiction.net and an LJ I created to host the story. In August 2012, FF.net removed it from their site due to its graphic nature, which was lame, but whatever. At the time, I had planned to find another archive to host it, since it wasn't easy to find via LJ. It's taken me a while, but here I am. Hence, this story now reads like a total AU due to the many character deaths, relationship shake-ups, and other dramatic changes in Grey's Anatomy over the past few years.
> 
> I can't help but do a light edit as I post, and not every chapter is ready yet, but I don't expect the process to take more than a week or two. I will likely post multiple chapters at once.
> 
> One more note...I eventually revealed the name I publish under on LJ, after multiple requests from readers to do so. Since this story hasn't really been anonymous since then, I'll mention here that if you like this story, please check out my published work, under the name Meghan O'Brien. I have seven lesbian romance/erotica novels and many short stories (within anthologies) available from Bold Strokes Books, with an eighth lesbian romance novel set to be published next year.
> 
> For now, enjoy the story. :) And read the warning below!!

**Content Warning**  

This story deals with the topic of **rape and** **recovery.** I am rating it a hard M for graphic depictions of rape, violence, and, eventually, consensual sex. 

I would never write about rape frivolously, nor to titillate. There’s a lot of fan fiction out there that deals with sexual assault in all manner of ways, many of them distasteful. The last thing I want to do is add to the litany of “rapefic” that traumatizes beloved characters for the sake of creating a juicy story.

At the same time, rape and sexual assault is a reality. As such, I believe it is a legitimate subject for fiction, especially when the focus is not so much on the physical act but on the psychological repercussions, the aftershocks such an event can unleash in a survivor’s life. 

If the frank depiction of rape and the pain of recovery (physical, emotional, and sexual) is likely to trigger or otherwise upset you, I would honestly give this story a pass. I don’t plan on pulling any punches. I do plan on handling this the most respectful way I know how.

  

**CHAPTER ONE**

Dr. Arizona Robbins walked across the well-lit parking lot of Seattle Grace hospital with a smile on her face. It had been a good day. An eight-year-old patient had finally received his new liver and was recovering nicely, and now she was heading home an hour before Callie got off work. That gave her plenty of time to whip up a light dinner for them to share, then take a hot bath before a long night of dirty sex. Given Callie’s enthusiastic goodbye kiss in the elevator only minutes ago, Arizona thought it was safe to assume that she wasn’t the only one in the mood for Sex Olympics tonight.

After a long but satisfying week, Arizona couldn’t wait to celebrate the weekend. If that meant blowing Callie’s mind in the process, even better.

As Arizona approached the edge of the lot where her car was parked, she noticed that one of the powerful lights that illuminated the area was out. There was a dark circle of shadow beneath the pole, right where her car was parked. Naturally. Arizona pulled her cell phone out of her purse and dialed the security desk.

“Hello, Dr. Robbins. Can I help you with something?”

Arizona grinned at the familiar voice. “Hey, Barry. I’m out in the parking lot and noticed that one of the safety lights on the east side had gone dark. Just wanted to let you know…”

“I’ll send someone from maintenance over to check it out,” Barry said. “Do you want me to send an officer to escort you to your car in the meantime?”

“Oh, that won’t be necessary,” Arizona said lightly. She really didn’t want to wait for someone to walk her the last remaining twenty feet to her car. Not with that bathtub beckoning. “I’ll see you Monday, Barry. Have a good one.”

“Will do. You too, Doc.”

Arizona ended the call and slipped her phone back into her purse. Tightening her grip on her car keys, she pushed the unlock button on the fob and walked swiftly into the darkness, making a beeline for her driver’s side door. Her hand grazed the door handle just as something slammed into her from behind.

Everything went into slow motion. Arizona’s face and shoulder smashed against the driver’s side window from the impact, then a strong pair of arms grabbed her around the middle and dragged her backward. Away from her car, out of the parking lot, and into a shaded grassy area where she was thrown onto the hard ground with savage force. 

Stunned, it took Arizona a moment to regain the presence of mind to try and scramble to her feet. She managed to get on her knees before her attacker came around in front of her and caught her hard across the face with a closed fist. The force of the blow knocked her backwards and wrenched a cry of pain from her lips.

“Shut up.” A male voice, harsh, terrifyingly angry. Arizona tried once more to stand and the man punched her again. Then he pushed her onto her back and got on top of her, pinning her down. “Shut the fuck up or I’ll kill you. Understand?”

Arizona nodded silently, and turned her head to desperately search the lot for any signs of life. Nothing. She had parked in a section used exclusively by hospital personnel, so her only hope was that someone else’s shift was ending, or else that security sent a worker to check the light immediately. Unfortunately, she had worked an irregular shift tonight, and had no idea whether anyone else shared her schedule. It could be at least forty-five minutes before one of her colleagues returned to their car.

“You know what I’m gonna do to you?” The man’s hands were everywhere, pulling at her shirt and her pants, leaving no doubt about his intentions. “Do you?”

Arizona closed her eyes. She didn’t want to cry, didn’t want to give him the satisfaction. A brutal, open-palmed slap across the face took her by surprise, and she opened her eyes and stared up at the man on top of her. It was too dark to make out his features, but Arizona could tell that he was white, with a full head of hair.

“I’m gonna fuck you.” Her blood ran cold at his words, even though she had already known where this was going. “You like that, slut?”

“Please let me go,” Arizona whispered. Frightened to draw another blow by speaking too loudly, she nonetheless needed to try and talk him out of this. “I’m a surgeon at this hospital, I just called security to come look at the light—“

He slapped her again, softer this time. Degrading instead of painful. “I don’t plan on taking a long time.” 

Arizona realized with a start that he had her pants unbuttoned and her zipper lowered. She reacted on instinct, despite her fear of further violence. Struggling with all her might, Arizona tried to get out from underneath the man. If she could break free and run for the parking lot, he would probably choose to escape rather than pursue her. That meant she could stop this from happening if she only tried hard enough.

The man growled with rage and hit her again, his fist crashing into her temple. Dazed by the blow, Arizona went limp long enough for the man to pull down her jeans and flip her onto her stomach. When she recognized that this was really going to happen, he was actually going to rape her, Arizona opened her mouth to scream.

“No.” A large hand grabbed her hair and yanked hard, then shoved her face into the grass. “Stay quiet or I’ll make it really hurt.”

Defeated, Arizona nodded then gasped when he loosened his grip on her head. She turned her face to the side and gulped in cool, sweet air as he tore her panties off with both hands.

Callie. She had to think about Callie. If she could remember how Callie made her feel—safe and warm and loved—then she would be able to block out what the man was doing. If she thought of Callie, she wouldn’t feel his erection pressed against her bottom, or the way he snaked one hand beneath her shirt to maul her breast as the other forced her legs apart.

Arizona tensed when she felt him press against her anus, fearing the worst, then relaxed when he repositioned at the opening of her vagina. His fingers pawed at her labia, sending a shiver of disgust through her body. It was too intimate, too personal. She wondered how she would keep herself from screaming when he penetrated her.

“You’re wet.” The man pushed inside her with a violent thrust, and Arizona cried out in pain. He covered her mouth with a hand that smelled like cigarettes, muffling the sound. “Filthy whore.”

Her lingering arousal was from the kiss in the elevator with Callie, but Arizona felt hot shame spread through her body anyway. She couldn’t believe what was happening, how excruciating it was in every way. This was the first time a man had ever been inside her. He may as well have been stabbing her with a knife, it hurt so badly. Worse than the physical pain was the emotional. She was Arizona Robbins, she was _awesome_ , damn it, but that wasn’t stopping this man from treating her like an object to be used for his personal satisfaction.

The man battered her with his cock, sharp, brutal thrusts, and though it felt like hours, Arizona knew it was probably only a couple minutes later that he stiffened and came inside her with a quiet groan. She lay beneath him silently, hoping he would get off her and leave. 

Instead he collapsed, crushing her with his full weight on her back. His hand pawed at her breast as he kissed the side of her neck, scratching the tender skin there with his coarse facial hair. He continued to roll and grind his hips against her bottom even as his penis softened inside of her. 

“I hope I got you pregnant,” he whispered into her ear. 

Arizona gagged, suddenly certain that she was going to throw up if he didn’t pull out of her body immediately. Maybe even if he did. 

The quiet sound of female laugher cut through the stillness of the night, and her attacker froze. A moment later he pulled out of her, not at all gently. Arizona moaned in pain, then lifted her head when a familiar voice called out.

“Hey! What are you doing over there?” 

It was Meredith Grey. Arizona opened her mouth to call for help, but only managed to whimper as the man stood, fumbled with his clothes for a moment, then took off running. She wanted to stand up too, but her whole body hurt, and the shock of what had just happened seemed to have done something to her muscles. Like, they didn’t work.

“Fuck,” Arizona whispered into the grass. 

“Are you okay?” Meredith was kneeling beside her now, rolling her onto her side with a gentle hand. “Hey…” When their eyes met, Meredith’s mouth dropped open. “Arizona.”

“I didn’t see him.” Arizona’s voice didn’t sound right. It sounded like it came from someone else, someone wholly disconnected from the woman who had just been held down on the ground and violated. “He came up behind me and I…I didn’t see him.”

Nodding, Meredith glanced over her shoulder at someone standing behind her. Arizona craned her head to follow her gaze. Cristina Yang. Of course.

The knowledge that she had an audience finally compelled Arizona to get to her feet. Incredible pain shot through every inch of her body, and sickeningly, she could feel sticky wetness trickle down the insides of her thighs. Arizona closed her eyes and swayed, sure she was going to be sick.

“She’s gonna—“

Arizona bent and heaved, cutting Cristina off mid-warning. She managed to turn away from Meredith before she emptied her stomach, but Meredith stayed close and put an arm around her back.

“You’re okay,” Meredith murmured soothingly. She rubbed her hand over Arizona’s back as she retched. “You survived. You made it through. You’re okay now.”

Blindly, Arizona reached for her pants, wanting to cover herself. It was bad enough that Meredith and Cristina were seeing her this way. She didn’t want to risk anyone else coming upon her like this.

Meredith bent and gathered Arizona’s pants in her hands, pulling them up her calves until Arizona could take over and tug them on the rest of the way. She buttoned them with trembling hands, sickened by the memory of her rapist shoving them down the length of her legs.

“I don’t want Calliope to know,” Arizona said, even though she knew that wasn’t going to be possible. She was about to walk back in to their workplace to get a rape kit done. Even if she wanted to hide this from Callie, she couldn’t. Not with the way gossip traveled the halls of Seattle Grace.

Besides, she loved Callie. And that meant she deserved the truth.

“I think she’s going to have to know, sweetie,” Meredith said. Still at Arizona’s side, she looped her arm through Arizona’s to provide support. “We have to get you inside. Do what we need to do so you can get cleaned up.”

Arizona felt her face crumble, the tears she had been holding back finally coming to the front. “ _Fuck_.”

“Yeah,” Meredith said quietly. She turned them toward the hospital, letting Arizona lean on her as they began the slow, painful walk back. Arizona was aware of Meredith glancing over her head at Cristina, and a moment later, Yang flanked her other side.

“He beat the shit out of you,” Cristina said in a low voice. Meredith made a quiet noise of displeasure, and Cristina shrugged defensively. “What? He did.”

“Are you saying I don’t look pretty, Dr. Yang?” Arizona said. She flashed back on each punch, every violent blow, and decided she really didn’t want to see what her face looked like.

“I’m saying I want to find that guy and cut off his testicles,” Cristina said flatly.

To her surprise, Arizona managed a brief, genuine smile for that. “You find him and hold him down. I get to use the scalpel.”

“Deal.”

Meredith snorted quietly at that. “I’ll help.”

As they approached the hospital, Meredith turned concerned eyes on Arizona. “I figured we’d take you in the staff entrance. Unless you’d be more comfortable doing this some other way…”

Arizona’s composure threatened to shatter completely. What would make her most comfortable would be not going in at all. Fleeing to her apartment, running a hot bath…those things would bring her one hell of a lot closer to _comfortable_ than the prospect of facing her friends and colleagues—not to mention Callie—after what had just happened. Straightening her shoulders, determined to be strong, Arizona said, “That’s fine.”

Nodding, Meredith steered her toward a door marked _Hospital staff only_. Cristina jogged ahead to pull the door open, letting Meredith lead Arizona through. Then she fell in step beside them, like a sentry assigned to protect Arizona from the curious stares of their co-workers.

“We need to do a kit,” Meredith murmured under her breath. “I’ll find somewhere private where we can go.”

Arizona blinked back her emotion, grateful that Meredith hadn’t suggested that someone else take care of the nasty business of evidence collection. The fewer people they could drag into this, the better. Surprising herself, Arizona turned to regard Cristina and made an unexpected decision.

“I’d like Yang to do it.” When Cristina blinked, clearly shocked, Arizona mustered a pained chuckle. “I know, right?”

“You sure?” Meredith asked.

Arizona nodded and looked Cristina in the eyes. “Look, I know you’re not…my _person_ or anything. But I need you right now. I need someone who can just do this with no sympathy, no platitudes. All business.”

“I can do that,” Cristina said, betraying no emotion.

“I know,” Arizona said. Cringing, she noticed Owen Hunt hurrying toward them wearing a look of wide-eyed concern.

“What happened?” Owen said by way of greeting. “Is she okay?” 

Frowning at being spoken about like she wasn’t there, Arizona said, “She’s fine.”

Sharing a quick look with Meredith, Cristina yanked open the door of the nearest exam room and, finding it empty, pulled Owen inside. Meredith led Arizona into the room after them. Arizona stared down at her feet as she listened to Cristina murmur to her lover.

How long until this was all over the hospital? Not that she thought Owen was a gossip. But a handful of nurses and orderlies had already seen Meredith and Cristina escorting her down the hall, doing the painful, stiff-legged walk of a rape victim. With her face no doubt bruised and bloodied. Arizona imagined Callie finding out about this through the grapevine and shuddered.

Though she wanted Cristina to do the rape kit, Arizona wasn’t ready to let Meredith Grey leave her side. That meant she had to send Hunt. Straightening, she looked at Owen, whose face had gone ashen at Cristina’s quiet explanation. “Dr. Hunt?”

Owen blinked and turned his gaze on her. There was the sympathy Arizona didn’t want to see, the well-meaning concern that made her feel as though the man in the parking lot had taken _everything_ from her, everything that had made her awesome. And left her with that _look._  

Owen must have seen something in her face, because he cleared his throat and straightened. 

“Dr. Hunt,” Arizona said again, “Could you please go find Dr. Torres and tell her I’m down here? She…needs to know. I don’t want her to find out…some other way.”

Owen nodded. “Of course.” He took a step toward the door, then paused and glanced back. “I’m sorry, Arizona. Really.”

“I know,” Arizona said. Awkwardly, she gestured for him to go. “Tell her I’m okay, all right? I don’t want her to worry.”

Owen tipped his head and hurried away, closing the door behind him.

“Okay,” Meredith said softly, and released Arizona’s arm. “I’ll go grab a kit and be right back.”

Arizona hated to see her go, but refused to show weakness by protesting. She hobbled to the exam table in the center of the room and sat carefully, wincing at the pain between her legs. Cristina lingered by the door after Meredith left, arms folded over her chest. Arizona sensed that for once, Yang had nothing to say.

Forcing a humorless smile, Arizona glanced at Cristina without meeting her eyes. “Well, this isn’t how I planned to spend my evening.”

“Me neither.” Seeming to realize how that could be taken, Cristina winced. “You know what I mean.”

“I do.”

They sat in silence for long moments. Then Cristina said, “What were you going to do?” Her voice was tentative, as though she wasn’t sure she should be asking.

The tears finally flowed in earnest. “I was going to feed Callie some dinner,” Arizona said in a broken voice. “Then I was going to fuck her all night long.”

Cristina was quiet for a long time. Finally she said, “That would have been better.”

Arizona hated crying. And she loved Cristina Yang for making her laugh.

There was a knock on the exam room door and Meredith poked her head inside. “Hey.” She handed Cristina a sexual assault evidence collection kit along with a handful of other supplies. “That should be everything you need. I can just wait outside…”

Arizona shook her head. “No.” She held out her hand, giving Meredith a shaky smile as she eased back into the room. “No, I need Yang to do the kit. You, I need to hold my hand.”

“I can do that.” Meredith rolled a stool next to the table where Arizona sat and took a seat. “I can definitely do that.”

 

_To be continued…_

 


	2. Chapter 2

This story deals with the topic of **rape and recovery**. I am rating it a hard M for graphic depictions of rape, violence, and, eventually, consensual sex.

I would never write about rape frivolously, nor to titillate. There’s a lot of fan fiction out there that deals with sexual assault in all manner of ways, many of them distasteful. The last thing I want to do is add to the litany of “rapefic” that traumatizes beloved characters for the sake of creating a juicy story.

At the same time, rape and sexual assault is a reality. As such, I believe it is a legitimate subject for fiction, especially when the focus is not so much on the physical act but on the psychological repercussions, the aftershocks such an event can unleash in a survivor’s life. 

If the frank depiction of rape and the pain of recovery (physical, emotional, and sexual) is likely to trigger or otherwise upset you, I would honestly give this story a pass. I don’t plan on pulling any punches. I do plan on handling this the most respectful way I know how.

 

**CHAPTER TWO**

Dr. Calliope Torres leaned against the counter of the surgical nurse’s station and anxiously watched the clock. She still had the taste of Arizona on her lips, and the memory of their kiss in the elevator stoked fierce arousal. Knowing that Arizona had already left to prepare for their evening together made it even harder to stay at the hospital. Callie was tempted to skip out fifteen minutes early and rush home to the pleasure Arizona’s lips and body had promised her between the second and third floors.

“Let me guess.” Mark Sloan set a file on the counter next to her and smirked as he made a note in his patient’s chart. “You’re counting the minutes until you go home to blondie.”

Callie snickered and elbowed Mark in the ribs. “Whatever. Like you’ve never looked forward to a long night of Sex Olympics.”

“Of course I have,” Mark said. He closed the file and turned to face Callie, leaning on the counter casually. “It wouldn’t be nearly as pathetic if it were actually just about sex.”

“Whatever,” Callie said again, but Mark was right. Sure, she looked forward to licking Arizona to orgasm later, but mostly she just wanted to be with her again. To smell her hair, feel the warm press of her body against Callie’s. There was no denying it—Callie was head over heels in love. “So?”

“So she’s ruined you, Torres.” Mark’s face conveyed disgust, but Callie could hear the affection in his voice. “You’re always smiling now. Sappy. _Happy_.” Mark sniffed. “It’s a little revolting, actually.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Callie grinned and looked at the clock again. “How early do you think I can get out of here?”

“Are you asking me to cover for you?”

Callie brightened at the unspoken offer. “Thanks, Mark.” She raised up on her tiptoes and kissed his stubbled cheek, grinning at the way he couldn’t hide his delight at the gesture. “I owe you one.”

“Damn right you do.” Mark glanced over Callie’s shoulder and all the good humor drained from his face in an instant. “What’s going on?” he asked whoever had approached. 

Callie turned to see Owen Hunt standing behind her, looking as grim as she had ever seen him. And that was saying something. Callie’s stomach dropped when she realized that Owen’s expression of sorrow and trepidation was directed at her. He looked nervous about whatever he had to say.

“What?” Callie said. The look in Owen’s eyes frightened her, and she just wanted him to come out and say it. “Tell me.”

“Arizona is downstairs.”

From the tone of Owen’s voice, Callie knew there was more. She braced herself. “What happened?”

Owen’s gaze flitted to her left, and the look he gave Mark punched Callie hard in the gut. Before she could yell at Owen to just spit it out already, he turned his eyes back to Callie, radiating sympathy. “She was attacked in the parking lot. Meredith and Cristina found her and brought her back inside.”

Attacked. The word was terrifying, yet left so much to the imagination. It could mean anything from a few bruises to injuries too horrific to imagine. Callie took a deep breath before she spoke. “Is she conscious?” 

“Yes,” Owen said, sending Callie jogging for the elevator. She had to go see for herself. Had to make sure Arizona was okay. “Callie, wait.” Owen caught up with her and grabbed her arm, pulling her to a stop. “You’re gonna need to be prepared before you see her. For her sake.”

Callie tugged her arm away and met Owen’s gaze. Her heartbeat crashed in her ears, and suddenly it was hard to breathe. “What?”

“She’s pretty beat up.” A gentle hand landed on Callie’s back, and it was only then that she realized that Mark was still at her side. Owen lowered his voice. “Cristina is collecting evidence right now.” He paused. “Rape kit.”

A wave of nausea rolled over Callie at Owen’s words. Mark wrapped his arm around her middle and steadied her as she wobbled. She couldn’t even imagine what the woman she loved had just experienced. Didn’t want to. 

It took everything Callie had to start walking again. “Take me to her. Please.”

Owen nodded and pushed the elevator call button. “Of course.”

Callie didn’t understand how her feet were still working. How she was still breathing. She walked into the elevator after Owen, leaned against the back wall next to Mark, let him hold her close to his side. How was she still breathing?

When the elevator doors slid open on the first floor, Callie’s feet moved automatically. She followed Owen down the hallway to a closed exam room door. He lifted his hand to knock, then hesitated and looked at Callie.

“Arizona wanted me to tell you that she’s okay. She didn’t want you to worry.”

Callie felt her expression harden as her stomach turned over in disgust. “She’s not okay. How could she be okay?”

Owen didn’t answer. He just knocked lightly, stepping back when the door opened and Meredith Grey peeked her head out. Callie craned her neck hoping to catch a glimpse over Meredith’s shoulder. Clad in only a hospital gown, Arizona lay on the exam table covering her face with both her hands, deadly still as Cristina worked between her thighs. 

“Let me in,” Callie said quietly. She could feel Arizona’s pain from across the room, and needed to get closer. She needed to make everything better, no matter how impossible that was. “Please, Meredith.”

Meredith put a hand on Callie’s wrist. “Come on.”

Callie glanced over her shoulder at Mark, who regarded her with sad puppy-dog eyes. Owen had stepped away from the door and leaned against the wall beside it. “Has anyone called the police yet?” Callie asked.

Owen nodded. “I did.”

“Thank you.” Taking a deep breath, Callie followed Meredith inside the room. She tried to prepare herself for her first good look at Arizona’s injuries, but nothing could have prevented the horror that seized her heart when Arizona uncovered her face.

Arizona’s beautiful features were streaked with blood and dirt and grass stains and tears. Bruises had already started to form under her eyes, and it was obvious her nose had only just stopped bleeding. Callie didn’t allow her gaze to stray lower than Arizona’s swollen, cut lower lip, too terrified by what she would see if she examined the rest of her battered body.

Arizona took one look at Callie before bursting into tears. “I’m sorry.”

Callie rushed to Arizona’s side, sitting on the stool beside her and grabbing the hand that Arizona offered. Shaking her head, she tried not to let Arizona see just how horrified she was at the state her lover was in.

“You have _nothing_ to apologize about,” Callie said as evenly as she could manage. She wanted to cry, scream, throw things around…but that wasn’t what Arizona needed right now. Arizona needed her strength, her support. She needed a good man in the storm. Callie raised Arizona’s dirt-smeared hand to her lips and kissed her knuckles. “Let’s get that straight right now, okay?”

“Okay,” Arizona whispered. She closed her eyes and bit her lip, clearly uncomfortable. “Are we almost done, Dr. Yang?”

Callie forced herself to glance over at Cristina, who stood in front of a table on which she placed the speculum she had been using. Next to that sat an evidence bag that contained Arizona’s clothes, and another smaller bag that Callie knew held a comb and pubic hair clippings. Her throat went dry. Rounding out the little pile of evidence were swabs that were almost certainly blood and semen samples.

Cristina picked up a digital camera and darted her eyes to Callie. “I just need to get a few pictures of your injuries, and then you’ll be able to clean up. Unless you wanted to wait a few days until the bruises look really gnarly.”

Arizona took a deep breath, eyes still closed. “Just do it.” 

Callie released Arizona’s hand and backed off as Arizona stiffly raised herself into a sitting position. She gave Cristina a pained smile, lowering her gown without being asked. Callie wanted to look away but didn’t, staring into Arizona’s empty gaze as Cristina snapped photos of her cuts and bruises. She could see that Arizona was struggling to keep her emotions in check, that every click of the camera was another violation of her dignity. 

“All done.” Cristina put the camera on the table and handed Arizona a small bag of toiletries. “Go ahead and shower. When you’re finished I’ll give you antibiotics and emergency contraception.”

“Thank you,” Arizona murmured. She glanced at Callie, then Meredith. “I have an extra shirt in my locker—“

“I’ll get it,” Meredith said quickly. She opened the exam room door and slipped out. 

Cristina stood by the table organizing the evidence she had collected and studiously avoiding both their eyes. Callie helped Arizona stand, unsure what to do next. She assumed Arizona would prefer to be alone to clean up, but she didn’t want to leave her without being asked. So she hovered, not knowing whether she should offer Arizona physical comfort or distance. 

Arizona squeezed Callie’s hand. “Will you wait for me outside?”

Callie nodded, wanting more than anything to brush back the stray lock of hair that had fallen over Arizona’s face. But she looked so sore that Callie was afraid to get near. “Of course.”

Arizona scrunched up her nose, and Callie knew that meant she was about to lose her battle with tears. “I tried to get away. I really tried.”

“I know, baby.” Callie reached for Arizona’s face then, barely grazing her cheek with tender fingers. “I can see that.”

“I can’t believe he _did_ that.” Arizona swayed on her feet, going pale. Callie could see sweat bead on Arizona’s forehead, and she grabbed Arizona’s shoulders, keeping her on her feet. To her surprise, Arizona collapsed into her arms and held on tightly. “Why would he do that to me?”

Callie lost her own fight against emotion. She gathered Arizona close and whispered into her ear. “I don’t know, darling. He shouldn’t have.” As much as Callie wanted to tell Arizona exactly what she wanted to do to her attacker, she knew it wasn’t what Arizona needed to hear. “But you’re safe now. I’ve got you.”

There was a knock on the exam room door. Sniffing, Arizona stepped out of Callie’s embrace then cleared her throat. “Yes?”

Owen opened the door and poked his head inside. “The detective is here.”

Arizona stiffened and folded her arms over her chest. Sensing her distress, Callie turned and caught Owen’s gaze. “She’s going to shower right now. Meredith and Cristina can give their statements first.”

“Understood.” Owen backed out of the exam room and shut the door.

“Thank you,” Arizona said softly. “I’ll try to make it quick.”

“You take your time.” Callie met Arizona’s gaze but didn’t try and touch her. She recognized the folded arms as a defensive stance, and didn’t want Arizona to feel attacked all over again. “The detective can wait.”

Arizona nodded, then took a deep breath and limped to the door of the attached bathroom. Callie’s heart threatened to explode at the sight of Arizona’s painful gait. She turned and took her own deep breath, catching Cristina’s gaze as Arizona shut the bathroom door behind her.

Alone with Cristina, Callie swiped at her eyes, determined to hold it together. Falling apart wouldn’t help Arizona. “You found her?”

“Yeah,” Cristina said in a tight voice. “Unfortunately not soon enough.”

Callie watched as Cristina gathered the pile of evidence that would be turned over to the police. “That’s her favorite shirt,” Callie commented, not knowing what else to say.

Cristina glanced at the evidence bag that held Arizona’s clothing, hefting it in her hand. “Not anymore, I’m guessing.”

Callie choked back the bile that rose at Cristina’s flat comment. “Let’s go talk to the detective.”

Nodding, Cristina carried the collected evidence to the door, which Callie opened for both of them. Just outside, Meredith held Arizona’s clean shirt and spoke quietly to a tall brunette, who listened intently to what she was saying. As they exited the room, the woman turned and gave Cristina a quick once-over.

“Dr. Yang?”

“Nice deduction,” Cristina said. “You must be the detective.”

As inappropriate as it was, Callie felt a smile tug at her lips. Sometimes she positively adored Cristina Yang.

The woman spared a brief smile. “Yes, I’m Detective Janis Mendoza.” Her gaze slid over to Callie, then back to Cristina. “You were with Dr. Grey in the parking lot when Dr. Robbins was attacked?”

“We interrupted the attack, yes.”

Callie sagged against the wall. She hadn’t realized that Meredith and Cristina had seen Arizona’s attacker. That their presence had probably stopped things from going even farther. Her knees turned to water, thinking about what might have happened if Meredith and Cristina hadn’t gone to their cars when they did.

Detective Mendoza turned her attention to Callie. “And you are?”

Callie automatically extended her hand in greeting. It was trembling. “Callie Torres. I’m Arizona’s partner.”

Mendoza’s eyes softened as she shook Callie’s hand. “I’m sorry. How is she doing?”

“How do you think?” Callie wasn’t trying to be rude, but her nerves were frayed. And it was a ridiculous question.

Mendoza didn’t seem to take offense. “I promise I won’t keep her very long. Once I get her statement, you’ll be able to take her home.”

“I appreciate that,” Callie mumbled, drawing back and folding her arms over her stomach. “Thank you.”

Mendoza shifted her focus back to Cristina. “Would you quickly go over what you saw?”

Cristina glanced at Callie, clearly uneasy about talking in front of her. “Meredith and I were walking to our cars, talking. Meredith thought she heard something, so we stopped and listened. That’s when we noticed movement on the ground just beyond the east edge of the parking lot. The light was out for some reason, so we couldn’t tell what we were seeing. Meredith shouted and all of a sudden this guy gets up and takes off running. We realized he had left someone behind so we went to help.”

“What condition was Dr. Robbins in when you found her?”

“She was in shock,” Cristina said. “Half-naked. Bleeding.”

“Do you have any idea how long the attack lasted?”

At Cristina’s blank look, Callie forced herself to speak. “She left the building just after nine o’clock.”

“We found her no later than a quarter after nine,” Cristina supplied. “So not long.”

“Can you give me a brief description of her injuries?”

Cristina grimaced, glancing at Callie again. “It’s in the medical record.”

Mendoza nodded. “I understand. I don’t need specifics.”

Cristina tightened her jaw, no longer meeting Callie’s eyes. “Dr. Robbins sustained multiple abrasions and contusions to the face, back, and thighs. She was penetrated vaginally and required two sutures to repair a small tear. According to her, there was no oral or anal penetration.”

“I need to sit down,” Callie murmured, and out of nowhere Mark appeared to grab her arm and lead her out of earshot. She collapsed onto a bench and dropped her head into her hands, taking deep breaths. In through the nose, out through the mouth. “I don’t understand,” she said thickly. “Why did this happen?” 

She didn’t expect an answer and Mark didn’t offer one. He just sat silently at her side, rubbing gentle circles over her back. Callie was grateful for his presence. Regardless of his own questionable decisions when it came to his personal life, he had always been a true friend.

A few minutes later, Mark’s hand stopped moving. “Callie.”

Callie looked up to see Arizona limp out of the exam room with Meredith Grey at her back. It was obvious Arizona was in pain. She took small steps and her jaw tightened on every one. She wore a T-shirt and scrub pants, and her hair hung in wet tendrils. Though her face had been scrubbed clean, the sight of it constricted Callie’s heart. Her skin was pale and sallow, making her bruises stand out in stark relief.

Callie hopped up and rejoined the small group of doctors just as Arizona reached them. Detective Mendoza gave Arizona a reassuring smile, which Arizona returned only half-heartedly.

“Dr. Robbins,” Mendoza said. “I promised Dr. Torres I wouldn’t keep you long. Do you feel comfortable giving me your statement now?”

Arizona nodded, staring down at her feet.

“Would you like to talk in the exam room, or is there somewhere else you’d prefer to go?”

Shrugging, Arizona said, “Here is fine.”

“Great.” Mendoza opened the exam room door and gestured for Arizona to enter. “After you, Dr. Robbins.”

Arizona glanced at Callie, panic in her eyes. She opened her mouth to speak then hesitated, casting a self-conscious look around the tight cluster of doctors surrounding them. Like magic, Meredith, Cristina, Owen, and Mark peeled away, leaving Arizona and Callie alone with the detective.

“What’s wrong, baby?” Callie said under her breath. “If you don’t feel like you can do this right now, nobody’s going to make you.”

“I know.” Arizona folded her arms over her chest again, darting her gaze to the detective. “Do you, um…” She trailed off.

Detective Mendoza cleared her throat. “How about I give you two a minute alone?” She stepped away from the door. “Just poke your head out when you’re ready to start.”

Visibly relieved, Arizona retreated into the exam room. Callie murmured a quiet thank you to Detective Mendoza, then followed Arizona inside and shut the door. 

“Seriously, you don’t have to do this tonight. Nobody would blame you.” Callie watched Arizona walk to the exam table, pause, then sit gingerly on the stool beside it. “If you want to go home, just say the word. I’ll take you home.”

Arizona shook her head. “No, I want to get it over with.” She stared down at her hands, clearly weighing something in her head. Callie bit her lip and gave Arizona time to work through whatever was bothering her. When Arizona finally looked up and made eye contact, the anguish on her face eviscerated Callie anew. “I can’t decide whether I want you to stay with me for this part.”

Callie swallowed past the lump that rose in her throat. It wasn’t personal. She knew that. And if she were being honest, she wasn’t sure she wanted to hear the graphic details. But Arizona was obviously struggling, and some part of Callie desperately needed for Arizona to need her.

“I want to do what makes you most comfortable,” Callie said quietly. “Whatever that is.”

“Comfortable,” Arizona murmured under her breath. For a moment she looked as though she was about to break down into tears again, but she straightened her back and finally met Callie’s eyes. “I’m afraid of what you’ll think. What you’ll feel. If you…know what happened.”

“Nothing could ever change how I feel about you.” Callie took a step closer to Arizona, wishing she could take her hand again. To make a connection, to reassure herself that their bond remained strong. “You hear me? This doesn’t change anything.”

A quiet sob burst out of Arizona then, and she clapped her hand over her mouth as though forcibly holding her emotion inside. It took Arizona a long time to lower her hand, even longer before she finally spoke.

“That’s not true.” Arizona met Callie’s gaze with haunted eyes. “This changes _everything_.”

Callie swallowed, not knowing how to disagree. “It won’t hurt my feelings if you’d prefer I wait outside. But if you want me to stay, I’ll stay. And I’ll love you just as much after the interview as I do right now. Which is even more than I loved you this morning. Not as much as I’ll love you tomorrow, sure, but give me time.”

Arizona broke into a shadow of her familiar sunny smile. “I love you, Calliope.”

Callie crossed the room in three strides, kneeling in front of Arizona’s stool. “I love you. Forever. No matter what.”

Arizona studied Callie’s face, then leaned down and carefully brushed her lips over Callie’s. The kiss was so gentle Callie barely felt it, but Arizona inhaled sharply and drew back.

“Ouch,” Arizona whispered, touching her cut lower lip with her fingertips. 

“Sorry.” Callie took Arizona’s hand instead, clasping it between her own. “Are you ready for the detective?”

Arizona nodded. Tightening her grip on Callie’s hand, she said, “Stay with me?”

“Absolutely.”

 

_To be continued…_

 


	3. Chapter 3

This story deals with the topic of **rape and recovery**. I am rating it a hard M for graphic depictions of rape, violence, and, eventually, consensual sex.

I would never write about rape frivolously, nor to titillate. There’s a lot of fan fiction out there that deals with sexual assault in all manner of ways, many of them distasteful. The last thing I want to do is add to the litany of “rapefic” that traumatizes beloved characters for the sake of creating a juicy story.

At the same time, rape and sexual assault is a reality. As such, I believe it is a legitimate subject for fiction, especially when the focus is not so much on the physical act but on the psychological repercussions, the aftershocks such an event can unleash in a survivor’s life. 

If the frank depiction of rape and the pain of recovery (physical, emotional, and sexual) is likely to trigger or otherwise upset you, I would honestly give this story a pass. I don’t plan on pulling any punches. I do plan on handling this the most respectful way I know how.

 

**CHAPTER THREE**

She should have waited for security.

No matter how hard she tried, Arizona couldn’t stop that nagging, devastating thought from tormenting her as she soaked in the bathtub later that night. Now that the exam and the police interview were over and she finally had a moment to reflect, it all came down to that. If she had accepted Barry’s offer to send an officer to escort her to her car, none of this would have happened. 

It was that simple.

But instead of waiting another ten minutes to leave, she had walked straight into danger. Because she was impatient, because she didn’t honestly believe anything bad would happen. Even though the light was out. Even though she was alone in the parking lot at night.

Maybe she had deserved it. For being so stupid. So naïve.

Arizona’s throat tightened. Easing lower into the hot water—so hot it nearly scalded her—she exhaled slowly. She refused to cry again. Already she was tired of the tears. And she didn’t want Callie to hear her and worry. She had already caused Callie enough heartbreak this evening, so now it was time to be strong. For both of them.

Curling her toes, Arizona pushed back the tears. Being strong would be easier if she could shut off her brain. If she didn’t have to keep replaying the entire evening in her mind, from her decision not to wait for an escort to the terrifying assault to the painful interview with Detective Mendoza. She was completely and utterly exhausted, totally at the mercy of her emotions. And she sensed that there would be no rest for her tonight.

She couldn’t imagine crawling into bed with Callie and falling asleep. Not with the pain between her legs and the fear that lingered just below the surface of absolutely everything. Even being surrounded by the familiar artifacts of her life didn’t make her feel safe. She wondered if she would ever feel safe again.

_“Did he have a weapon?” Detective Mendoza asked._

_Arizona’s stomach flipped over. Did fists count? His penis? Probably not, and yet that’s all he’d needed. “No. I don’t think so. He didn’t show me one.”_

_Nodding, Detective Mendoza folded her hands in her lap and glanced at the digital recorder that documented their interview. Arizona wondered what she was thinking. Then Arizona glanced at Callie, focusing on the tight set of her partner’s jaw. What did Callie think? That she should have waited for security?_

“Stupid,” Arizona whispered aloud. Her gaze strayed down the length of her naked body, then she shut her eyes tightly. She couldn’t stand to look at herself. Not when every cut and bruise reminded her of what that man had done. How he hit her and touched her and took away something she hadn’t even known to appreciate until it was gone.

Arizona sank deeper into the water, until her head was submerged. She allowed her nose and mouth to break the surface, but kept her ears underwater. There was something comforting about the way it dulled her sense of the world around her. With her eyes closed, she could almost pretend nothing was wrong. That things were normal again.

Almost, except that her brain just kept going.

_“Can you describe what he looked like?”_

_After having only just stopped crying, the question had Arizona on the verge of tears once again. She hadn’t gotten a good look at him. She didn’t know if she could even pick him out of a line-up. And what she had seen, she didn’t particularly want to remember._

_“Take your time,” Detective Mendoza said quietly. “No rush.”_

_“I barely saw him.” Arizona reached for Callie’s hand, but couldn’t meet her eyes. “He was white. He had hair. He…smelled like cigarettes. And his face was unshaven.” She shuddered, remembering the scratch of his stubble on her neck. “He was behind me for most of it.”_

_Callie reacted so subtly that Arizona may not have noticed if she hadn’t been paying attention. Callie stiffened, her fingers twitched. Arizona used her free hand to wipe her eyes and stared at the floor. She hated knowing that Callie was horrified. Hated having to relive this in front of her._

_“Okay,” Detective Mendoza said. “Did he say anything to you? I know it’s difficult, but…it’s important to know.”_

Arizona cringed at the memory of being forced to repeat the ugly words of her attacker. Listening to the nasty names and threats had been traumatic enough, but saying them aloud was like being violated all over again. She did it anyway. The only thing she held back was his shaming her for being wet. That was too private to confess. She couldn’t imagine saying it for everyone to hear.

Every inch the professional, Detective Mendoza had reacted with calm sympathy. But it was Arizona’s recitation of her rapist’s final words— _I hope I got you pregnant_ —that finally shattered Callie’s stoicism. After amazing Arizona with her quiet strength throughout the entire ordeal, Callie started to shake. From rage, disgust, or fear, Arizona wasn’t sure. All Arizona knew was that she never wanted to tell the story again.

Callie said this wouldn’t change how she felt. But how was that possible? Arizona was a different person now. She could feel it, deep inside. The very core of her had been altered, a fundamental shift that made her into someone she didn’t even recognize. A good night’s sleep wasn’t going to fix it. Though time would almost certainly help, Arizona couldn’t imagine ever again being the woman she was only hours ago. The woman Callie loved.

The world looked different to her now. More sinister. Sharper. Harder. How could she make out in the elevator with Callie in this world? Or roll down the hallways of Seattle Grace on her wheelies, grinning at everyone she passed? The sunny optimism she had always possessed, that quality that defined her, was nowhere inside her now.

He had taken it away.

Overcome by a gut-wrenching sense of loss, Arizona opened her eyes and saw a shadow looming over her. Her heart charged into overdrive and she screamed, scrambling into a sitting position to clutch at the side of the tub. Protecting herself.

Callie quickly stumbled backward, coming to a stop in the bathroom doorway. Wide-eyed, she held up her hands. “I’m so sorry, baby. I tried knocking and you didn’t answer, so I was worried…” Callie swallowed hard. “I was worried.”

Arizona rested her cheek on the cool porcelain of the bathtub and fought not to get sick again. Her body screamed in pain and adrenaline coursed through her, leaving her light-headed and nauseated. “I didn’t hear you. Sorry.”

“No, _I’m_ sorry. I should have known better.” Callie averted her eyes from the bathtub, clearly sensing Arizona’s lingering unease. “I didn’t mean to intrude. I just…”

Arizona exhaled slowly, willing her heart rate back to baseline. “You were worried.”

“Yeah.”

“I’m okay.” Arizona managed a weak smile, but Callie didn’t look convinced. “Just trying to wash the day off, you know.”

Sorrow passed over Callie’s beautiful features, and Arizona’s heart constricted at knowing she had caused it. “You want something to eat? I could make you something.”

Arizona shook her head. “Not hungry.”

“No. Me neither.” Callie glanced down then slowly bent to pick something up off the floor. “I brought your jammies.”

A genuine smile tugged at Arizona’s mouth when she saw what was in Callie’s hands: her very favorite pair of pajamas, the ones with the pink and the unicorns and the rainbows. Callie teased her every time she wore them, but Arizona always insisted they were the most comfortable, happiness-inducing sleepwear in the world. Because it was true.

“I thought you said those were ridiculous,” Arizona said, finally meeting Callie’s eyes. 

Callie shrugged. “They are. But they make you happy, so…” She set them on the counter, smoothing down the material with a gentle hand. “Besides, you’re adorable in them.”

Arizona cursed quietly as tears stung her eyes yet again. She dipped a hand in the tub and splashed water on her face, hoping to hide her emotion. When she met Callie’s gaze, Callie’s throat moved in a way that suggested she was trying just as hard to stay strong.

“I’m glad you’re here with me, Calliope,” Arizona murmured. “Thank you.”

“Hey, it’s my job to be here. You’re stuck with me.” Callie retreated into the hallway. “I’ll see you when you’re finished?”

“Of course.” Arizona waited until Callie closed the bathroom door to move, gritting her teeth at the way her body screamed in protest. She had been all instinct and no conscious thought when reacting to Callie’s sudden presence, and now she was suffering the consequences. “Damn it,” she whispered under her breath, pulling her knees close to her chest and wrapping her arms around her legs. “Ouch.”

Getting out of the tub and into her pajamas was an exercise in sheer will. Every movement was excruciating, leaving her struggling for balance as agony and fatigue finally overwhelmed her. Arizona gripped the edge of the sink and took deep breaths, absolutely refusing to call Callie back to help her. She didn’t want Callie to see her like this. Didn’t want Callie to know how badly she was struggling.

By the time she managed to finish buttoning her pajamas, Arizona was on the verge of collapse. She walked stiffly to the bathroom door and pulled it open, making a beeline for her bedroom. Seeing Callie sitting on the living room couch, Arizona said, “I need to lie down”.

“Okay.” Callie jumped up and rushed down the hall to meet her. She reached for Arizona then paused. “May I help you?”

Arizona nodded even as she sort of tipped to the side, landing within the strong circle of Callie’s arms. “Yes.”

Callie half-carried her into the bedroom, and carefully eased her onto the bed. “I’ll get you a painkiller.”

Cristina had written her a prescription for Percocet, and though Arizona would normally be wary of relying on pharmaceutical relief, tonight she was in no mood to refuse. “Please.”

“I’ll be right back.” 

Arizona exhaled shakily as Callie left the room. For wanting so badly to be strong, she was doing a piss-poor job of it. She pressed the heels of her hands to her closed eyes, gathering herself. When she heard Callie return to the room, she dropped her hands and propped herself up on her elbows with a thin smile. Ready to put on a brave face.

Callie smiled back, but Arizona could see the worry behind it. Holding up a glass of water and an orange pill bottle, Callie crossed the room and carefully sat on the edge of the bed next to Arizona. “This shouldn’t take long to kick in.”

“Hopefully.” Arizona tossed back a pill and set the glass of water on the nightstand. Then she lay back with a groan. Truthfully, she didn’t particularly want to lie down. But she was too exhausted to stay upright any longer. “Everything hurts.”

Callie blinked, then cautiously touched Arizona’s arm. “Tell me what I can do.”

The anguish in Callie’s voice was palpable. It stabbed at Arizona’s heart, bringing fresh tears to her eyes. She wished the painkiller would hurry up and bring the heavy numbness she craved. “Nothing,” Arizona said softly. “There’s nothing you can do.”

Swallowing, Callie whispered, “But I need to do something.”

Knowing that Callie needed comfort just as badly as she did, Arizona demurred. “Lie with me. Hold me.”

“Okay.” Callie stood and walked to Arizona’s dresser. She opened the drawer Arizona had set aside for her shortly after they became official, pulling out the camisole and pajama pants she kept at Arizona’s place for overnights. She undressed quickly, and despite everything, Arizona felt a mild stirring at the sight of Callie’s full, womanly curves.

“You’re so beautiful, Calliope,” Arizona murmured. Her lover was everything she wasn’t at that moment: gorgeous, strong, untouched. Arizona had a flash of the evening they were supposed to be having, making love long into the night, and had to fight against a wave of crushing sadness. “I should have waited for security.”

“Don’t,” Callie said tenderly. Slipping her camisole over her head, she got into bed beside Arizona. “You can’t blame yourself. How could you have known?”

“Years of social conditioning.” Arizona noticed her words were slightly slurred. Either the exhaustion or the painkiller was finally catching up to her. Maybe both. “I knew what could happen to a woman walking alone in a dark parking lot. And yet I didn’t think it would happen to _me_.”

“I would give anything to take back what happened. _Anything_.” Callie lay on her side facing Arizona, gazing at her without a trace of judgment. She was so strong. When had Callie gotten so strong? “But I can’t. You can’t either. It wasn’t your fault.”

Arizona would say the same thing to any rape victim. She’d say it and believe it. Unfortunately, it wasn’t so easy to let herself off the hook. She had made a mistake and she was paying the price. Nothing would change that. Detective Mendoza had given her the name and number of a sexual assault counselor, and fleetingly, Arizona wondered whether she would ever call. Seeking professional support was another thing she would recommend to someone in her position. Especially someone who had fallen prey to self-blame. That didn’t mean Arizona could fathom seeking help for herself.

Needing to feel the familiar safety of being spooned within Callie’s strong embrace, Arizona turned on her side facing away from Callie. Then she tugged Callie’s arm around her middle and closed her eyes, focusing on the soft press of her partner’s warmth against her back. Usually this relaxed her, no matter how bad her day had been. But instead of comfort, Arizona felt a jolt of panic. All of a sudden it wasn’t Callie holding her tenderly around the middle. It was the man in the parking lot. He was behind her. He was going to hurt her again.

The arm let her go, and Arizona sobbed quietly in relief. “Arizona?” The tender concern in Callie’s voice made her sob harder. “Sweetheart, are you okay?”

Arizona shook her head but didn’t otherwise move. She didn’t want to look Callie in the eyes. “No.”

“How about we try the other way?” Callie’s voice held a subtle note of desperation, as though she would do anything to make Arizona happy but didn’t know how. 

Arizona didn’t know either. “Okay,” she whispered after a moment. “Other way.” She waited until Callie turned on her other side before carefully shifting to face Callie’s back. She eased her arm around Callie’s stomach, and was relieved to find that the physical contact was comfortable. Familiar.

Totally non-threatening.

But instead of feeling relief, Arizona’s stomach twisted into a tight knot. He had taken this away, too. Stolen her very favorite place in the world.

“Everything will be okay, sweetheart,” Callie murmured. “I promise. I know it doesn’t feel like it tonight, but it will.”

Missing the tickle of Callie’s breath in her ear, Arizona buried her face in the smooth skin between Callie’s shoulder blades. The contact was moderately painful against her facial abrasions, but Arizona didn’t care. She needed the connection and would take it any way she could get it.

“Everyone at the hospital will know,” Arizona said once she had calmed down. “Won’t they?”

“Some people will.” Callie gently covered the hand Arizona had pressed against her stomach with her own. ““But I’m sure they’ll respect your privacy.”

“I’m so embarrassed,” Arizona whispered. She squeezed her eyes shut, tightening her arm around Callie. “I don’t want people to talk about me. Don’t want to see people _looking_ at me, like Owen looked at me tonight.”

“He was concerned.”

“I know. I didn’t like it.”

Callie gripped her hand. “I’ve got your back, sweetheart. I promise. Anyone messes with you, they’ll have to deal with me.”

Arizona managed a small smile at that. “The enforcer.”

“Damn right.” Callie glanced over her shoulder, and Arizona drew back slightly so she could meet her gaze. “Maybe you should take some time off. Regroup. Then when you’re ready, you go back.”

Shaking her head, Arizona said, “I have patients who depend on me. I can’t just disappear.”

“Sometimes you’ve got to take care of yourself.”

The thought of spending her days on the couch wallowing in misery was too horrific to imagine. As much as she didn’t want to face her co-workers, Arizona craved the possibility of losing herself in her work. If helping kids couldn’t make her feel better, nothing would. “Surgery will give me something else to think about. I need that right now.”

Callie settled back down on her pillow. “I understand.”

They fell into silence then, though Arizona knew Callie was still awake. Despite her own exhaustion, sleep felt elusive, like a myth. And Arizona was almost afraid to surrender to it. Who knew what her dreams would bring? She said the first thing that came to mind. “First time I’ve ever been punched in the face. Hurts.”

Callie stiffened. “I bet.”

“First time…” Arizona swallowed hard. “First time with a man.”

Now she could feel anger and devastation rolling off Callie in waves. “I know,” Callie whispered. “I’m so sorry.”

“I hate him,” Arizona said softly. And it was true. She had never felt such intense loathing in her entire life. The strength of her hatred was shocking, but also comforting. It made her feel better. So she clung to it. “I want him to die.”

“I know.”

“I don’t want to feel that way.” Arizona rested her cheek on Callie’s back, listening for the faint echo of her heartbeat. “I’m not supposed to feel that way.”

“How are you supposed to feel?” 

Arizona hesitated. “Different.” Shrugging, she said, “Like myself.”

“You’re still you. And I don’t blame you for hating him. I hate him, too.” Callie entangled their fingers, stroking Arizona’s wrist with her thumb. “You should try to get some rest, darling.”

“I know,” Arizona whispered. “But I’m scared.”

“I’m right here with you.” Callie reached back and very carefully touched Arizona’s hip. “So are the unicorns and the rainbows. You’ll be okay.”

Nodding, Arizona closed her eyes and allowed exhaustion to take over. _You’ll be okay._

She wished she believed that. 

 

_To be continued…_


	4. Chapter 4

This story deals with the topic of  **rape and** **recovery.** I am rating it a hard M for graphic depictions of rape, violence, and, eventually, consensual sex. ****

I would never write about rape frivolously, nor to titillate. There’s a lot of fan fiction out there that deals with sexual assault in all manner of ways, many of them distasteful. The last thing I want to do is add to the litany of “rapefic” that traumatizes beloved characters for the sake of creating a juicy story.

At the same time, rape and sexual assault is a reality. As such, I believe it is a legitimate subject for fiction, especially when the focus is not so much on the physical act but on the psychological repercussions, the aftershocks such an event can unleash in a survivor’s life. 

If the frank depiction of rape and the pain of recovery (physical, emotional, and sexual) is likely to trigger or otherwise upset you, I would honestly give this story a pass. I don’t plan on pulling any punches. I do plan on handling this the most respectful way I know how.

 

**CHAPTER FOUR**

When Callie returned to her apartment to pack some things for an extended stay at Arizona’s, it was like walking into another world. For the past two days her whole universe had been Arizona: her pain, her fear, the guilt and sorrow she was trying so hard to conceal. Now, standing in the doorway of her living room, Callie watched Cristina Yang move sensuously against Owen’s body as they engaged in heavy petting on the couch. Proof that the world continued to turn.

Seeing something so normal and carefree shocked Callie into stillness. She stared dumbly, not able to find the appropriate good humor with which to interrupt them. To her relief, Owen turned his head, spotted Callie, and immediately grabbed Cristina’s hand before it could complete its journey between his legs. 

“Cristina.” Owen was out of breath.

Cristina followed Owen’s gaze then jumped back like a teenager who had just been caught by her mother. “Oh! Callie. Hey.”

Callie gave her a sheepish wave. “Hey.”

“I didn’t hear you come in.” Cristina straightened her clothing as Owen grabbed a pillow to put over his lap. “Sorry.”

“No, I’m sorry.” Callie stepped into the room, planning to rush straight past them to her bedroom. “I just came to grab a few things. I’ll be out of your hair in a minute.”

“Whoa.” Cristina held up a hand as Callie walked by. “Hold on a minute. Wait.”

“How’s Arizona?” Owen said.

Callie stopped in front of the couch. She turned to face Owen and Cristina, steeling herself for the conversation. They deserved an update, even if Arizona wasn’t happy with the idea of being talked about. Even if Callie weren’t sure she would be able to hold it together if she had to say it all out loud. “She’s…okay. Doing okay. You know, as well as could be expected.”

Owen nodded. “Have you heard anything from the police yet?”

“Just that they won’t have the results of the DNA test for two to three weeks. And they have no idea who did it. Other than Cristina and Meredith, there were no witnesses. Arizona wasn’t able to get a good look at him, either. So there’s not a lot to go on.”

“I wish I could have been more help.” Cristina frowned. “It was just too dark. By the time we realized something was going on, he was already running away.”

Callie forced herself to remain calm. Not to let her mind fill in the details of that night, as it had been doing relentlessly since Arizona told her story to Detective Mendoza. It was hard to think about the man who hurt Arizona. To picture what he did to her. Did he have any idea of the devastation he caused? Was there any part of him that cared? 

Probably not. Callie’s hands curled into fists as she battled the anger that rose in her chest. That someone could treat the most important thing in her life like garbage was incomprehensible. That Callie could do nothing to take away Arizona’s pain—it was beyond maddening.

“Let’s just cross our fingers they find a match for the DNA,” Owen said. “So they can lock the guy up.”

“And throw away the key,” Cristina muttered.

“Yeah, let’s hope,” Callie said. She didn’t know what she would do if they caught him. Could she sit quietly in a courtroom with the man who punched Arizona in the face then held her down and raped her? It was hard to imagine not trying to cause him some well-deserved pain. Prison was too good for him. Callie preferred the idea of a slow death. Even that was more than he deserved. “Well, I’ll let you know what we hear.”

Cristina stared at Callie with genuine concern that seemed almost foreign on her normally impassive face. “So how is she, physically? Those bruises must look pretty nasty by now. I know she has to be in some pain.”

“The pain is actually a little better today. She’s doing better.” Callie shrugged. “Or at least she’s putting on a brave face. But the bruises…you’re right. Not good.”

Not good didn’t begin to describe it. It was hard to look at Arizona’s face. She was bruised and swollen, almost unrecognizable from the beating she had taken. Worst were her eyes. They were empty, impossibly sad. Knowing that a man had used his hands to do that to her, used his body, made Callie want to tear the world apart. Made her want to scream and cry and break down entirely. 

But she couldn’t. She was Arizona’s rock in this thing. If she allowed herself to fall apart, who would be there to pick up Arizona’s pieces? There was nothing to do except be strong.

“I’d give anything for ten minutes alone with the guy.” Owen’s voice was rough, and Callie blinked, seeing a darkness behind his gaze that sent shivers down her spine. It wasn’t hard to imagine what Owen might accomplish in those ten minutes. She appreciated the thought.

“Me too,” Callie said. “Trust me.” She glanced down the hallway at her bedroom door, gesturing awkwardly. “So anyway, I’ll be staying at Arizona’s place for a while, I think. She wants to be there right now and, well, I want to be with her, so…” Callie cleared her throat. “Anyway, you two get back to what you were doing. In your bedroom, preferably. At least until I leave.”

Owen grimaced. “Sorry again.”

“Don’t be.” Callie walked to her bedroom door. “Sex is a good thing. A healthy thing. So I’ll leave you to it.” Knowing she sounded like an idiot, she winced and shook her head. “I’ll see you guys later.”

Callie dashed into her bedroom, closing the door behind her. She was grateful for the escape. As nice as it was to see her friends, talking about Arizona was difficult. It was all still so raw, so fresh. And though Owen and Cristina asked out of concern, knowing that Arizona didn’t want people discussing her made it that much harder for Callie to do. Callie didn’t want to say or do anything to hurt Arizona, not when she was already in so much pain.

Packing her largest suitcase with clothing and other essentials, Callie was ready to go in less than fifteen minutes. Which was about ten minutes longer than she had wanted to take. Being away from Arizona was torture. Despite Arizona’s insistence that she collect her things, Callie hated leaving her alone. Now that the initial shock of the attack was fading, Arizona was in turmoil. Over the past thirty-six hours she had vacillated between deep silence and tumultuous fear, anger, and sadness, often within a five-minute span. It was obvious she couldn’t stop thinking about what had happened, and worse than that, blaming herself for it.

That’s what really broke Callie’s heart. Nothing she said seemed to ease Arizona’s self-recrimination, her grim acceptance that she had somehow deserved what happened because she had walked to her car alone. There were no magic words Callie could say, nothing she could do to convince Arizona to forgive herself. The only way Callie knew to help was to stay close. Be there. And so that’s what she was determined to do.

When Callie stepped back into the living room, Owen and Cristina were gone. Cristina’s bedroom door was closed, and though Callie couldn’t hear any noise, she imagined that they were doing exactly what she had told them to do. It was kind of comforting, in a way. Normal. Hopeful.

Leaving as quietly as she could, Callie locked the apartment door behind her. Then she turned and gazed longingly at Mark’s door. She should really get back. Go be with Arizona. Knocking on Mark’s door would be selfish. No matter how badly she wanted to see her best friend. 

Guilt crept into Callie’s belly at the mere thought of taking time for herself away from Arizona. Sure, seeing Mark would probably make her feel better. But her feelings should come second to Arizona’s, at least right now. Although Callie knew the right thing to do, it still wasn’t enough to make her turn around and leave. 

Even knowing Arizona was waiting for her to return, Callie craved Mark’s shoulder. She would only need a few minutes. Enough time for him to crack a joke, give her a hug…do whatever it was he did that always seemed to make her feel better. Since Friday night she had done nothing but suppress her own emotions, knowing that if she allowed them free reign, she wouldn’t be able to give Arizona the steady support she required. Callie sensed that Mark could provide a temporary reprieve from the strength that was exhausting her. Maybe even give her a place where she could just _feel_ for a moment without worrying about the consequences.

Shoving back her guilt, Callie rolled her suitcase to Mark’s door and knocked. She would be lucky if he was even there. Luckier if he were alone. Just when she was deciding it had been a bad idea to even try, his lock disengaged.

Mark answered the door shirtless. Naturally. “Callie.”

“Hey.” Callie’s voice broke from the sheer pleasure of seeing him. She cleared her throat, willing herself not to dissolve into tears. “Hey,” she said again, steadier this time. “You always walk around shirtless or did I just get lucky?”

“Well, you never know when a beautiful woman will knock on your door.” Mark stepped forward and gathered Callie into a tight hug. “I’m glad to see you. How’s Arizona?”

“Whoa.” Callie disentangled herself from Mark’s embrace, patting his bare chest. “How about you put on a shirt first, then we’ll catch up?”

Mark ambled over to his couch, grabbing a shirt that was thrown over the back. He tugged it over his head and held up his hands. “Better?”

“Much.” Callie rolled her suitcase into his apartment and leaned it against the wall. Then she sat on his couch and sighed. “Sorry to just drop in. I went by my place to get some things, thought I’d say hi.”

“Of course.” Mark came to join her on the couch. “I’m glad you’re here.” He tilted his head, studying her eyes. “How’re you holding up, Torres?”

Callie opened her mouth to answer, but stopped, horrified when her eyes welled up and threatened to spill over. 

“That bad, huh?”

Callie shook her head. Feeling was one thing, falling apart was another. There wasn’t time for that now. She took a deep breath, then exhaled. “I’m okay.”

“Don’t give me that.” Mark’s voice was kind but insistent. “You know you can be honest with me. Isn’t that why you’re here?”

Callie snorted, giving Mark a sidelong glance. He knew her well enough that there was little point pretending with him. “Arizona is hurting, Mark. She’s hurting and sad and blaming herself, and there’s nothing I can do. I try to get food in her. Bring her painkillers. Hold her hand. I talk to her, but there’s so much she’s not saying to me. I’ve never felt so helpless in my entire life. I hate it.”

Mark touched Callie’s knee. “I have a feeling you’re selling yourself short. You’re an incredible person, Callie, and you love Arizona more than I’ve ever loved anyone. I’m sure you’re helping. Just by being there.”

“You should see her,” Callie murmured. She pressed her fists to her stinging eyes, forcing back her emotion. It was scary to be so close to the edge. If she fell over, would she ever find her way back? “She doesn’t look like herself. Doesn’t act like herself. That light in her eyes? It’s gone. He took it.”

“It’ll be back.”

Callie’s throat ached from the effort of holding back her tears. “I hope so.”

“She’s strong, Callie. She’ll get through this. With you.” Mark’s hand landed on her back, and he pulled her to his chest. “Go on, let it out.”

Callie shook her head even as she settled against him. “I need to get back.”

“First take care of you,” Mark said. He stroked down her spine tenderly. “Then you can take care of her.”

Exhaling shakily, Callie whispered, “I don’t know how. She has nightmares. I can’t hold her in bed without frightening her. She’s barely eaten anything since Friday, and I can’t…I can’t make it better.”

Mark tightened his arms around Callie but said nothing. She listened to his heartbeat beneath her ear, grateful for its steady rhythm. His solid presence made it hard to remember why she needed to be so strong.

“I can’t believe this happened to her.” Callie realized tears were pouring from her eyes only when she felt the dampness of Mark’s shirt against her face. “To us.”

“I know,” Mark murmured into her hair. “It’s not fair. Arizona is the sweetest person in the world. She doesn’t deserve this. Neither do you.”

Callie’s rage and grief finally spilled over and she sobbed into Mark’s chest, too exhausted to hold it in anymore. These were the tears she had wanted to release from the first moment Owen told her what had happened. The ones she hadn’t allowed herself. Mark just held her silently, keeping her safe as the anger and sorrow poured out in waves.

When she finally stopped crying, minutes later, Mark tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. “Feel better?”

Callie sat and wiped the back of her hand across her face, laughing at the large wet spot over Mark’s chest. “Sorry I had you put on a shirt just so I could get it wet.”

Mark gave her a devilish smile, a familiar twinkle in his eyes. “Wouldn’t be the first—“

“Don’t,” Callie said, but didn’t even try to suppress her grin. Amazing how he always managed to lighten her mood. “I do feel better, actually.” 

“Good.”

Despite her mild embarrassment at breaking down, Callie realized she felt about ten pounds lighter. More importantly, she was ready to be strong for Arizona again. Callie clapped her hands on her thighs and exhaled. “Wow. Yeah, that’s much better, to tell you the truth.” She grabbed Mark’s hand and squeezed. “Thank you. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“Well, you’d have one less devastatingly handsome man in your life.” Mark grinned, but sobered quickly. “You gonna be okay, Callie?”

“Yeah.” Callie exhaled. “Yeah, I’ve got to be. For Arizona.”

“I suppose you should get back.” 

“Definitely.” Callie checked her watch. She had been with Mark just over ten minutes. “I don’t like leaving her alone.”

“I understand.” Mark stood and offered her his hand. He pulled her to her feet, and slapped her on the back. “Go take care of her. Make sure she eats something.”

Easier said than done. But the words gave Callie an unexpected flash of inspiration, and she grinned at Mark. “I will.”

“Call me, okay? If you need to talk?” Mark walked her to the door, but caught her hand before she could open it. “ _When_ you need to talk. You feel like venting, I’m your guy. I’ll even let you hit me if you need to. You know, if that helps.”

Callie raised an eyebrow. “Really?”

“Well, not _hard_.”

Laughing, Callie kissed Mark on the cheek. “Thanks, Mark.”

“Whatever,” Mark grumbled. Clearly biting back a smile, he rolled Callie’s suitcase to the door and opened it for her. “I’ll see you later, okay?”

“Yes, you will.”

#

Callie got back to Arizona’s apartment an hour and a half after she left. She had taken longer than she intended, but hopefully the brown paper bag in her hands would earn her forgiveness. If what was inside didn’t make Arizona happy, then Callie was officially out of ideas.

Arizona still sat on the couch where Callie had left her, half-watching something on television. Even from the doorway, Callie could see her mind working. She hated to imagine what Arizona was thinking. Didn’t want to imagine, but couldn’t help that her mind supplied a laundry list of possibilities. From the slight frown on Arizona’s battered face, Callie knew it was something heavy.

Hoping to rescue Arizona from whatever torment she was putting herself through, Callie said, “Hey, sweetheart.”

Arizona startled slightly. “Oh.” She lit up. “Calliope.”

It was brief, lasting only an instant, but Callie’s heart soared at the genuine joy in Arizona’s eyes. “Sorry I took so long. But I brought you a present.”

Arizona shook her head, checking her wrist for the watch that Callie knew was still on her nightstand. She hadn’t gotten dressed or gone out since Friday night. “No, you’re fine. That didn’t take long at all.” She blinked as though coming back to herself after a long mental journey, then muted the television with a click of the remote. “Everything go okay?”

“Yeah.” Callie shrugged off her jacket then went to sit on the couch beside Arizona. She set the paper bag on the coffee table. “Spoke to Owen and Cristina for a couple minutes. Cristina wanted to know how you were, I told her the pain was better today.”

“It is.”

Callie decided to gloss over the rest of their conversation. She didn’t want to bring up the topic of the police or Arizona’s attacker. Not when she was about to introduce the idea of dinner. Talking about the rape would surely kill whatever appetite Arizona might have. “Then I stopped to see Mark for ten minutes.” Callie checked Arizona’s reaction. “I hated being away from you longer, but it was good to see him.”

Arizona nodded, searching her eyes before lifting a hand to trace the line of Callie’s jaw. “I’m glad you did that. Did it help?”

Embarrassed to admit exactly how badly she had needed to cry things out, Callie shrugged. “It was good. We didn’t talk much.”

Arizona dropped her hand and her gaze, picking at the knee of her pajama bottoms. “I know I said I don’t want people talking about me,” she said, “and I don’t, but…” She lifted one shoulder. “You can talk, Calliope. You _have_ to talk, and I trust you to know what’s okay to say. And who it’s okay to say it to.”

“I know Mark isn’t exactly your favorite person.” Callie rested her head on the back of the couch. Carefully, she lifted her hand and fingered a lock of Arizona’s blonde hair. “I’m sorry about that.”

Arizona shook her head. “He’s your best friend. I don’t love that he’s slept with you, and he can be….well, Mark, but…” Another shrug. “I know how brave you’re trying to be for me. Do you have any idea how much I appreciate that?”

“A lot?” Callie took a chance that she could coax out Arizona’s playful side, and batted her eyelashes daintily. “Bunches?”

“Precisely. Bunches.”  Arizona scooted closer and curled up against Callie’s chest. Callie enveloped her in a gentle hug, happy to have her so close. “Am I pathetic if I admit how glad I am that you’re back?”

“Not as far as I’m concerned.” Kissing Arizona’s hair, Callie glanced at the television and smiled. “The Golden Girls, huh?”

“It’s chicken noodle soup.”

Callie’s heart was so full of love she felt like it might burst. “I know. Was it working?”

Arizona inhaled. Hesitated. She turned her face and kissed the slope of Callie’s breast through her T-shirt. Knowing the contact was innocent, merely Arizona seeking a connection, Callie simply tightened her embrace. 

“I’m having a hard time not thinking,” Arizona finally said. “About STDs, HIV, pregnancy. How it still hurts to pee.”

Callie closed her eyes. It was a very good thing she had let all her tears out at Mark’s. This would have broken her for sure. “The emergency contraceptive makes pregnancy a non-issue. You’re on antibiotics, your initial blood work all looked clean. We’ll cross the HIV bridge when we get to it in six weeks, but you and I both know that the chance of infection is minimal.” Opening her eyes, Callie pulled back and gave Arizona a reassuring smile. “You’re okay. We’ll get through anything that comes up together. But you’re okay.”

Arizona returned her smile halfheartedly. She pointed at the brown paper bag. “What have you got going on in there?”

“Oh.” Callie watched Arizona’s face. “Dinner. You hungry?”

Swallowing, Arizona nodded soberly. “I’ll eat something.”

Callie released Arizona and sat forward to grab the bag. She pulled out a plastic container and set it on the coffee table. Then she sat back and studied Arizona’s reaction. 

Arizona’s mouth twitched. “Is that what I think it is?”

“If you think it’s your favorite roasted red pepper hummus, then yes.” Callie revealed the bag of whole-wheat pita bread that completed Arizona’s most-loved snack. “Interested?”

Instead of seeing the smile she had wanted to elicit, Callie watched in horror as Arizona’s eyes filled with tears. “I love you, Calliope.”

“This was supposed to make you happy,” Callie said, cradling Arizona’s bruised face in her hands. “Not cause tears.”

“They’re happy tears,” Arizona said, though the intensely emotional look on her face hardly suggested joy. “I’m just so lucky to have you.”

“It’s only hummus.”

“No, it’s not.” Arizona picked up the plastic container, finally managing a smile. “It’s everything.”

Sensing that this was her chance to get some food into Arizona, Callie opened the bag of pitas and fished one out. “Want me to heat this up for you?”

Arizona shook her head, taking the bread from Callie. “It’s fine like that.”

Callie watched silently as Arizona cracked open the container of hummus and scooped a little on to a bite of pita bread. She popped it into her mouth and chewed slowly, then closed her eyes with a contented smile. Even black and blue, her face was the picture of satisfaction. 

“Oh, that’s good.” Arizona swallowed and quickly tore off another piece of pita, dipping into the hummus with enthusiasm. “This is _perfect_.”

“Yeah?” 

“Yeah.” Arizona took a break from chewing to gesture at the hummus. “Have some.”

“In a minute,” Callie said. Right now she simply wanted to see Arizona enjoy something. It had only been two days since she last saw Arizona so happy, but it may as well have been forever. Callie’s heart swelled. “I’m glad this was a good choice.”

“You know me well.” Arizona grinned, then winced. She raised her hand to the cut on her lower lip. “It’ll be nice when it stops hurting to smile.”

“It will.” Callie eased into a grin despite the pang in her chest at the sight of Arizona’s pain. She wanted to keep the mood up if possible. “You have a beautiful smile.”

Bowing her head, Arizona blushed and self-consciously touched her face. “Not at the moment.”

“You could never _not_ be stunning, Arizona.” Callie tore off a piece of pita bread and took a healthy bite of hummus, hoping to encourage Arizona to keep eating. “Even covered in bruises, you’re the most gorgeous thing I’ve ever seen.”

“You’re just trying to make me happy again.”

“Is it working?” Callie poked Arizona with her toe. “A little?”

“Yes.” Arizona glanced at the remaining bread in her hand, then slowly took another bite. “I didn’t realize how hungry I was until I started eating this.”

Relieved, Callie allowed them to fall into comfortable silence as they chewed. She waited until Arizona had eaten her fill before she spoke again. “You up for some more Golden Girls?” Callie glanced at the television, marveling at how the show always seemed to be on. “’Cause I know I am.”

“Derek Shepherd called while you were out,” Arizona said quietly. She wiped her hands, then sat back against the couch cushions and met Callie’s gaze. “Checking in. Encouraging me to take some time off if I need to.”

“What did you tell him?” Callie knew Arizona wanted to get back to work, but personally she thought it was too soon. For as badly as Arizona wanted to maintain her privacy, right now her appearance would only fuel the rumor mill. There wasn’t enough makeup in the world to cover the cuts and bruises on her face. And pain was still evident in every step she took. They may not know how, but everyone would see she’d been hurt. “Maybe taking a week or two wouldn’t be a bad idea.”

Arizona gave her a look that left no doubt about her desire to push herself back into a normal routine. “I told him I’d be in on Wednesday morning.”

That was two days longer than Callie had thought Arizona would stay away. It still wasn’t enough time, in Callie’s opinion, but she was pleased to hear that Arizona didn’t plan on going back tomorrow. “Oh. Good! I’ll give Derek a call and tell him I’ll be off until Wednesday, too.”

Arizona shook her head. “You don’t have to do that. Really.”

Callie’s initial reaction was to feel hurt. Didn’t Arizona want her around? “What?”

“I can be by myself, Callie. There’s no need for you to stay with me.”

“Do you not want me here?” Callie braced herself for the answer. Since that moment in the exam room when Arizona hadn’t been sure she wanted her to stay for the police interview, Callie had been half-expecting Arizona to push her away. So far Arizona had leaned on her without fail. But that didn’t mean a withdrawal couldn’t still happen. “If you don’t, that’s totally fine. I can go to work. But I just thought…”

Arizona’s blue eyes widened, making it clear that she’d seen more in her words than Callie had intended to reveal. “I want you with me, Calliope. I just hate for you to take time off on my account.”

Frowning, Callie tried to make sense of that. “Why? You’re the best reason to take time off under any circumstances.”

“Well, this isn’t exactly a weekend trip to Napa, so—“

“Hey.” Callie captured Arizona’s hand, lifting it to her lips to place a gentle kiss on her knuckles. “This is actually one of those for better or worse deals for me. Us, I mean. I’m not only here for weekends in Napa. I want every day with you. No matter what those days bring.”

Arizona blinked, sending a single tear falling from each eye. “Damn it,” she whispered as she swiped at her face with the back of her arm. “I’m sorry.”

Callie shook her head. These were definitely happy tears. It was obvious from the light she glimpsed in Arizona’s gaze. “If you didn’t already know it, I’m telling you right now. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. And I would do _anything_ for you.”

“I do know that. I’m just…still getting used to it,” Arizona murmured. “I’m pretty sure I’ve never been with a woman who would have stayed with me through something like this before.”

“Your ex-girlfriends were stupid. I know something worth keeping when I see it.”

Arizona laughed. Leaning in, she planted a tiny kiss on Callie’s cheek. “So do I.”

Callie inhaled, surrounded by Arizona’s scent and loving it. She burned to wrap her arms around Arizona but hesitated, not wanting to startle her. “May I hold you?”

“You’d better.” 

Callie snaked her arms around Arizona’s middle, holding her tenderly. She pressed her lips to blonde hair and closed her eyes. “This is nice.”

Arizona burrowed into Callie’s embrace. “Yeah, it is.” Her finger traced the letters on the front of Callie’s T-shirt. “You’re so careful with me.”

It was hard to read Arizona’s tone. Callie thought for a moment, then asked, “Is that a bad thing?”

“No, it’s sweet. Nice.” Arizona’s hand stroked over the side of her breast, and Callie inhaled quietly, not wanting Arizona to know the effect she was having. “I hope it doesn’t last long, though.”

Callie settled back against the cushions, pulling Arizona with her. “It lasts as long as it lasts. We go at your pace.”

Laying her palm flat against Callie’s chest, Arizona said, “I don’t want to be fragile.”

“I know.”

“I’m _not_ fragile.”

“I know.” Callie kissed the top of Arizona’s head. “You shouldn’t be worrying about this right now. It’s been two days. You haven’t even healed yet.”

“I just want to get back to normal,” Arizona mumbled. She pulled her knees up, drawing in on herself. “I’m tired of feeling like this.”

“I understand. But be patient with yourself, all right?” Callie laced her fingers with Arizona’s, keeping their hands over Callie’s heart. “Something happened to you. Something scary and painful and traumatic. It’s okay to need time to recover. It’s okay to be fragile for a while.”

Arizona didn’t say anything, just stared at their joined hands and breathed steadily. Callie could feel her mind working. She wished she could turn it off for even a single night, to give Arizona a break from her thoughts. 

In all the time they had been together, Callie had never seen Arizona turned so inward. She knew there were things Arizona was keeping from her, memories or worries Arizona considered too private to share. She also knew it was a privilege to be let in at all. So she didn’t want to push.

More than anything, Callie wished that Arizona would trust her with all her demons. With whatever it was she didn’t want to say out loud. Worse than the bruises, even worse than the emptiness in Arizona’s eyes, was the knowledge that Arizona was choosing to suffer alone. That there were parts of this she couldn’t share with Callie. Things she thought were too terrible for Callie to know, so instead she shouldered the burden of those secrets on her own.

Not wanting to risk destroying Arizona’s mood, Callie said nothing. It had only been two days, and she didn’t want to force Arizona to talk. That wasn’t how she would earn Arizona’s trust.

Callie stroked Arizona’s arm with her free hand, enjoying the closeness of their bodies. This was as intimate as they had been since the attack. Callie practically held her breath in an effort to stay still, afraid to move lest she trigger panic or discomfort. She didn’t want the moment to end.

After a couple minutes, Arizona’s breathing slowed and deepened, signaling that she had dropped off to sleep. Callie wasn’t surprised. Arizona’s sleep the past two nights had been fitful at best, so now that her belly was full it made sense that she would finally succumb to her exhaustion. Another success. Dinner and sleep. Callie couldn’t have asked for a better end to the day for Arizona.

Callie’s eyes drooped as she was able to relax for the first time that day. Moving slowly so she wouldn’t wake Arizona, she unmuted the television and turned it down low, ready for her own dose of chicken noodle soup.

_To be continued…_

 


	5. Chapter 5

This story deals with the topic of **rape and** **recovery.** I am rating it a hard M for graphic depictions of rape, violence, and, eventually, consensual sex. ****

I would never write about rape frivolously, nor to titillate. There’s a lot of fan fiction out there that deals with sexual assault in all manner of ways, many of them distasteful. The last thing I want to do is add to the litany of “rapefic” that traumatizes beloved characters for the sake of creating a juicy story.

At the same time, rape and sexual assault is a reality. As such, I believe it is a legitimate subject for fiction, especially when the focus is not so much on the physical act but on the psychological repercussions, the aftershocks such an event can unleash in a survivor’s life. 

If the frank depiction of rape and the pain of recovery (physical, emotional, and sexual) is likely to trigger or otherwise upset you, I would honestly give this story a pass. I don’t plan on pulling any punches. I do plan on handling this the most respectful way I know how.

 

**CHAPTER FIVE**

Only two hours into her first day back at work, Arizona was afraid that maybe Callie had been right. Maybe she should have taken more time off. Maybe she _had_ been too eager to pretend that everything was normal. Because the reality was that nothing felt normal anymore. Not doing rounds, not talking to her patients, and certainly not dealing with the questioning looks of the tiny human makers and her colleagues when they saw the injuries her makeup couldn’t cover. Even though she wore her best perky smile, Arizona didn’t think she was fooling anyone. Surely they could see how damaged she was, how shaken, how disconnected from herself.

Even her youngest patients noticed something was wrong. Four-year-old Gracie Williams had taken one look at her before asking where she got her owies, to the obvious horror of her parents. After gathering her wits, Arizona was able to chirp out a story about fighting a dragon—and winning—all while keeping a sunny smile firmly planted on her face. Inside she was dying, certain that Gracie’s mother and father knew the truth, that they could see it written in every movement she made, every word she said.

Arizona hated showing weakness. She hated that she cried during conflict with authority figures, absolutely loathed that sometimes she couldn’t stop her emotions from raging. That’s why she always tried to stay as positive as possible in every situation. Acting like she was always happy actually meant that she usually _was_ happy—and even when she wasn’t, nobody had to know unless she chose to tell them. 

Arizona didn’t like showing her cracks. She was supposed to be strong, the person her father raised her to be. A good man in the storm.

So that meant Callie had most likely been correct. It probably was too soon to be back, because wearing a smile didn’t help. Arizona wasn’t happy, and acting like she was didn’t seem to fool anyone. She could feel eyes on her everywhere she went. It felt like everyone knew what had happened, and they could see she was struggling, and this pain felt too unbearably personal for her to share. 

But that didn’t mean Arizona was going to accept defeat. She was bound and determined to make it through the day. Then get up tomorrow and do it again. Because what other choice did she have?

Work had to make this better. If helping dying kids couldn’t take her mind off her own problems—which seemed to pale in comparison, really—then she didn’t know what would. As she’d told Callie, she couldn’t abandon her patients. They needed her, no matter what had happened in her personal life.

Exhausted after making rounds, Arizona decided that a break from human interaction was in order. She found an empty cot in an empty hallway and sat down. Then she pulled her smartphone out of her pocket and tapped the icon to check her email. Five days of not logging in had undoubtedly left her with plenty of messages to catch up on. 

As suspected, she had seventy-three unread emails since Friday night. Arizona began to scroll through them, tapping out brief replies where necessary, until she came to an urgent message sent on Saturday morning to all hospital personnel. From Chief Derek Shepherd. Subject: Security Alert. Arizona’s throat went dry as she opened the email and read the message silently.

Phrases jumped out at her. _A hospital employee was sexually assaulted in the staff parking lot._ That was a doozy. And: _For the safety of all personnel, we are asking that nobody walk to their car alone after dark._ But the kicker, Arizona decided, was at the end: _Security officers will be on-hand to escort employees to their cars upon request._

Arizona closed the message with a shaking hand. Then she pocketed her phone and tried to stay calm.

She understood why Derek sent the email. He had to. For everyone’s safety, to cover the hospital’s ass. Even if it meant there couldn’t possibly be _anyone_ in the building who didn’t know that she was the one he was talking about. The one who had walked to her car alone. Arizona had disappeared for days, come back with bruises on her face. And people talked. A lot.

 _Fuck_.

Arizona squeezed her eyes closed and brought her knees to her chest, wrapping her arms tightly around them. Everyone knew what that man had done to her. They knew she was falling apart. Arizona’s stomach turned over and she exhaled slowly. Trying not to lose the meager breakfast she had eaten.

She just wanted to be awesome again.

#

“ _Demonios_.” Callie skimmed Derek Shepherd’s email, heart sinking. “ _Mierda_.”

“Bad news?” Meredith Grey said from behind Callie.

Callie logged out of her email account and turned away from the computer. Not knowing how to answer, she said, “Have you seen Arizona?”

Meredith’s eyes softened. “Not for a couple hours, sorry. Last I saw her, she was with her Ebstein’s Anomaly patient.”

“Oh. Thanks.” Callie sighed, trying to decide if she should go looking for Arizona or not. She had a feeling that when Arizona saw the “Security Alert” email, she would be upset. It didn’t matter that Derek had kept the details vague, that he hadn’t named names. Arizona would know as well as Callie did that any hope that the news of her attack hadn’t spread through the hospital like wildfire were pretty much dashed with that message. 

Callie’s first instinct was to warn Arizona about the email so she wouldn’t be taken by surprise when she read it. If she hadn’t already. But she hesitated, not wanting Arizona to feel like she was treating her with kid gloves. Since the night Arizona had fallen asleep in her arms on the couch, Callie had sensed a shift in her mood. There was even less willingness to fall apart, far more pretending that everything was okay. Callie knew that if she tried to be there for Arizona for every little thing, she risked being accused of hovering. Arizona was bound and determined to bounce back from her attack as though it were the type of thing she could just brush aside and forget, and Callie worried that if she treated Arizona like she were at all delicate, her concern would be met by anger. 

Looking at Meredith, Callie figured she had the perfect opportunity to gauge the climate at the hospital. Nobody was more deeply tapped in to the gossip at Seattle Grace Mercy West than Meredith Grey. “Are people talking? About her?”

Meredith blinked, then took Callie’s arm and steered her to a quiet corner away from the nurse’s station. “What?”

“They won’t talk in front of me,” Callie said. “They know not to talk in front of me. But you…well, you always seem to have your finger on the pulse of this place. Does everyone know? Are they talking?”

Biting her lip, Meredith hesitated a moment, then said, “Pretty much. Yes.”

“ _Mierda_ ,” Callie murmured again. “That’s what she didn’t want. She doesn’t need that.”

“I know.” Meredith gave her a helpless shrug. “A few people saw us bring her in here after…after. Then once everyone found out that someone was attacked on Friday night—“

“Yeah, people aren’t stupid.” Callie’s gaze darted over Meredith’s shoulder, at a nurse who was trying not to be obvious about the fact that she was staring at Callie. “What?” Callie said loudly, pleased when the nurse quickly buried her face in a chart.

“They don’t mean any harm.” Meredith lowered her voice to a murmur. “It’s just that everyone loves Arizona. They care about her. And of course people are scared. That it happened in the same parking lot they’ve all walked through hundreds of times.”

“I get it.” Callie folded her arms over her chest, searching the constantly moving stream of people behind Meredith for any sign of Arizona. If she happened to bump into her, that wouldn’t be hovering. She really wanted to check on her, to know that she was okay. “I do understand.”

“So how is she?” The quiet concern in Meredith’s voice pulled Callie’s focus back to their conversation. 

“She’s…” Callie trailed off. It was such a silly question, and she was honestly tired of answering it. “I don’t know.”

“I haven’t been able to stop…thinking about her. Worrying.” Meredith cast her gaze at the floor, then met Callie’s eyes with a sheepish shrug. “Nothing compared to how you must be feeling, I’m sure.”

“Thank you for being there for her that night,” Callie said quietly. “I meant to tell you that earlier. It helped. It definitely helped.”

“I only wish Cristina and I would’ve gotten there ten minutes sooner…” 

Ten minutes. That’s all the time it had taken for that man to turn their lives upside down. To hurt the woman she loved so terribly that Callie didn’t know if she would ever be the same. Callie shook her head, cutting off the rest of Meredith’s thought.

“We all have regrets. Things we wish we had done differently.” Callie didn’t only mean Arizona’s deep self-blame for walking to her car alone. How many times over the past five days had Callie silently admonished herself for not escorting Arizona to her car? She could have done it. It wasn’t like she had been tied up in surgery. She had been daydreaming at the nurse’s station while Arizona was getting held down on the ground and raped. But Callie knew that those kinds of thoughts would drive a person crazy, and all you could do was forgive yourself for not being able to see the future and then move on. “What happened, happened. Now we just need to deal with it.”

The pep talk was for herself as much as Meredith. Callie managed an uneasy smile when Meredith nodded in agreement. “You’re right. Do you want me to tell Arizona you’re looking for her, if I see her?”

Callie tried to decide her best move. She hesitated, then said, “If you can find a way to mention where I am…and try to get her to check in…but without her knowing that I wanted you to get her to check in…”

Meredith smiled sympathetically. “You don’t want her to think you’re hovering.”

“Do you think I’m hovering?”

“No.” Meredith shook her head for emphasis. “No, I think you’re worried. And you care. Does _she_ think you’re hovering?”

“I don’t think so.” Callie thought back over the past few days. Arizona definitely liked having her around, and she had sought out physical comfort more than once. But at the same time, she sensed that Arizona didn’t want to fully unload all that she was holding inside on Callie. Arizona wanted Callie to think she was strong. More than that, Arizona wanted to _be_ strong. So making Arizona feel weak was the worst thing Callie could imagine doing. “I want her to know that _I_ know she’s strong. But I also want to protect her.”

“She’s lucky to have you. And I’ll drop hints if I see her.” Meredith squeezed Callie’s arm briefly, stepping backward. “I should get back to my patient. We’re taking him to the OR in a couple hours.”

Callie waved Meredith away. “Of course. Go.” When Meredith turned to leave, Callie added, “And thanks.”

Nodding, Meredith said, “Let me know if you need anything else.”

“Sure thing.” Sighing, Callie watched Meredith walk away. She had work to do, but it was hard to keep her mind on her patients when she knew Arizona was in the building somewhere, quite possibly upset. Or about to get upset, once she saw that email.

It took everything Callie had not to run through the halls of Seattle Grace Mercy West looking for Arizona. She needed to hold her, to hear her voice, to know that she was okay. The only thing that stopped her was the memory of holding Arizona in her arms two nights ago, listening to Arizona’s insistent declaration of strength. _I’m_ not _fragile._ When Arizona decided something, she stuck to it, and she had decided that she could handle coming back to work today. Callie just had to trust that she knew what she was doing. Most of all, she had to trust that if Arizona needed her, she would let her know.

Easier said than done.

#

Arizona opened her locker with shaking hands. She reached into the back and grabbed the unopened pack of cigarettes she had bought a couple months ago prior to performing a particularly risky surgery on a seven-month-old infant. Luckily, the baby had survived and she’d never needed to indulge in her very worst habit. Cigarettes were Arizona’s last resort during difficult times, and today was a very difficult time.

Slipping the pack and a lighter into her scrub pants, Arizona left the locker room and hurried to the isolated third-floor balcony where she knew nobody would interrupt her. She didn’t want anyone knowing she smoked. Even if it was just one cigarette. And she really, really super needed it.

Arizona sighed in relief when she found the balcony empty. She stepped outside and slid the door closed behind her, then walked to the corner of the small outcropping where she wouldn’t be seen from inside the building. Fingers trembling, she pulled out the pack of cigarettes and fumbled with the wrapping. It took her a minute or so, but she was finally able to unwrap and open the box.

Some hands. She was supposed to be a world-class surgeon.

With a sad chuckle, Arizona managed to produce a flame from her lighter on the first try. That made her feel marginally better, at least. She put the cigarette in her mouth and lit it behind a cupped hand, expecting to feel the rush of euphoric relief the first drag usually brought.

Instead she was slammed by a wave of memory, triggered by the smell of the cigarette between her lips. First the visceral sensation of being penetrated hard and fast, being torn open in the most painful way possible. Then a sick, suffocating flash of that man’s hand pressed over her mouth, stinking of tobacco, muffling her screams.

Arizona let the cigarette fall from her mouth and bent at the waist, grabbing onto the railing in front of her as she struggled not to pass out. She closed her eyes for a moment but that made it worse. With her eyes closed she couldn’t be sure she was safe, that it was the middle of the day, that she was on the east wing balcony. So Arizona opened her eyes and stared at the cigarette smoldering next to her foot, wondering how the hell she would ever go back inside and pretend to be okay now. Putting a hand on her stomach, she extinguished the cigarette with her shoe so she wouldn’t have to smell it anymore.

At least the rape had taken care of her worst vice. She doubted Callie would be heartbroken about this particular side effect.

The sound of the balcony door opening jolted Arizona upright. Her heart raced at the sight of a man invading her sanctuary, then her stomach twisted when she realized it was Alex Karev. Perfect.

Karev noticed her right away. “Hey.” He stopped and blinked at her. Instead of either smirking or scowling, the only two expressions he seemed to have at his disposal, he gave her a kind, sympathetic look. _That_ look. “You okay, Dr. Robbins?”

Arizona knew she was going to snap an instant before she did. Far too late to stop herself. “Go fuck yourself, Karev.”

Karev was clearly floored by Arizona’s language, not that she could blame him. It was completely and utterly unlike her to talk to anyone like that, especially someone whose only transgression was to show concern. But Arizona didn’t want Alex Karev’s concern. Or his pity. She didn’t want him being nice to her. That wasn’t who he was, and she couldn’t stand for Karev of all people to change the way her treated her.

“I didn’t mean to interrupt you,” Karev said, holding up a hand and backing away. “I’ll leave you alone.”

Arizona’s eyes filled with tears. Horrified not only by her overreaction but also by the emotion she knew she would no longer be able to hide, Arizona rushed to the door. She was relieved when Karev backed away so she wouldn’t have to brush past him to get back inside.

“Sorry,” Arizona mumbled as she stepped back into the building. Not waiting for an answer, she rushed down the hallway before she started crying in front of him. She refused to let anyone see the tears she felt coming on. Without breaking her stride, Arizona kept her head down and hurried to the nearest on-call room.

She would give herself ten minutes to fall apart. Then she would gather herself and try again.

#

“You can have more painkillers in an hour.” Callie raised an eyebrow as her frat-boy knee surgery patient opened his mouth to protest, and shook her head to cut him off. “Seriously, an hour. You’re barely lucid now.”

“ _You’re_ barely lucid,” he parroted back to her with a drunken grin. “And _hot_.”

Callie rolled her eyes. Yeah, he didn’t need any more. “I’ll be back to talk you through the procedure at three o’clock. Try to control your hormones until then.”

“I got something for you to control,” the frat boy mumbled, then giggled to himself. Callie shook her head and stepped out of his room, nearly running into Mark. 

“Hey.” Callie fell into step beside Mark, happy to leave the flirtation behind. Normally she would be amused at such a lack of inhibition, but today, with all her stress, it was hard to muster a sense of humor. “How’s it going?”

“Hey yourself,” Mark said. He stopped them near the elevators, leaning against the wall to face Callie. “It’s going all right. How about you?”

Callie shrugged. “Well, you know.”

“Arizona’s back at work today?”

“Yeah.” From the look in Mark’s eyes, Callie knew she wasn’t doing a good job of hiding her displeasure with that fact. “I haven’t seen her all morning. I want to go check on her, but without, you know…actually _checking_ on her.”

“You think she’d be mad?”

“I’m not sure,” Callie said. “Maybe not _mad_ , but I do know she wants to prove something today. And if she thinks that I don’t think she can do it…”

“Wouldn’t you talk to her on a normal day?”

Callie stopped and thought about Mark’s question, which seemed to lead her to exactly the conclusion she wanted. “Well, yeah.”

“So would it really be so terrible if you talked to her today?”

“Of course not. I was hoping that I’d sort of accidentally run into her—“

Mark shook his head. “C’mon, Torres. She won’t be mad if you go say hi. So go say hi. For both your sakes.”

Relieved by Mark’s logic, Callie nodded. “Yeah, you’re right. I will.” The more she thought about it, the better the idea sounded. “She’d probably be hurt if I ignored her all day anyway.”

“Damn right she would,” Mark said. “Stop overthinking. Go see your woman.”

Even despite her stress and worry, Callie had to smile at Mark’s words. _Her_ woman. When it came to Arizona, she definitely liked the sound of that. “Now I just need to figure out where she is without resorting to asking around…”

As if on cue, Alex Karev suddenly appeared beside them. He spoke quietly, so no one outside their small circle could hear. “Dude, your girlfriend totally freaked out on me.”

Callie frowned, barely stopping herself from snapping at Karev. Despite his choice of words, he seemed unusually kind, and most certainly concerned. “What did you do?”

“Nothing.” Karev shrugged. “Asked if she was okay.”

Taking in Karev’s uncharacteristic sensitivity, Callie imagined how it must have gone. Alex Karev, being nice. Arizona, seeing that as proof positive that she was being treated differently. “Damn it, Karev.”

“What?” Karev looked at Mark, presumably for backup. “I try to be nice and she tells me to go fuck myself.”

Mark barked laughter, but stifled it at a sharp look from Callie. “She actually said that? Go fuck yourself?”

Karev shifted uncomfortably. “Yeah.”

“Well, you probably had it coming,” Mark said. “But from Arizona? Ouch.”

“Where is she?” Callie waved her hand in front of Karev’s face, drawing his attention back to her. “Where did she go?”

“I saw her go into the third-floor on-call room.” Karev scowled at Callie, but she knew he was doing it to cover embarrassment. “Tell her I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t mean to interrupt her. I had no idea she even smoked.”

Callie wrinkled her nose briefly, then forced back her disgust at Arizona’s coping strategy. If Arizona was smoking at eleven in the morning, she was definitely having a hard day. Callie needed to find her. That instant.

“Thanks, Karev.” Callie patted him on the shoulder. “It wasn’t your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Damn right I didn’t,” Karev muttered, but he looked relieved.

Callie practically jogged to the third-floor on-call room, hoping to catch Arizona while she was still in a private place. While she was obviously hurting. When Callie got there, the door was closed. She knocked swiftly, holding her breath as she waited for an answer.

“This room is occupied.”

Arizona’s voice. And she was crying. Heart breaking, Callie answered in a hushed tone. “It’s me, sweetheart. Open up.”

To Callie’s relief, the lock disengaged and Arizona opened the door a crack. When she didn’t say anything more, Callie pushed inside the room, then closed and locked the door behind her.

Arizona stood with her back to Callie, head down. Dressed in blue scrubs with her blonde hair falling loose onto her shoulders, she looked just as she had so many other times they had stolen away to this on-call room for a quickie during a lull in their long shifts. Callie wanted to touch her but didn’t, needing to see Arizona’s face to get an idea of her current mood.

“This is hard,” Arizona said quietly. Exhaling, she swiveled to face Callie, lifting her face to reveal red-rimmed eyes and tear-streaked makeup badly in need of retouching. “I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but I didn’t know it would be this _hard_.”

Callie took a step closer, but kept her hands to herself, waiting for Arizona to initiate contact. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Arizona shook her head. “Did you see that email?”

“From Shepherd?” Callie asked, though she knew that was exactly the one. “Yeah. I was worried it would upset you.”

“I understand why he had to send it.” Arizona put a hand on her stomach, and went to sit on the edge of the bed. “But everyone knows, Calliope. All day people have been looking at me, and then Alex Karev is _nice_ to me—“

“He said he’s sorry about that.”

Arizona jerked her head up, meeting Callie’s eyes. “You talked to Karev?”

“I think you surprised him.” Callie allowed a smile to tug at her lips. “Telling him to fuck himself.”

Arizona’s face reddened and she stared down at her shoes. “That was mean.”

“He can take it,” Callie said lightly. Alex Karev would recover. She didn’t want Arizona beating herself up any more than she already was. “Mean is Karev’s middle name, right?”

Arizona shook her head again. “He surprised me, is all. Bad timing.”

Callie stepped to the bed and sat next to Arizona, careful to give her space. But Arizona scooted closer and curled against Callie’s side as soon as she settled down. Callie wrapped her arm around Arizona’s middle, kissing the top of her head.

“After I read that email I decided to have a cigarette.” Arizona held up a hand as if to forestall Callie’s reaction. “I know, I know. But…I thought it might calm me down.”

“Did it?”

Arizona shivered. Her entire body trembled, and Callie pulled her closer to try and keep her warm and secure. “His hand smelled like cigarettes. When he went inside me I screamed and he put his hand over my mouth so nobody would hear. And he…he smelled like cigarettes.”

“Smoking reminded you of him.” Callie shook her head, fighting back tears of frustration. Not because cigarettes were a habit she wanted Arizona to keep, but because she knew it was her partner’s refuge of last resort, and even that was tainted now.

“I guess it was a flashback,” Arizona said. “Because it felt so _real_ , almost like it was happening again. I thought I was going to pass out. And then Alex Karev came out onto the balcony and I just…snapped.”

Tightening her arm around Arizona, Callie stroked a hand up and down her back. “I’m sorry that happened. It must have been scary.”

“Well, you don’t have to worry about me smoking anymore.” Arizona’s voice was humorless. “So at least something good came of this mess.”

Callie shushed Arizona, rocking her gently as the trembling started again. “I’d rather you smoke a pack a day than go through this. Believe me.”

Arizona played with the neck of Callie’s scrub top, curling her finger beneath the edge of the fabric. “Remember the last time we locked ourselves in this room together?”

Callie closed her eyes against a wave of bittersweet memory. Arizona on the narrow bed beneath her, writhing beneath her tongue. Her firm legs thrown over Callie’s shoulders, hands tangled in Callie’s hair, keeping her on task. “Of course I do,” Callie said, and tightened her arm around Arizona.

Arizona lifted her face and found Callie’s mouth with her own. The kiss was soft, a mere press of Arizona’s lips, and yet Callie’s heart pounded as though Arizona had just thrown her down onto the bed. It was the closest they had come to sexual contact since the attack. Arizona made no move to deepen the kiss, but she held it for a long time.

When she finally drew back, Callie exhaled. “That was nice.”

“Yes, it was.” Arizona caressed Callie’s cheek, and gave her a genuine smile. “It felt normal.”

“Yeah?” Callie knew what Arizona was trying to say. The kiss hadn’t triggered anything unpleasant. Relief swept through Callie’s body and put a grin on her face. “That’s good.”

Arizona traced her thumb over Callie’s lower lip. “It’s very good.”

Sensing that Arizona’s mood had improved, Callie took a chance and said, “Maybe you should take the rest of the week off. Start fresh next Monday.”

Arizona shook her head and smiled sadly. “It’s not going to be any easier on Monday. And my patients—“

“I know,” Callie said, having heard it more than once over the past few days. “They need you.” When Arizona frowned, Callie forced a bright smile. “I mean, of course they do. Because you’re _awesome_. And _super_. And all those other adjectives I never used before I met you.”

Arizona gave her a weary smile. “Well, even if I’m not those things, I am their surgeon. And I need to be here.”

“You are those things.” Callie tucked a lock of Arizona’s hair behind her ear, only realizing that a strand had gotten caught on her finger when she tugged it gently. Arizona flinched, but said nothing. A mask dropped over Arizona’s face, a clear message to Callie not to ask. “Are you going to be okay?”

“I’ll be fine.” Arizona threw back her shoulders and straightened, dabbing at her eyes. “How do I look?”

“I can fix your makeup.” Callie grabbed a tissue from the small table beside the bed and held it to Arizona’s face. “If you want.”

Nodding, Arizona stared at the wall as Callie did her best to erase all evidence of her tears. “I wish everyone didn’t know.”

Callie winced, meeting Arizona’s gaze. “I’m sorry.”

Arizona shrugged. “It is what it is, I guess.”

“Your patients don’t know. Their parents don’t.”

“They know something is wrong. Even four-year-olds can see it.” Arizona touched below her eye where the bruising was deep purple. “How could you not see it?”

“Hey.” Callie stopped smoothing out Arizona’s makeup and touched her chin. “You can’t worry about what people think. There’s nothing for you to be ashamed of. A man attacked you. He hurt you. _You_ didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I know.” Arizona’s reply was automatic, and Callie could see that she didn’t believe what she was saying.

“No,” Callie said forcefully. Taking Arizona by the shoulders as cautiously as she could, Callie stared deep into her eyes. “You didn’t do _anything_ wrong. Understand me?”

Arizona nodded, chin trembling.

“Do you know how many times I’ve walked to my car alone?” Callie ducked her head, forcing Arizona to maintain eye contact even as she tried to look away. “I’ve never asked anyone from security to escort me. Not once. If it had been me out there on Friday night, if that man had raped me, would you think I deserved it? That I’d done something wrong?”

Arizona blanched and her face went pale. “No. Of course not. God, Calliope, I don’t even want to think about that happening to you.”

“Nobody thinks this was your fault.” Callie kept staring into Arizona’s eyes. She knew she was being intense, but she needed to set Arizona straight on this once and for all. “We’ve all gone out to that parking lot alone at some point, _querida_. You’re not the only one. You were just…” Callie swallowed. “The unlucky one.”

Touching her eye with the back of her hand, Arizona exhaled shakily. “You’ll make me cry again.”

“I don’t want to do that.” Callie brushed Arizona’s hand away and finished touching up her makeup the best she could. “You might want to reapply, but I think I’ve gotten rid of most of the evidence.”

“You’re a life saver.” And like that, Arizona’s perky façade dropped back into place. “I should get back to work.”

“Of course,” Callie said. Recognizing Arizona’s need to rebuild her defenses before venturing back out onto the floor, Callie stood and threw the tissue in the garbage can. Then she offered her hand to Arizona and pulled her to her feet. “Page if you need me. I’ll drop whatever I’m doing.”

Arizona patted Callie’s chest above her heart. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

“See you for lunch?” 

Relieved at the thought of being able to see Arizona again in just a couple hours, Callie nodded vigorously. “It’s a date.”

Arizona smiled, closing the distance between them and raising on her tiptoes to kiss Callie’s cheek. “I’ll be fine.”

“I know you will,” Callie said. She put on her very best, most confident smile, sending Arizona off with a casual wave. As soon as Arizona closed the on-call room door behind her, the smile slid from Callie’s face and she sat down hard on the bed.

And started to shake.

_To be continued…_


	6. Chapter 6

This story deals with the topic of **rape and recovery**. I am rating it a hard M for graphic depictions of rape, violence, and, eventually, consensual sex.

I would never write about rape frivolously, nor to titillate. There's a lot of fan fiction out there that deals with sexual assault in all manner of ways, many of them distasteful. The last thing I want to do is add to the litany of "rapefic" that traumatizes beloved characters for the sake of creating a juicy story.

At the same time, rape and sexual assault is a reality. As such, I believe it is a legitimate subject for fiction, especially when the focus is not so much on the physical act but on the psychological repercussions, the aftershocks such an event can unleash in a survivor's life.

If the frank depiction of rape and the pain of recovery (physical, emotional, and sexual) is likely to trigger or otherwise upset you, I would honestly give this story a pass. I don't plan on pulling any punches. I do plan on handling this the most respectful way I know how.

  

**CHAPTER SIX**

Arizona hid at a corner table in the hospital cafeteria on Friday morning, worrying about the laparoscopic appendectomy she had to perform in just over an hour. It had been a long time since something as routine as an appendectomy caused her anxiety, so she sat with her gnawing unease quietly and tried to understand where all her self-confidence had gone.

She knew the procedure. Knew it cold. Not only that, she was the self-proclaimed rock star of pediatric laparoscopic appendectomies. Today she would be teaching Dr. Jackson Avery as he assisted her, an opportunity she normally would have enjoyed. It should have been a good thing, exactly what she wanted—getting back to work in its purest sense.

But this would be her first surgery since the attack, and that made it anything but routine. It didn't seem possible that it had only been seven days since she last cut open a tiny human, but at the same time, it seemed a lifetime ago. Arizona barely remembered how it felt to be that in control. That sure of herself.

No doubt that was exactly why something as simple as an appendectomy felt so daunting. Seven days ago her entire sense of self had been stolen. It wasn't just about being punched and violated. Nor was it simply the realization that she was as vulnerable to random, senseless violence as anyone. The worst part of what happened—what twisted her stomach into knots when she thought about picking up a scalpel—was that she had lost her certainty that she could handle anything, no matter how challenging. During her career she had performed surgeries that shouldn't have succeeded, had saved children other doctors would have declared beyond help. But when Arizona had most needed to rescue herself, she had been powerless.

And she was still powerless. Even now, the nightmares, the depression, the anxiety—she was falling apart and there was nothing she could do to stop it from happening. 

Pretending she was okay didn't make it true. The only thing that suppressing the fear and anger did was wear her out. When random smells and unexpected contact threatened to trigger panic at any moment, Arizona no longer believed in her ability to walk into any given situation and succeed.

Which was not something a surgeon should ever feel.

Arizona recognized that she couldn't control every factor in every surgery—if she could, she would never lose patients—but she knew that as a surgeon, beyond her skills the one thing she had control over was her attitude. She needed confidence, and had never lacked it before. To suddenly feel its loss was stark and terrifying.

Today she had to cut open a little boy and remove his infected appendix. Something she had done so many times before, but each surgery was different. Each one carried a degree of risk. Without the same ease and confidence she used to carry outside the operating room, she wondered how she would perform inside one.

Maybe Callie was right. Maybe she was pushing herself too hard.

"Arizona?"

Startled, Arizona brought a hand to her chest. Her heart raced beneath her palm and adrenaline flooded her body. Clearly the fight or flight instinct that had failed her in the parking lot was in high gear now. Looking up, she forced a smile at Teddy Altman, who stood next to the table with a cup of coffee in her hand.

"Sorry." Teddy's eyes shone with regret. "I thought you saw me."

"Hey," Arizona said in her brightest voice. Chances were Teddy already knew what had happened, but she would be damned if she let her disquiet show. "Welcome back."

Besides Callie, Teddy was her best friend at the hospital. And she had been gone for the past week, attending a conference in San Francisco. Technically Teddy had returned yesterday, but Arizona had actively avoided socialization since coming back to work two days earlier, so she hadn't sought her out even knowing she was in the building. She hadn't wanted to discover the same look in Teddy's eyes that she saw in everyone else's. She didn't think she could stand it.

But the look Teddy gave her was different. Empathetic instead of sympathetic. She pointed at the chair across from Arizona. "You look like you don't want to be bothered, but may I?"

Arizona nodded. Now it was obvious Teddy knew. It was written all over her face. But it didn't upset her on Teddy like it did on the others, and suddenly Arizona was happy to have her friend back in town.

Teddy pulled out the chair and sat. She opened her mouth to speak, hesitated, and gave Arizona a tight, awkward smile.

"I see you've had time to get caught up on the gossip." Arizona smiled back, but it was weak and she knew it. So she let it fade. "I'm doing okay."

Teddy shook her head and set her coffee cup on the table. "I'm so sorry, Arizona."

"Yeah." Arizona drew her fingernail across the rim of her own cup, breaking eye contact. "Me too."

Teddy's hand landed on the table next to hers. She paused, then curled her fingers around Arizona's wrist. Squeezing gently, Teddy murmured, "I promise it gets easier."

Arizona blinked hard, cursing under her breath when a tear slipped out of one eye. She hated the implication of Teddy's statement even more than she hated getting so emotional right before surgery. Dabbing at her face with a napkin, Arizona met Teddy's gaze. "I wish you didn't know that."

"Yes, well…it was a long time ago."

Arizona looked down at Teddy's hand on her wrist. "I can't talk about this right now, Teddy. I have surgery in forty-five minutes."

"I understand. I just wanted you to know that if you need to talk, I'm here for you. I do have some idea what you're going through, and…it sucks."

Teddy had terrible timing. The last thing Arizona needed was to start crying. "Really, I'm fine. I'm doing better. The bruises are healing, the pain is pretty much gone. I'm okay."

"I can see you're not okay, Arizona." Teddy's hand moved up to take hers. "Which is totally normal. And you'll need to talk about it at some point."

"Not now." Arizona gave Teddy a pleading look. If she didn't drop this, Arizona would dissolve. Right there on the spot. And what good would she be to her patient then? "Please?"

"Of course." Teddy's smile was kind. "Sorry, I never meant to upset you. This is just me trying to live up to my end of this whole friendship thing."

"I appreciate that." Arizona sniffed, willing the perky back into her voice. "Truly."

"Hey, guys."

Arizona sat up at the sound of Callie's voice, pulling her hand away from Teddy's and wiping her eyes quickly. She didn't want Callie to see how upset she was. Right now she desperately needed to convey strength, not only for herself but also for her patient and his parents. People were counting on her to be the capable, kickass surgeon she was, and that meant she couldn't let anything undo her. If Callie knew she was off balance, it would be all over. Hiding her feelings from Callie was nearly impossible.

"Hey, Calliope," Arizona chirped. She could see that Callie was concerned about what she had interrupted, maybe even a little hesitant, but Arizona was happy for the shift in focus. Wanting to prove to Teddy just how okay she really was, Arizona grabbed the front of Callie's scrub shirt and pulled her down for a long, lingering kiss. Callie planted a hand on the table, presumably to keep her balance. When Arizona drew back from the kiss, she made sure to show Callie her dimples. "I missed you."

Callie's gaze darted to Teddy's face, then back at Arizona. "I missed you, too. Everything okay?"

Insisting that she was all right was starting to get old. "Absolutely. I've got an appy in about forty minutes, so I'm getting ready to head to that."

Callie slid into the chair beside Arizona. She glanced at Teddy again, relaxing at whatever she saw in Teddy's expression. Then she smiled at Arizona. "Feel good about it?"

Arizona stiffened, angry that Callie would even ask. It was a simple procedure, beyond simple, and Callie had never questioned her readiness before. The idea that Callie may have picked up on her very real unease only upset her more. "Honestly, Calliope. It's an appy. I do them in my sleep."

Callie blinked. "Of course. I'm sorry."

Teddy cleared her throat and pushed back her chair. "Well, I've got a lot of catching up to do, so…"

"No problem." Arizona smiled up at her. "It was nice talking to you."

"I hope we can do it again soon." Teddy gave her a meaningful nod. "When you're not on your way to the OR."

Arizona tipped her head and watched Teddy walk away. Then she turned back to Callie, suppressing a wince at the hurt etched across Callie's face.

"I wasn't implying that you can't handle an appy," Callie said quietly. "It's just that this is your first surgery since everything happened, and I thought you might have some feelings about that."

Callie's uncertainty tore at Arizona's heart. She was trying so hard to be careful with her, to do the right thing at every moment. And she had been doing an incredible job of it, overall. But Callie didn't seem entirely comfortable letting Arizona pretend that everything was normal. Right now, more than any other time since the attack, Arizona needed to pretend. She needed to be the surgeon she had spent her career becoming, not the woman who had been raped.

"I'm fine. Really." Hating that she caused the sadness in Callie's eyes, Arizona reached across the table and held Callie's hand. "I'm sorry. Talking to Teddy kind of threw me off. I didn't want to have the conversation we were having right before I go cut open a tiny human."

Callie's mouth twitched. "So I saved you from that?"

Arizona gave her the sunniest smile she could muster. "Why do you think you got such a big kiss?"

"I thought it was because I'm hot." Callie winked, and for a moment everything felt exactly like it used to. The flirtation, the innuendo. The attraction. "And you like how I look in scrubs."

Arizona's smile became easier to sustain. "That, too."

"Well, I know it's a little like wishing you luck riding a bike, but…" Callie lifted Arizona's hand to her lips and kissed her knuckles. "Good luck on the appy. You'll be awesome, and Jackson Avery will be awesome for having stood at the same table as you."

Arizona rubbed her thumb across Callie's chin. She knew Callie's heart was in the right place, even if being wished luck on something so routine made Arizona uneasy. Probably because she felt like she needed it.

"Thanks. I appreciate that." Arizona drew back and stood up. "On that note, I should go get ready."

Callie stood as well. "I'll walk you?"

"Sure." Arizona waited until Callie stepped in front of her, then kept pace at her side. When Callie's hand came to rest on the small of her back, gently guiding her forward, Arizona tensed before forcing herself to relax. It was a familiar touch from Callie, but Arizona was on edge. The sensation of having someone behind her in any way only made it worse.

Callie removed her hand. "Sorry."

Arizona's chest ached at the guilt in Callie's voice. "No reason to be." She stepped closer to Callie, bumping her hip. "Please stop worrying about me."

Callie didn't say anything. They stepped into the elevator, which was thankfully deserted, and Callie punched the button for their floor. Then she folded her hands in front of her stomach and stared at the elevator door.

Arizona sighed. She was doing a terrible job of acting normal. On top of that, she felt a headache coming on. "I don't want this to be a bad day. I just need to make it through the appy."

Giving her a sidelong glance, Callie said, "Would you prefer I not observe? I was going to ask, but I don't want to make you nervous."

It took Arizona a beat to decide how she felt about the idea of Callie watching the surgery from the observation room. Usually she found it comforting in a way, even sexy. The old Arizona had loved having Callie's eyes on her in any circumstance. But the idea of Callie watching new Arizona struggle to perform was intimidating.

Unfortunately, admitting that would mean acknowledging something was wrong.

"No, please do." Arizona grinned over at Callie, rocking on her heels. "I like it when you watch me kick ass."

"Cool." Callie's hand brushed against hers. "I'll even buy you lunch after."

"I've trained you well." The elevator door opened, and Arizona gestured for Callie to go ahead. "After you, Dr. Torres."

Callie stepped out first, then turned and waited for Arizona to join her. "Go be awesome, Dr. Robbins."

"Always." Arizona grinned, raising up to kiss Callie on the cheek. "See you later."

Callie shot her the sexy grin that always turned Arizona's knees to water, but today it didn't have the same effect it usually did. Arizona faked it anyway. Winking, she patted Callie on the bottom and opened the scrub room door. Then she walked into her most important test of self with her head held high.

#

Arizona stood over her eight-year-old patient, staring at his infected appendix on the monitor that displayed the view from the laparoscope she had positioned through the umbilical port. She glanced across the table at Bailey, who met her eyes, clearly waiting for Arizona's next move. Dr. Jackson Avery hovered at her left side, craning his neck to look at the image on the screen.

The surgery had only just begun, but so far Arizona was tentatively pleased. She had made the first incision without hesitation, and now that the laparoscope was in place, instinct had long since taken over. Holding the Endo Babcock clamp in her right hand and a 5 mm grasper in her left, she felt totally in control. This was where she did what made her special, and inside the operating room, she was still Dr. Arizona Robbins. Surgeon.

Arizona glanced up at Callie, who beamed down upon her from the observation room. Even having Callie watching was okay. The familiar glow of Callie's love and support emboldened Arizona, restoring her lost confidence and making everything feel normal again.

Arizona turned to Avery and smiled. "Dr. Avery, what should I do next? Tell me using what you see on the monitor, please."

Avery's gaze shifted from Arizona's face to the monitor behind her. He blinked, then moved his head as though trying to see around her. Arizona looked back at the monitor, ensuring that the position of the camera inside the patient was acceptable. She didn't understand Avery's hesitation and wondered if there was something she should be doing or if he simply needed a moment to collect his thoughts.

She caught Avery's movement from the corner of her eye right as he took a step behind her. She gasped when he bumped against her back, his hips pressing her against the table for an instant before he quickly jumped away.

Though fleeting, Avery's touch evoked memories of other touches she hadn't wanted. Rough fingers sliding over her labia. Cruel hands squeezing her breasts. Panic and disgust rose in Arizona's throat even as she fought to stay calm. Her heart thumped and, terrifyingly, her hands began to shake.

She knew it was Dr. Jackson Avery who had just pinned her, and that he hadn't meant any harm. More than that, Arizona knew she needed to remain focused and finish her surgery. But as soon as she realized that she had been triggered, all of the fear and anxiety of the morning came flooding back and she was helpless to stop her body's reaction.

"I'm sorry," Avery said. "I was trying to get a better look at the gastrointestinal tract." He stood too close to her. Arizona could feel the heat of his body on hers. Could smell him, a distinctly masculine scent that turned her stomach.

"Dr. Robbins." Bailey's voice, calm and in control, snapped Arizona out of her slide into abject dread. "Are you all right?"

Arizona swallowed, desperately trying to steady her hands. She was holding two graspers inside her patient via the right upper quadrant and left lower quadrant trocars. Trembling was _not_ an option. But Avery's presence unnerved her. She needed him gone.

"Scrub out, Dr. Avery." Arizona tightened her grip on the graspers, but couldn't hold them still. "You're done here."

"I apologize, Dr. Robbins." Avery took a step away but didn't leave. "I was clumsy. I won't let it happen again."

Arizona took her eyes off her still shaking hands for just a moment to pin Avery with a cold stare. "Get out of my OR. Now."

Clearly stricken, Avery nodded. "Yes, ma'am." He walked to the door, stripping off his gloves then pulling off his face mask. No one spoke as he left the room.

Mortified, Arizona returned her gaze to her hands, terrified that they hadn't stilled. Everything she had feared was coming to pass. The rape was affecting her even here, in a situation where she couldn't afford to show weakness. And everyone in the operating theater could see it. The anesthesiologist, the nurses, the techs. Bailey. Arizona's stomach turned over as she lifted her eyes to the observation room window, where Callie stared at her from the front row.

"Dr. Robbins." Bailey's voice tore her attention away from the concern on Callie's face. Swallowing, Arizona met Bailey's eyes, fearing what she would read there. Bailey slowly reached over the table and placed her hands on Arizona's, steadying them. "Dr. Robbins, take a moment."

She was putting her patient in danger. She was a surgeon with shaky hands and she couldn't control her own emotions. She was letting her personal life interfere with her work, something she had never done before.

She was failing.

"Dr. Robbins. Arizona." Bailey gently squeezed her hands. "You are the best surgeon in the hospital to perform this procedure on this patient. You can do this. Just take a moment and breathe."

The soothing cadence of Bailey's voice penetrated Arizona's racing thoughts, bringing them to a halt. Arizona lifted her gaze again to the observation room and met Callie's eyes. Callie had her palm pressed against the window, and her face radiated sober confidence. In Arizona.

_You can do this,_ Callie mouthed, echoing Bailey's words.

Arizona took a deep breath, then exhaled. She _had_ to do this. For the little boy on her table. For herself. Reaching down deep, she forced her hands steady, relieved when her body finally obeyed her mind. Then she met Bailey's stare. "I'm fine, Dr. Bailey."

Bailey released her hands. "Yes you are." Her brown eyes flicked to the monitor. "And to answer your question, what you'll do next is use the left lower quadrant grasper to create a mesenteric window behind the base of the appendix."

"Correct." Shoving her mind away from the deep humiliation she felt at her panic attack, Arizona did exactly as Bailey said. She couldn't change what had just happened, but she could sure as hell try and salvage her reputation by finishing what she’d started.

There would be plenty of time to dwell on her failure later, when a child's life wasn't at stake.

#

In the scrub room after her successful—albeit shaky—appendectomy, Arizona couldn't meet Bailey's eyes. They stood side-by-side at the sink washing up, and though Bailey hadn't said a word since they left the operating theater, Arizona knew she wasn't going to escape without some kind of conversation. Despite Bailey's policy about not discussing personal issues at work, she was deadly serious about surgery. After how Arizona had dropped the ball in the OR, she was certain Bailey would have an opinion.

"Just say it." Arizona toweled her hands dry and turned to face Bailey, who raised a questioning eyebrow. "I know you've got something to say, so say it. I messed up. I panicked. I put my patient's life at risk. I was unfair to Dr. Avery." Throat tightening, Arizona stared at a spot on the wall over Bailey's shoulder and tried to hold it together. Nothing Bailey could say would ever come close to being as bad as what Arizona already thought. "Say it."

"I think you need to stop beating yourself up." Bailey stepped into Arizona's line of sight, catching her gaze. "You had a momentary lapse. You pulled it together. The patient is just fine."

Arizona bit her lip. Now that her patient was closed up and on his way to recovery, the turmoil she had pushed aside earlier resurfaced, twisting her into knots. "I don't belong in there. If I can't keep it together when I'm inside a little boy's abdomen, I have no business being in an OR."

Bailey set her mouth in a tense line, and Arizona could see she didn't have a response to that. Because it was true. "Maybe you need to take some time off. Do you have someone—a professional—you can talk to?"

A lump rose in Arizona's throat, threatening to choke her. She didn't want to talk about it anymore. Talking about it was too painful. Too humiliating. Talking about it made it real.

"There's no shame in any of this, Dr. Robbins. It's been a week. Only a week. This _just_ happened. And you need to deal with it." Bailey's face was as gentle as Arizona had ever seen it. The woman who hated dealing with personal life stuff was gone. In her place was a trusted friend. "So deal with it. Because you're one of the best damn surgeons in this hospital, and I refuse to let you decide that you don't belong in the OR. That's _exactly_ where you belong. And soon enough you'll be back in there, better than ever." Bailey cracked a smile. "Hopefully to teach me your laparoscopic technique, because it is _stunning_."

Eyes stinging, Arizona nodded quickly. She had to get out of there before she started sobbing. "Thank you, Dr. Bailey. I'll…take that under advisement."

"You do that."

Arizona turned on her heel and rushed out of the scrub room. She kept her head down, not wanting to meet anyone's gaze. The day so far had been a roller coaster, and Arizona could feel that she was about to break from the stress. If she was going to crumble yet again, she wanted to do it away from prying eyes.

In the hallway just outside the scrub room, Arizona ran into something solid. Yelping in surprise, she raised her hands to protect herself, then immediately dropped them when she realized that Callie's arms cradled her, keeping her on her feet.

"I didn't see you," Arizona mumbled. "You scared me." 

"I'm sorry." Callie released her and stepped back, leaving Arizona cold with her absence. "I was waiting for you. I promised you lunch."

"I'm not hungry." Arizona put a hand on her stomach, sickened by the thought of trying to get something down. "I just…need to be alone for a while."

Callie put a hand on Arizona's arm and tugged her across the hall to an empty exam room. There was a part of Arizona that wanted to pull out of Callie's grasp and take off, not ready for yet another conversation about the state of her mental health. But she didn't want to hurt Callie. So she followed.

Pulling them inside, Callie closed the door and turned to face Arizona with a familiar look of sympathy. _That_ look. And that was the last straw. Anger flared deep in Arizona's belly—anger for the attack, for the physical and emotional scars it had caused, for the way it left her broken in ways that felt impossible to fix—and she lashed out at the one person she knew didn't deserve it. "What part of me wanting to be alone don't you get?"

Callie flinched. "I…I just wanted to tell you that I know you had a rough spot in there, but you did great. It was a beautiful surgery."

"It was a fucking _disaster_!" Arizona knew she was probably overstating. After all, she had gotten through it without harming her patient. But she was furious: at herself, at the man who had attacked her, at Avery, even at Callie for having seen her panic attack. She was angry at the goddamn world. "Don't you dare patronize me. Don't tell me I did well when I didn't. That doesn't help me. It doesn't help anything."

"I'm not patronizing you. I'm telling you that you're being way too hard on yourself here." Callie's whole body had tensed. "Just calm down, Arizona. Breathe."

"Don't tell me what to do," Arizona spat. "You have no idea what this is like. None." She turned and grabbed the door handle, hating the way she was speaking to Callie, wanting nothing more than to run away. With her back to Callie, Arizona said, "Just leave me alone. Let me deal with it by myself."

Callie's hand slammed against the door next to Arizona's head, preventing her from opening it. Arizona could feel the warmth of Callie's body at her back and she swallowed, waiting for fear to take over. She was almost relieved when all she felt was frustration. Whirling around, she took a step forward, forcing Callie to back off.

"Don't." Arizona glared at Callie. She knew Callie wasn't the appropriate target for all this anger and pain, but it felt good to let it out. It had been building for a week now, poisoning her. Now that she’d let go of her tight control over her emotions, she savored the freedom of giving them full reign. "If you love me at all, then leave me the fuck alone."

At first Callie drew back as though she had been struck. Then her face darkened. "You know what? No." For the first time in seven days, recognizable fire burned in Callie's eyes. "I do love you, Arizona, so I'm not going to ignore this anymore. You're hurting and you're angry and you're scared and that's healthy. All of it. What isn't healthy is pretending like everything's fine. So I won't let you do it. Not anymore."

"Damn it, Calliope." Arizona brought her hands to her head and pressed her fingers against her temples. She knew Callie meant what she said. There would be no more facades, no more playacting. But she was teetering on the edge of a total meltdown in a place where she didn't feel safe. Where she had no privacy. It was too much. "Not here. Not now."

"Yes, now. Tell me what happened in there. Tell me why you're so angry with yourself over this." Callie exhaled, and Arizona saw that her hands were shaking, too. "Ignoring it won't make it go away."

Arizona bit her lip until it hurt. But she was too tired to keep fighting. So she let go. "Avery bumped into me and I fell apart. My hands were _shaking_ , Calliope. Shaking. When I was inside that little boy. I could have killed him."

"But you didn't."

"But I could have." Hot tears spilled over onto her cheeks, but Arizona didn't bother to wipe them away. There was no point. "How would I have lived with myself if I had?"

"You can't punish yourself for something that didn't happen," Callie said. "Yes, you panicked. But then you overcame it. You kicked ass." 

Arizona shook her head. Both Bailey and Callie were far too forgiving, far too understanding. As a surgeon, her personal issues had no place in the operating room. "This is my career we're talking about. My reputation. You know what I proved today? That if a man touches me, any man, I will freak out. Do you know how many male surgeons there are? Anesthesiologists? Nurses? Men are going to touch me, Calliope, and if every time it happens I start to shake because I'm thinking about _that_ man…thinking about him touching me, kissing my neck, _fucking_ me…"

Arizona could see the horror Callie tried so hard to hide, but instead of regretting her words, she felt some measure of satisfaction. Right now she was full of rage, and she wanted Callie to be angry, too. To show her something other than the calm strength she had been so good at maintaining. Arizona wanted some sign that Callie was just as damaged by all this as she was.

"It won't feel like this forever, _querida_. I promise. It _will_ get better. You just need time." Callie took a tentative step forward, but didn't close the distance between them. Didn't touch Arizona. From the hesitation in her eyes, Arizona knew Callie was frightened about how Arizona might react to physical contact.

That hurt more than almost anything. Maybe even more than the rape itself.

"You can't even touch me," Arizona whispered. "You can't spoon me in bed or put your hand on my back without making me think of him. You're afraid to get near me, because you know I'm fucked up. Because you know I might freak out."

"I'm just trying to be respectful—"

"You're being wonderful. Perfect." Arizona's eyes burned from all the crying, but she couldn't stop. Now that all these feelings were pouring out, there was no bottling everything back inside. "It's me. I'm not okay." It was a relief to finally admit it out loud. To say the words. Sobbing, Arizona said them again. "I'm not okay, Calliope."

Callie stepped forward and tugged Arizona into her arms, holding her tightly. Instead of making her feel trapped, the strong embrace comforted Arizona. All at once, she was certain that Callie's arms were the only thing keeping her from flying apart at the seams.

"I'm not okay," Arizona mumbled. "I want so badly to be okay, but no matter how much I pretend I am, I'm not. And I don't know how to get okay."

Callie shushed her, rubbing her hands up and down Arizona's back slowly. "I know, baby. We'll figure it out, all right? Together. I promise we'll make you okay again."

Arizona clutched at Callie's shoulders, flashing back to the operating room. To the spectacle she made of herself. "I can't be in an OR until then."

"You know that can be arranged."

"Teddy and Bailey think I need to talk about it. But I've talked about it enough already. With Detective Mendoza, with you." Arizona sniffled, burying her face in Callie's dark hair. "Talking about it makes me feel bad."

"If it were me dealing with this, what would you say?" Callie's heart pounded against Arizona's chest. "Would you think I should talk through it? Or bottle it up and stew over it?"

"Not fair," Arizona said. "It's not the same."

"Why not?"

Shrugging, Arizona murmured, "It just isn't."

"For what it's worth, I think Teddy and Bailey are right. I think you need to talk about it."

"How will that help?" Arizona wiped her eyes without pulling out of the warm circle of Callie's arms. "Every time I think about what happened, every time I talk about it…it hurts. I don't want to think about it anymore."

"But you are thinking about it. Even when you don't want to. Maybe if you talked about what happened, it would take away some of its power over you." Callie stroked her head and Arizona closed her eyes, trying not to remember the way her rapist had fisted his hand in her hair before slamming her face into the ground. The stroking stopped. "Like that. Don't tell me not to worry this time. Tell me what you were thinking about when I touched your hair."

Arizona shook her head, uneasy about putting words to the violent flashes of memory. She wanted to tell Callie she was okay, but knew that wouldn't work anymore. "He…" 

"I love you, Arizona. I don't want to frighten you. I don't want to trigger anything unpleasant. You need to help me—and yourself—by telling me what your triggers are, as you discover them. Then we can work through them together. Okay?"

It made sense. As much as she didn't want to talk about the way Callie's loving caresses would sometimes stir fear deep in her gut, the truth was that Callie deserved to know. If she knew, maybe Arizona wouldn't have to continue to deal with the consequences of her well-intentioned physicality.

Steeling herself, Arizona said, "When I realized it was really going to happen, I tried to get away. Fought with everything I had. He punched me in the head and turned me over, and when I tried to scream…"

Callie's hands were shaking against Arizona's back. "Tell me."

"He grabbed my hair and pulled it so hard it brought tears to my eyes. Then he slammed my face into the grass. I couldn't breathe." Arizona inhaled deeply to reassure herself that she could. "Sometimes when you touch my hair, it makes me remember. And I feel that anticipation again. Knowing what's about to happen, trying so hard to think about you to distract myself from the pain that's coming."

Now Callie's heart thumped wildly against Arizona's breasts. Arizona opened her eyes and brought her face even with Callie's to press their cheeks together. She couldn't tell if the wetness she felt were her own tears or Callie's.

"Okay," Callie whispered. "So for right now, I'll try my hardest not to do anything to bring that up for you. And if I do anything else that bothers you—"

"I'll tell you." Arizona drew back so she could look Callie in the eyes. Both Callie's cheeks were streaked with tears. "I promise."

"And you'll think about talking to someone?" Callie touched the side of Arizona's face, and Arizona leaned into the caress. "Even if you don't want to talk to me. Just find someone you can trust and talk to them. Okay?"

Arizona nodded. "Okay."

"I know you're not sure how that'll help, but what about Owen Hunt? He woke up choking Cristina, for God's sake. Then he got into therapy and look where he is now."

Arizona thought of Teddy's offer that morning to listen when Arizona needed to talk. She wasn't exactly a professional, but apparently she had experience with recovering from a sexual assault. It was a start, at least. "I promise I'll talk to someone."

"Good." Callie took a step back, out of Arizona's personal space. "If you want to go be alone now, I understand. Thank you for talking to me."

Arizona bit her lip as her chest filled with renewed emotion. This time it wasn't fear. Or anger. Gazing at her impossibly gorgeous partner, seeing the adoration in her eyes even after everything she’d had thrown at her today, Arizona was overwhelmed by deep, all-consuming love. It was like nothing she had ever felt before, for anyone. Right on the heels of the self-flagellation and despair the incident with Avery had evoked, it was the most healing sensation she could imagine.

No matter what else happened, Callie loved her. She believed in her. And she meant it when she said she was here to stay.

"No, I don't want to be alone." Arizona closed the distance between them, taking Callie's hand. "Besides, you promised me lunch."

The joy on Callie's face made even the idea of eating palatable. "Sky's the limit, sweetheart. I'll even spring for chocolate pudding."

Despite everything, Arizona finally felt a small ray of hope. Some measure of reprieve. If nothing else, she didn't have the burden of hiding from Callie anymore. For the first time in a week, the weight Arizona had been carrying on her shoulders eased. At least with Callie, she didn't have to pretend. She _couldn't_ pretend.

What a relief.

"Chocolate pudding, huh?" Arizona gave Callie a genuine smile. Dimples and all. "Maybe the day can be salvaged yet."

 

_To be continued…_  


	7. Chapter 7

This story deals with the topic of **rape and recovery**. I am rating it a hard M for graphic depictions of rape, violence, and, eventually, consensual sex.

I would never write about rape frivolously, nor to titillate. There's a lot of fan fiction out there that deals with sexual assault in all manner of ways, many of them distasteful. The last thing I want to do is add to the litany of "rapefic" that traumatizes beloved characters for the sake of creating a juicy story.

At the same time, rape and sexual assault is a reality. As such, I believe it is a legitimate subject for fiction, especially when the focus is not so much on the physical act but on the psychological repercussions, the aftershocks such an event can unleash in a survivor's life.

If the frank depiction of rape and the pain of recovery (physical, emotional, and sexual) is likely to trigger or otherwise upset you, I would honestly give this story a pass. I don't plan on pulling any punches. I do plan on handling this the most respectful way I know how.

  

**CHAPTER SEVEN**

Callie collapsed onto Arizona's couch, exhausted after a long shift that had ended about an hour after she hit her physical limit. Unfortunately, the day wasn't over yet. At some point this evening she would have to return to the hospital to pick up Arizona. After a week of managing to schedule their shifts to coincide, Arizona had stayed late tonight to consult on one of Mark Sloan's patients, a little girl who had been severely burned in the fire that destroyed her family's home. Not wanting to crash in an on-call room, Callie had decided to go back to Arizona's place to rest, even if it meant she would just have to leave again shortly.

Being alone in Arizona's apartment stirred mixed feelings. Surrounded by Arizona's scent, Callie missed her partner so intensely she ached. They had been nearly inseparable for the past two weeks, and even when they weren't together, Arizona consumed her thoughts—where she was, how she was doing. Logically, she knew that Arizona needed space on occasion, a chance to be alone, but until this moment, Callie hadn't realized how healing time apart might be for her as well.

As difficult as it was to be away from Arizona, Callie felt her body relax now that she could let down her guard. Alone, she didn't have to stay on high alert. There was no need to analyze her every word and action, no worry that she might do something that would set Arizona off on a path of fear or anger. Getting Arizona to drop her defenses and be honest about her struggles had been the best thing possible for her recovery, but now that Arizona was no longer protecting her from the full brunt of her emotions, Callie was just plain worn out.

Just as her eyes began to droop closed, her cell phone rang. Sighing, Callie said, "Seriously?" Tempted to let the call go to voice mail for only an instant, she picked up the phone and looked at the display. Addison Montgomery. Debating internally, Callie decided that her nap could wait. "Hey, Addie."

"Men suck."

Callie smiled at Addison's typically direct greeting. After the past week and a half, she had more sympathy for the sentiment than normal. "Agreed."

"I'm starting to think you had the right idea, relocating to the Isle of Lesbos."

Callie closed her eyes. "I wish I could tell you it was all sunshine and rainbows here, but that would be a lie."

Addison was silent for a beat, then, "What's wrong, Callie?"

"Am I that obvious?"

"You sound exhausted." Addison's voice softened. "Hard day?"

"Hard couple weeks." Swallowing, Callie said, "Hardest of my life."

"Girl troubles?"

"No." Callie winced, questioning whether she had the energy to talk about this tonight. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hijack the conversation."

"Don't be ridiculous," Addison said. "It sounds like you need to talk. And I'm your friend. So talk. What happened?"

Callie exhaled. There really was no good way to say it except plainly. "Arizona was attacked in the parking lot at work. Friday before last."

Addison gasped audibly. "Oh my God. _Attacked_?"

"She was raped."

"Jesus, Callie. Oh, no." Addison sounded near tears. "I…don't know what to say. I'm so sorry."

"Yeah." Callie pinched the bridge of her nose without opening her eyes, hoping to stave off the tears she was too tired to hold back. "It's pretty devastating."

"Poor Arizona. How badly was she hurt?"

"It was pretty bad. He really beat her up. Black eyes, cut lip, bruises all over her body. He…tore her. In the parking lot. While I was inside the hospital, watching the clock."

Addison made a small, pained noise. "I hope you're not blaming yourself. How could you have known?"

"I couldn't have." Callie's chin trembled. "But I wish I had."

"I know it's a silly question, but how is she doing?"

"She's struggling. She has trouble sleeping. Nightmares. Not much of an appetite. She's had a few fairly intense flashbacks, one in the OR—"

"Damn." Addison's voice radiated sympathy. As a surgeon, she obviously understood how unsettling it would be to lose control in that situation. "Is she seeing someone? A therapist?"

"No." Though Arizona had promised to talk to somebody—anybody—so far she hadn't followed through. But it had only been five days since her panic attack during surgery, so Callie was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt. "She said she'll find someone, but I think she's trying to work up the courage. She doesn't like talking about it."

"That's understandable. But it'll help."

"I know." Callie sighed deeply. "Arizona's just a generally happy person and I think this is really throwing her. Hurting like this. For the first week, she tried to bury it as best as she could. Act okay, be okay."

"Well, that doesn't work."

Something about Addison's tone told Callie that she had knowledge on the subject. Callie's heart sank. "Please tell me you don't know that from personal experience."

"I counseled sexual assault victims as a volunteer when I was in medical school. And at different times since then." Addison cleared her throat. "It's a difficult process, healing. But she will heal."

"I keep telling her that. It's just so hard right now."

"That's totally normal. Her world has just been rocked." Addison wasn't saying anything Callie didn't instinctively know, but it helped to hear confirmation. "So has yours."

Callie didn't like talking about herself in this situation. Arizona was the one who had really been broken. "I just want her to be okay."

"She will be. You're both going to be okay."

When the first tear finally slipped out, Callie decided to just let them come. It felt better than straining so hard to suppress the sadness that constantly lingered below the surface. "I've never seen someone I love in so much pain. I couldn't have ever imagined feeling like this." Laughing bitterly, Callie said, "I don't even know how I feel anymore. Sometimes I'm just numb."

"This is a process for you, too," Addison said quietly. "Are _you_ talking to anyone?"

"Not really." Callie curled up on her side, pressing her knees into the couch cushions. The position comforted her, made her feel sheltered somehow. "Mark, a little. Arizona told me she knew I would have to talk about it, but somehow it doesn't seem right. Like it's not my thing to talk about."

"It's your thing, too. A different thing than Arizona is going through. But still a thing." Addison chuckled lightly. "But Mark? Really?"

Callie smiled. "He's been great, actually."

"Well, if you ever want to talk to someone who isn't Mark Sloan, I'm here."

The offer was soft-spoken and sincere, and Callie warmed at the concern in Addison's voice. Now that Addison had given her permission to unload, the words started to tumble out. "I never expected to experience something like this with a partner. And not only because I've pretty much always dated men. This is the first time I've ever gone through something of this magnitude within a relationship. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do."

"Support her. Listen to her. Talk to her." She could hear Addison smile. "I know how you feel about that woman, Callie. I have a feeling you're doing just fine."

"I'm really trying. At first I was giving her space, not pushing her…but after what happened in the OR, she had a little bit of a meltdown. I've never seen her so angry. Honestly, it was scary." Callie took a breath, remembering how it had felt to withstand the full brunt of Arizona's rage. Standing up to Arizona, not allowing her to run away and hide, had been terrifying. "But things have been a little better since then. When I touch her and she stiffens, she tells me why instead of insisting that she's fine. And now she wakes me up when she has nightmares, because she says I help her feel safe enough to get back to sleep. And when she's scared or upset, she admits it. I think it's all helping, bit by bit. She's starting to have good days now. Not just good hours. You know?"

"That's excellent."

"But it's like I'm constantly on edge. Not wanting to do or say anything to upset her. Not knowing what's coming next. We should be hearing about the DNA results any day now. HIV test next month. And then there's all the other potential fallout. What if they catch the guy? What if there's a trial? Will that help, or set her back?"

"You can't worry about the future." Addison's confident tone told Callie that she had slipped into counselor mode. "Take it a day at a time, okay? If you focus on things that _might_ happen, you'll drive yourself crazy."

"And then there's sex. I mean, we haven't even talked about that yet. She's not ready for sex right now. But what happens when she says she is? What do I do? What if I end up frightening her? Triggering her?" A tear dripped onto Callie's neck, alerting her to the fact that she hadn't yet stopped crying. This subject had been twisting her guts into painful knots for the past couple days, despite the fact that it really hadn't come up. But she missed Arizona in that way, and from some of Arizona's recent comments, she knew Arizona also felt the loss of their physical connection. The discussion—and the reconnection—would happen at some point, and Callie was terrified of that day.

"Whoa," Addison said quietly. "Like I said, one day at a time. When Arizona decides that she wants to explore being sexual again, it'll just be one more step in the healing process. The key is to talk to her, to communicate. Help keep her in the moment. When a survivor is triggered by something, the trick is for them to learn to stay in the present. To recognize that they're safe. There are many different ways Arizona can do that. And you can help."

Callie wiped at her face with shaky hands. "I don't know why I'm even thinking about it right now. We're so far from that point."

"Well, you never know. There is no timeline for that. She may want to wait a while until she feels more comfortable, or she may be eager to reconnect sexually in a safe space. To reclaim her body and her sexuality." Addison paused, then said, "And you're thinking about it because you miss her. She's still the woman you love. This doesn't change any of that."

"No, it doesn't." Callie slipped a hand beneath the hem of her T-shirt, touching her bare stomach. The connection soothed her, though she wished it were Arizona's skin beneath her fingertips. "I love her so much, Addison. And you're right. I do miss her. She's the one, you know? If I didn't fully appreciate that before, I do now."

"She's lucky to have you, Callie. Try not to worry so much, okay? Arizona will tell you when she's ready for sex. And she may or may not be right about that, when it happens. You may have to stop if she gets overwhelmed. But you'll work it out eventually."

"I hope so." Callie exhaled again, then laughed wearily. "Seriously, I'm sorry. You didn't call to hear all this. Maybe you should tell me why men suck. Beyond the obvious reasons, I mean."

Addison hesitated. “Honestly? You just put my problems into major perspective. I'm fine."

"Well, that's good to hear."

"No wonder you're so tired," Addison said softly. "Do me a favor, sweetie. Make sure to take time for yourself every once in a while. For both your sakes. If you get burnt out, you're no good to her."

"Well, I plan on sleeping like the dead just as soon as I pick her up from work." Callie yawned at the thought. "We've been sharing shifts but she had to stay late tonight. She doesn't come or go alone anymore."

"I can understand that. But I wasn't just talking about sleeping. I'm talking time relaxing, hanging out with friends. Time away from the little bubble I suspect the two of you are living inside."

"I'm not really in the mood, to be honest. To leave the bubble."

"I know. That doesn't mean it's not important." Addison chuckled. "That's something Mark would be good for. He's a fun guy. So go have fun the next time you have the opportunity. Please."

"I'll try." The phone beeped in Callie's ear, and she held it away from her face to check the display. "Hold on a second, Addison. Arizona's calling."

"No problem."

Callie clicked over. "Hey, baby. Ready to come home?"

"Hey." To Callie's delight, she could hear Arizona's smile in her voice. And it sounded genuine. "I like that. Hearing you call my place home."

"My home is with you. Wherever that may be at any given moment."

Callie swore she could hear Arizona's grin grow wider. "You're batting a thousand tonight, Calliope. I don't think it's possible to love you any more."

Arizona's happiness washed away the turmoil and exhaustion Callie had been mired in only moments earlier. This was why she never doubted that Arizona was worth every bit of effort. "I'll leave now and be there in ten minutes."

"No, I was actually calling to tell you that Teddy is going to drive me home. I think we're going to hang out for a bit first, though. Is that okay?"

"Of course." As much as Callie missed Arizona, the thought of being able to crawl straight into bed was seductive. "I'll probably go ahead and crash, if you don't mind."

"I don't mind." Arizona lowered her voice. "You've earned it."

Callie smiled. "Tell Teddy I said hi, okay?"

"I will." Arizona paused. "I think we're going to…talk. About things."

Callie sat up on the couch, suddenly awake. "Oh. That's good. Right?"

"I guess we'll see." Arizona laughed nervously. "I hope so."

"It'll be good." Callie put her hand over her heart, overcome by a wave of deep emotion. She knew Arizona wasn't entirely pleased with the way she had been coping in the aftermath, but Callie couldn't be more impressed. "I'm proud of you, darling. I really am."

"Thanks," Arizona murmured. "I'll see you in bed, okay?"

"You bet. I'll leave a light on."

Callie clicked back over to Addison. "You still there?"

"I am."

"Sounds like Arizona's going to hang out with Teddy for a bit. So I guess I get to enjoy that deep sleep I was talking about a little sooner than anticipated."

"Good for Arizona," Addison said warmly. "Take note, Torres. Hanging out with friends."

Callie rolled her eyes. "Message received. But tonight, bed is my friend. And we've got a lot of catching up to do."

Laughing, Addison said, "Message received. I'll let you go. Take care of yourself, okay? Take care of Arizona. Call me if you need me."

"I will." Callie grinned. "I miss you, Addie. Remind me again why you moved away?"

"Sometimes I ask myself the same thing."

"I'll talk to you later. And good luck with your man problems. We'll get to them next time, I promise."

"Night, Callie."

"Good night."

Callie closed her phone, relieved that she didn't have anywhere else to be. She trusted Teddy to take care of Arizona, so for the next few hours at least, she only had to worry about herself. She hated to admit how good that felt. Knowing she would miss the warmth of Arizona's body beside hers, but excited by the prospect of stripping down and crawling beneath the warm comforter, Callie dragged herself to the bedroom for a good, long sleep.

#

Arizona sat in the passenger seat of Teddy's car and stared out the window at the darkened city streets. She hadn't been out this late at night without Callie since the rape. Amazing how something she used to do without thinking had become such a foreign, unsettling experience. Being with Teddy meant that she was probably reasonably safe—after all, she got the impression that Teddy could kick some major ass if push came to shove—but these days Callie's presence comforted her like nothing else. As much as she was looking forward to spending time with her other best friend, Arizona couldn't help but miss Callie intensely.

"You mind if we grab some dinner?" Teddy glanced away from the road, catching Arizona's gaze. "I'm starving."

"Of course." Technically Arizona wasn't very hungry, but she knew she had to eat. She needed to give her body fuel if she wanted to stay strong, even if food no longer tasted as good as it used to. "Whatever you want."

"Pizza?"

Arizona smiled. Pizza always made her think about Callie. About the first time they made love. "I love pizza."

"We can call and order from the car. Maybe have it delivered to my place, unless you wanted to go sit down somewhere."

Arizona shook her head. Though she was dreading it, part of her mission tonight was to try and talk to Teddy about what had happened. What she was going through now. She was no closer to wanting to go over it again, but she had promised Callie. And Arizona kept her promises. The obvious joy in Callie's voice when they had spoken on the phone had reminded her why facing her fears was more than worth it.

"I'd prefer to go to your apartment," Arizona said. "More privacy."

"I understand." Teddy raised a hopeful eyebrow. "You like green peppers and onions?"

"Perfect."

Arizona sat in silence as Teddy ordered their pizza. When Teddy hung up, Arizona turned in her seat and studied her friend's profile. Before the rape, talking to Teddy had always been effortless. Now Arizona barely knew what to say.

"We don't have to talk about it tonight, you know." Teddy gave her a sidelong glance. "If you're not ready. I'm totally fine with just hanging out."

"No, I'm ready. To talk a little, at least." Shrugging, Arizona picked at the knee of her worn jeans. "I guess I just don't know how."

Teddy steered her car into the parking lot of a gated apartment building. She nodded at a security guard who sat in a booth at the entrance, then pulled into an empty spot. Turning off the car, Teddy unbuckled her seatbelt and shifted to face Arizona. "Why don't we go inside and pour a glass of wine?"

Arizona smiled. "I can live with that."

Teddy got out of the car and walked around to the passenger side, where Arizona climbed out with a nervous look around. The parking lot was well-lit and quiet, and Teddy was there with her, but that didn't stop a flutter of panic from stirring in Arizona's gut.

"Security does an excellent job here." Teddy stepped close to Arizona and gave her a supportive smile. "I promise."

"Of course," Arizona murmured. Before the attack, she never thought twice about walking through parking lots. Now she couldn't imagine anything more sinister. "I'm sorry, it's silly."

"No, it's not." Teddy met her eyes, then slowly reached out to take Arizona's hand. "It's perfectly natural. But you're safe now, I promise. Let's get inside."

Arizona let Teddy lead her to her apartment by their joined hands. She could have felt embarrassed by Teddy's gentle handling of her fears, but she didn't. It was clear that Teddy truly understood where she was coming from in a way that nobody else had so far. Teddy released her hand only to unlock the door, then ushered Arizona inside.

Arizona looked around. This was only her second time inside Teddy's apartment. Usually they hung out at Callie or Arizona's place, or more frequently at Joe's. Appreciating the meticulous yet homey atmosphere of Teddy's space, Arizona made a quiet circuit around the room, glancing at the photos lining the wall. She stopped at one of Owen and Teddy in army fatigues with their arms around each other's shoulders.

"I'm a glutton for punishment, I suppose." Teddy gave her a sheepish smile as she stepped into the attached kitchen. "But no matter how things are now, with Cristina, he's always going to be the best friend I had over there."

Walking to Teddy's couch, Arizona kicked off her shoes and sat at one end. "I'm sorry you guys missed your chance. I think you would have made a beautiful couple."

Teddy held up a bottle of wine. "You like Cabernet Sauvignon? Great with pizza."

"Sounds wonderful."

"As far as Owen, you never know. Maybe we'll have another chance." Teddy opened the bottle, pouring two glasses. "And if not, I'll have a chance with someone else." Carrying a glass in each hand, Teddy smiled as she approached the couch. "Who knows, maybe I'll even get lucky enough to find my Callie someday."

Arizona blushed and took the wine with a grateful nod. She remembered Callie's heartfelt words on the phone earlier and had to forcibly stop herself from swooning. If anything convinced her that their relationship was _the_ relationship of Arizona's life, it was that she could still feel so strongly about Callie even when everything else in her life was in turmoil. "I am pretty lucky."

"Cheers," Teddy said, raising her glass. When Arizona clinked hers against it lightly, Teddy took a sip, watching Arizona's face. "How are you guys doing?"

"We're good." Arizona could say that with confidence. She and Callie were the most stable thing in her life right now. "She's wonderful. Patient, supportive, able to withstand everything I throw at her." Shaking her head, Arizona tasted the wine. "Lucky doesn't really begin to cover what I am, having her in my life. Especially right now."

"That's awesome, Arizona." Teddy's eyes shone. "That has to really help."

Unsure how much she should ask Teddy about her own experience, Arizona nonetheless sensed an opportunity to transition into what she had come to talk about. "Were you…with someone? When it happened?"

Looking calmer than Arizona could imagine being while thinking about her own attack, Teddy shook her head. "No. I'd only had one boyfriend before then, in high school. It happened during undergrad, when I was terminally single."

Arizona blinked and looked down at her socked feet. "You know, I don't want to make you talk about anything you don't feel like revisiting."

"Hey," Teddy said quietly, ducking her head to catch Arizona's eye. "It really was a long time ago. I can talk about whatever you want to talk about."

Arizona pressed the knuckles of her index fingers to her eyes, steeling herself against tears. She was so tired of crying but couldn't seem to stop. "I feel like I'm going crazy. Like I'm not in control of my own body anymore. My reactions." Exhaling shakily, she whispered, "I fix people. That's what I do. But I don't know how to fix myself."

"You're not crazy," Teddy said. "And unfortunately, there's no quick fix. It'll take time. It'll also take practice. You just need to work on regaining control of your body's reactions to things. That means taking charge of your thoughts. Focusing on your breathing." Teddy poked Arizona lightly with her foot, which was clad in a brightly colored sock. "I can give you some really good tips. Because I went through the exact same thing. For months after it happened, anything could set me off. Certain smells, tastes, sounds. Being touched. Feeling unsafe, feeling trapped."

Arizona nodded in recognition. "The smell of cigarettes. The sensation of someone behind me. Having my hair touched or pulled."

"Triggers?"

"Yeah." Arizona had starting keeping a mental list, which she shared with Callie. Things to avoid, if possible. Or at the very least, to be aware of. "There's probably more, but that's what I've found so far."

"It's important to know what might set you off. That way you can start focusing on where you are and what's _really_ happening the instant you start to react. So you can remember that you're safe."

Arizona exhaled harshly. "I'm so tired of feeling like this. When does it go away?"

"It's different for everyone, I'm sure. I struggled for a long time after it happened. There are things that make me uncomfortable to this day, like being drunk when I'm alone with a man."

"How about the part where you felt crazy? When did that go away?"

Teddy gave her a look of sad understanding. "Honestly, it took me a while. But I was away at school where I didn't have much of a support system." For the first time, Teddy dropped her gaze, looking almost ashamed. "It was a toxic environment for me, after it happened. Everyone knew. Or thought they knew something, at least. What they believed and what really happened…well, they didn't know the truth."

Arizona bit her lip. "May I ask?"

Teddy met her eyes. She seemed to gather herself before starting to speak. "There were these two guys who lived in my dorm. Same hall as me. Jay and Steve. Jay was in a lot of the same pre-med classes as me, and his roommate Steve just seemed like a nice guy, and we all kind of hit it off. I hung out with them all the time. Studying in their dorm room, grabbing lunch with one or both of them between classes." Teddy gave her a sheepish smile. "My best friends have always been guys. Until you, actually."

Now Arizona poked Teddy with her foot. "Glad you decided to make an exception."

"Me too." Teddy smiled warmly, then quickly sobered. "So one night I was in Jay and Steve's dorm room. Jay and I were supposed to be studying for a biology test, but Steve came back to the room with a bottle of vodka. They talked me into doing shots." Teddy shook her head, laughing without humor. "I look back on it now, and it's like…what the hell was I thinking? But they were my friends, you know? I never would have expected…" She sniffed, looking away. "Anyway."

Arizona swallowed as a lump rose in her throat. She knew where the story was heading and felt sick over it. "I think I can guess."

Teddy stayed calm and unemotional as she continued. "One minute we were laughing after a round of shots, then the next, Steve was kissing me. Like, _really_ kissing me. And I had only ever kissed one boy before, in high school, so I was sort of taken by surprise. I think I even kissed back for a minute, but then I realized that Jay was just sitting there watching, and it…" She shook her head. "It was too weird. So I pulled away and told Steve to stop." Teddy bit her lip. "It still bothers me, the way I trusted them. The way they betrayed that trust. They were supposed to be my friends. My best friends."

Arizona nodded. It was one thing to have been hurt by a stranger. She could hate a stranger, tell herself he was a sick, evil man who clearly saw her as an object instead of a person. But to have been violated in that way by someone you thought you could trust…Arizona wiped away the tears that surfaced. "I'm sorry, Teddy. I can't even imagine."

"Jay ended up holding me down while Steve raped me. Then they switched places." As though a switch had been flipped, Teddy's voice had gone flat. No more sadness, no more shame. Just a cold recitation of facts. "I was way too drunk to fight back. I just kept begging them to stop, but they didn't. By the end of the week, the whole dorm had heard that they had double-teamed me. That I was a slut who had begged them for it."

Arizona's cheeks flooded with heat at Teddy's words. Immediately she felt the shame of her own attacker's name-calling. "The man who raped me…he called me a slut. Among other things. Like I wanted it. Like I deserved it somehow."

"But you know it wasn't your fault. Right?"

Blinking back tears, Arizona whispered, "Yes. But I wish I would have waited for a security guard once I realized the light next to my car was out."

"It took me a long time to accept that what happened to me wasn't my fault," Teddy said. "After all, I was in their room. Alone. Drunk. Probably even flirting. I totally had a crush on Jay." She shook her head. "No matter what, I asked them to stop. They didn't. I didn't deserve what happened. It was their fault, not mine."

Arizona nodded. There was no question in her mind where the blame rested, for both she and Teddy. "True."

"I don't even want to imagine how scary it must have been for you." Teddy scooted closer, tentatively touching Arizona's shoulder. "What happened to me wasn't nearly as brutal. They didn't leave a mark on me."

"It was terrifying." Arizona swallowed, fighting the urge to close her eyes. If she did, she knew what images her mind would dredge up. "I've never been so frightened in my entire life. It was degrading and painful and just…" Arizona exhaled. "I don't know how to forget it. How to move on."

"Well, you'll never forget it. It's a part of you now."

Nodding in defeat, Arizona whispered, "That sucks."

"It does. The trick is learning to live with that new part of yourself, to make it one small piece of who you are instead of letting it control your thoughts and reactions to everything."

"How do I do that?"

"Learn how to stay in the present. My therapist recommended counting to five, which worked for me. Slow down and concentrate on your breathing. Look at your surroundings, ground yourself in the fact that you're not in that situation anymore." Teddy gave Arizona's shoulder a careful squeeze. "Eventually it won't be so fresh. You won't get triggered as easily. Staying calm and centered will start to become second nature."

"I miss being happy." Feeling a little ridiculous, Arizona broke eye contact. "I know that sounds silly, but I do. I miss being the perky one everyone rolls their eyes at. I miss feeling _good_."

"It'll come back. You're a happy person, Arizona. That's who you are at the core. You'll never be exactly the same woman you were before this happened, but those fundamental things that make you Dr. Arizona Robbins? You haven't lost that stuff. It's not gone forever. I promise."

Arizona's lower lip trembled. She hadn't wanted to cry tonight, but she didn't know how to keep it together when Teddy's warm reassurance was everything she wanted to believe. "I hope so."

Teddy opened her arms. "Come here."

Arizona fell into Teddy's embrace, greedy for the connection. It grounded her, making it easier to keep her emotions in check. "I swear I'm not usually such a wreck."

"No excuses necessary," Teddy said, stroking her back. "Besides, I needed a hug too."

Smiling gratefully, Arizona squeezed Teddy around the middle. She felt so different than Callie, more angular, less curvy. "You're an awesome friend."

"I try." Teddy drew back and smiled shyly. She opened her mouth to speak, but a knock at the door cut her off. "Pizza's here."

Arizona waited on the couch while Teddy went to the door to pay the delivery guy. When Teddy returned with a fragrant cardboard box, Arizona's stomach growled. Maybe she was hungry after all.

"How much do I owe you?" Arizona said as Teddy sat down and flipped open the lid. She leaned forward and inhaled deeply. "I didn't think I wanted dinner, but that smells great."

"You buy the next one," Teddy said. "Deal?"

"Deal."

They ate in silence for a few minutes. Arizona was surprised by how delicious the pizza tasted, and couldn't help but moan quietly as she chewed. Life had been seriously lacking in pleasure lately, so Arizona met it with enthusiasm.

Teddy laughed, raising an eyebrow. "See? Not all your happiness is gone."

"This is excellent." Arizona's face grew warm. "I haven't been eating much. I'm trying, believe me, but food just hasn't tasted very good. With the exception of the red pepper hummus Calliope keeps bringing me."

Teddy smiled. "Do you realize that your face lights up every time you talk about her?"

"Yeah, well." Shrugging, Arizona admitted, "Yeah. It's sickening, I'm sure."

"It's inspiring."

Arizona swallowed her last bite of pizza and sat back, not sure she wanted another slice. As good as it tasted, she should probably take it easy. After barely eating for the past two weeks, it wouldn't be difficult to overdo it. "I miss her so much."

"I'm sorry I took you away from her tonight—"

Arizona shook her head. "No, I mean…physically. I miss her." She met Teddy's gaze, uncertain about even broaching this subject. "Sexually."

"Oh." Teddy nodded, polishing off her second slice. The woman could pack away food like nobody's business. Not that her body showed it. "I get it. You miss that connection. That intimacy."

"Not to mention orgasms." Surprised by the wave of embarrassment that rolled over her at the confession, Arizona mourned the loss of her easy, open sexuality. "When will that part come back? Wanting sex?"

Teddy exhaled and reclined against the cushions. "I honestly don't know, Arizona. Whenever you're ready. I didn't have sex for two years after my rape. But I didn't have a boyfriend, and I wasn't interested in finding one for a long time. Not necessarily just because of what happened. I was so busy with school. I kind of threw myself into coursework and ignored my social life until I happened to meet a guy who made me realize I wanted to try a physical relationship again. But you're in a different situation with Callie."

"I'm sure she misses me, too." Arizona managed a bashful smile. "We've always had a _lot_ of sex."

Chuckling, Teddy said, "I could tell."

"Really?"

"Are you kidding? You two are electric together. Mark Sloan can hardly control himself sometimes, watching the two of you interact."

Face hot, Arizona said, "I've always been a sexual person. Especially with Callie. But now…" She shrugged weakly. "I don't know how it'll be. I couldn't get through being spooned without flashing back to that man behind me. What will it be like when she…goes inside me?" Covering her face with her hand, Arizona shook her head. "God, I was never shy about this stuff before."

"There's no need to be shy." Teddy pulled Arizona's hand away from her face and met her eyes with a good-natured smile. "Don't start with the big stuff. The beautiful thing about being with a woman, I'm guessing, is that you've got lots of options as far as making love goes. Do what feels comfortable. Work up to the rest."

It made sense, and she was sure Callie would be willing to follow her lead. But was she crazy for thinking about this already? "I've barely healed, I'm so turned upside-down that I don't know if I'm coming or going, and I won't even get back the results of the final HIV test for another month, so I know I'm probably jumping the gun even worrying about sex right now. I just…I hate knowing that man was the last person inside of me. I want Calliope to make me remember something else."

"Just don't push yourself, okay? It'll be traumatic for both of you if you try to do something you're not ready to do." Teddy was a trooper. Arizona had always read her as being a bit shy when talking about sex, but she projected a quiet confidence that put Arizona at ease. "The trick is to talk a lot. Keep your eyes open and focus on who you're with. And if you don't like something, don't be afraid to communicate."

Arizona nodded. "I hear you."

"It'll be great." Teddy waggled her eyebrows, playful in a way Arizona had never seen before. "And safe, and healing."

"Anyway." Arizona smiled, picking at her fingernails. "I probably do need to work on the small stuff first. Like having my hair touched."

Teddy clapped her hands together. "That's a perfect place to start. Consider it your first assignment."

"Are you my counselor now?" Arizona kept her tone light, so Teddy would know she wasn't entirely displeased with the thought.

"I'm someone who's invested in your recovery. Someone who knows a little of what you're going through." Easing into a self-deprecating smile, Teddy said, "If I can get past the devastation I felt after it happened, you can, too. Trust me. You're way stronger than I am." Teddy tilted her head and met Arizona's gaze fondly. "Honestly, Arizona, you're probably the strongest woman I've ever known. Look at what you do for a living. You fix kids. Yet nobody can fix them all, and sometimes you lose them, but you have this way of always looking ahead to the next one who needs you while keeping a genuine smile on your face. You're…amazing, really."

Arizona's cheeks were on fire. "Now you're making me blush."

"Please don't." Teddy waved an apologetic hand. "I just want you to know that I _know_ you'll get through this. You're too bad-ass not to."

"Really?" Arizona grinned. She had always considered Callie to be the bad-ass in their relationship, but was tickled by the idea that maybe she was, too. "I always wanted to be bad-ass."

"You've always _been_ bad-ass. And you're still bad-ass. Use it to your advantage."

"I will." Spirits thoroughly raised, Arizona exhaled in relief. "This is nice. Hanging out. We need to do it again, soon."

Teddy lit up suddenly. "Hey, you like to run?"

"Like, for leisure?" Arizona pulled a silly face, knowing it would make Teddy laugh, delighted when it did. "Or because something is chasing me?"

"For exercise."

"I…might. Do I get a doughnut afterwards?"

"If you don't mind canceling out all that effort."

Arizona tipped her head. "That's acceptable to me."

"Exercise also helps with recovery," Teddy said. "I started running in college, afterwards. And when I was in the military, I loved going on runs. It cleared my mind. Got my endorphins pumping. Made me less stressed out when I was done." She bounced up and down on the couch slightly, conveying excitement in a way Arizona immediately understood. "You should come running with me. We can go in the morning before work. Or at lunch, if you don't mind showering at the hospital. Or after work. Whenever you want."

Raising a suspicious eyebrow at Teddy's enthusiasm, Arizona said, "Have you been looking for a new running partner?"

"Owen and I used to run together. But not since…well, you know." Teddy blushed. "I don't think Cristina likes it. Not that I blame her one bit."

"So I'm an Owen replacement?" Arizona winked, not wanting Teddy to think she was actually upset about the idea. Tonight Teddy had given her a place where she felt safe, and more like herself than she had in a long time. The least she could do was give Teddy some companionship in return. "I don't know how awesome I'll be about running, but I'll try. Especially if you think it'll help."

Teddy's excitement boiled over into the most unabashed grin Arizona had ever seen on her friend. Usually reserved, Teddy was absolutely glowing. "It'll help. And I 'd love the company."

Since drifting apart from Owen, Teddy had seemed disconnected from almost everyone, which was one reason Arizona had been so eager to draw her into the fold. Now more than ever Arizona realized what a treasured friend she had become. "You promise to slow down if I can't keep up?"

"Yes. I even promise to buy your first doughnut."

"Then I accept." Still smiling, Arizona realized that she was as relaxed as she had been since the attack. "Thank you for tonight, Teddy. This really did help."

"Good." Teddy held her gaze. "Anytime, okay?"

"I'll hold you to that."

#

An hour later, close to midnight, Arizona said goodnight to Teddy at her door and crept inside her apartment. True to her word, Callie had left the kitchen light on, illuminating a path to their bedroom that Arizona followed after locking up. She opened the door to her room as quietly as she could, not that Callie was anything resembling a light sleeper. Still, she didn't want to risk interrupting Callie's rest when she knew how badly she needed it.

Arizona smiled at the welcome sight of Callie stretched unselfconsciously across the mattress, face slack in sleep. The lamp on Arizona's nightstand was lit, casting Callie in a warm glow that filled Arizona's heart with affection.

Unbuttoning her pants as she crossed the room to stand next to the bed, Arizona swept her gaze over Callie's body and admired the tan skin on display. No doubt due to typical tossing and turning, Callie's camisole had ridden up so that the bottoms of her bare breasts and the gentle swell of her stomach were exposed. The comforter had been kicked carelessly to the foot of the bed, revealing Callie's luscious ass encased in a pair of delicious cotton boyshorts that accentuated her womanly shape.

A sharp pang of lust rocked Arizona hard, forcing her to sit down on the edge of the mattress to catch her breath. The intensity of her sudden desire shook her, but almost immediately surprise segued into relief. She wasn't sure if it was talking about sex or simply feeling so comfortable all evening long, or even if she should chalk it up to the lingering effects of her two glasses of wine, but one thing was certain: Arizona was unmistakably, unbelievably aroused.

This was something she most definitely hadn't felt, at least not to this degree, since the attack. Physically, she had finally started to heal so the pain no longer held her back from wanting Callie. But emotionally, she felt so far from being ready for sexual intimacy that even having the craving threw her. At the same time, Arizona was thrilled that she still desired sex at all.

Arizona craned her neck, admiring the faint outline of Callie's pussy through her panties. There was nothing about wanting Callie this way that felt threatening. At least not as long as Callie couldn't touch her back. Shedding her bra and socks, Arizona slipped into bed beside Callie, eager to feel the heat of Callie's body against her own.

Callie murmured contentedly as Arizona pulled up the comforter to cover their bodies. Still asleep, she shifted backwards as though seeking out Arizona's warmth, pushing her bottom against Arizona's abdomen in a way that made it very hard to ignore her still-thrumming desire. The need to touch only intensified now that Callie's scent filled her nose. Wrapping her arm around Callie's middle, Arizona pressed the flat of her hand against her bare stomach and closed her eyes, exhaling shakily.

"Did you have a good time with Teddy?" Callie's voice was rough with sleep.

Smiling, Arizona kissed the back of Callie's neck. "I didn't mean to wake you."

"No, I'm glad. I wanted to tell you good night."

Arizona traced her fingertips around Callie's navel. "I had a great time with Teddy. We talked. It was…nice."

"Good." Callie half-rolled over, and gave Arizona a soft kiss on the cheek. "I missed you."

"I miss you, too," Arizona whispered. Unable to help herself, she stroked her hand over Callie's side, admiring the full curve of her hip. Callie sucked in an audible breath, but didn't exhale. "Breathe, Calliope."

After long moments Callie obeyed. "I guess you did have a good night, huh?"

"I did." Settling against Callie's back, Arizona closed her eyes. For the first time in two weeks, darkness didn't bring fear or flashes of violent memory. At that moment, she was too consumed by her overwhelming love for Callie to spare a thought for the man who had thrown the rest of her life into chaos.

This was what mattered. The two of them. With Callie, Arizona could get through anything. Callie believed it, and Teddy believed it, and for the first time, Arizona kind of believed it, too.

Arizona thought back to Teddy's assignment. Start small. Baby steps. If she could get comfortable having Callie touch her hair, Arizona would be that much closer to reconnecting with her in a way she sensed could provide more healing than anything else in the world.

"Good night, Arizona. Sweet dreams, okay?"

"I love you," Arizona mumbled against Callie's shoulder.

"Love you, too." From the slight slurring of Callie's heartfelt words, Arizona knew she was losing Callie to sleep once again.

But that was okay. As she cradled Callie in her arms, Arizona focused on thinking positive thoughts, determined to keep the nightmares at bay. _Start small_.

That's exactly what she would do.

_To be continued…_

 


	8. Chapter 8

This story deals with the topic of **rape and recovery**. I am rating it a hard M for graphic depictions of rape, violence, and, eventually, consensual sex.

I would never write about rape frivolously, nor to titillate. There's a lot of fan fiction out there that deals with sexual assault in all manner of ways, many of them distasteful. The last thing I want to do is add to the litany of "rapefic" that traumatizes beloved characters for the sake of creating a juicy story.

At the same time, rape and sexual assault is a reality. As such, I believe it is a legitimate subject for fiction, especially when the focus is not so much on the physical act but on the psychological repercussions, the aftershocks such an event can unleash in a survivor's life.

If the frank depiction of rape and the pain of recovery (physical, emotional, and sexual) is likely to trigger or otherwise upset you, I would honestly give this story a pass. I don't plan on pulling any punches. I do plan on handling this the most respectful way I know how.

  

**CHAPTER EIGHT**

Arizona walked into her apartment on rubbery legs, running a hand through her sweat-dampened hair with a half-grin on her face. Who would have ever thought she would go running? And survive? While Teddy had been gracious enough to intersperse their hour-long journey with healthy bouts of walking, Arizona was still impressed with herself. She had exceeded her own expectations.

Already sore, Arizona sensed that she might have jumped the gun as far as being active so soon after the attack, but this was a good ache. A healthy ache. So she welcomed the burn, especially because it seemed to obliterate much of the anxiety she had felt over the past two weeks. Teddy was right about endorphins. This was as mellow as she had felt in a while.

"I'm back," Arizona shouted from the foyer, kicking off her shoes then stripping her socks from her feet. "And I'm sweaty."

"I love me some sweaty Arizona," came Callie's reply from deeper inside the apartment.

Smiling, Arizona strolled into the living room to find Callie reclining on the couch with a thick book. This was one of Callie's best-kept secrets: the woman was a reader. Not medical journals or magazines, either. Mystery novels. Thrillers. Even the occasional romance. Though she rarely had time to indulge in what Arizona knew Callie considered a guilty pleasure, whenever the opportunity arose Callie grabbed on with both hands. As far as Arizona was concerned, there was something very sexy about a bookworm.

"Ten minutes ago I was doubled-over, gasping-for-air Arizona." Hands on her hips, Arizona stood still and pretended not to notice the way Callie's gaze lingered on her chest. "Not nearly as appealing."

"Teddy gave you a run for your money?" Callie cracked a goofy smile at her own joke. "So to speak."

Arizona rolled her eyes and kissed the crown of Callie's head. "She tried to take it easy on me, believe it or not."

"Feel good?"

"Actually, yeah. Really good."

Callie grinned. "That's _super_."

Arizona gave Callie a gentle poke in the ribs. Super was a word Callie never used unless she wanted to tease Arizona. Thrilled that they were finally at a point where teasing felt possible, Arizona couldn't help kissing Callie again. On the cheek this time. "Yes, it is."

Callie wrinkled her nose. "Yeah, you're definitely sweaty."

Laughing, Arizona pulled away. "Hint taken. I'll hit the shower."

"Probably best."

Arizona stuck out her tongue, then spotted her cell phone on the coffee table. She'd left it at home during her run, turned off so it wouldn't disturb Callie. Normally she was reachable every moment of every day, but for once she had wanted an hour with no outside interruptions, no reminders of the real world.

And she knew that if anyone had really needed her, they would call Callie. Who would call Teddy. Even so, the illusion of a break had been nice.

Powering on the phone, Arizona saw that she had a new voicemail. Hopefully she wasn't being called in to the hospital. She desperately wanted to finish out her Saturday relaxing on the couch with Callie. Maybe even cuddling a little.

Arizona's heart leapt into her throat when the message began playing and she heard Detective Mendoza's voice. " _This message is for Arizona Robbins. This is Detective Janis Mendoza with the Seattle PD calling to let you know that we got back the results of the DNA test on the semen sample provided to us by the hospital. Unfortunately, we were unable to find a match against the state or national database. That means we're essentially still at square one with our investigation. I know this can't be the news you wanted to hear and I'm sorry for that. Please know that your case remains a priority and if anything else comes up, I'll let you know immediately. In the meantime, feel free to give me a call if you have any questions. Or if you remember anything else that might help. Have a good weekend. Bye."_

Numb, Arizona hung up the phone. In the space of a minute, her mood had gone from balls-out joy to cold emptiness. Not sure how she felt about the news, all she knew for certain was that it wasn't good. Arizona startled when Callie walked to stand in front of her, then jerked away when a tentative hand touched her arm.

Callie drew back quickly. "What's wrong?"

It took effort to make her mouth work. "That was Detective Mendoza. The DNA results came back, but they weren't able to make a match." Arizona shrugged. "So I guess we just wait for him to rape another woman. Maybe she'll be able to give a better description."

Callie's jaw tensed. "It's not your fault, Arizona. He attacked you from behind."

There was nothing Callie could say to make her feel better. Right now she just wanted to be alone. To decide what she was feeling. Shaking her head, Arizona said, "I'm going to take that shower now."

"Hey," Callie murmured. "Are you okay?"

The past week had proven that letting Callie in helped, but right now Arizona had nothing to say. "I don't know how I'm feeling yet. I just want to go get clean and be alone for a few minutes."

"Okay." Callie stepped back, but didn't break eye contact. "I'll be out here if you want to talk."

"Maybe we can watch a movie or something after I'm done."

Callie gave her a careful smile. "That would be nice."

The old Arizona probably would have invited Callie to join her in the shower. New Arizona felt far too vulnerable to be naked with Callie right now. All she wanted to do was retreat into solitude and lick her wounds. "I'll be back in a few minutes."

"Take your time."

Arizona walked into the bathroom stone-faced. She shut the door, then turned on the shower, mind almost blank as she tried to take everything in. Nothing had changed, really. Before five minutes ago, she didn't know the man who had changed her forever. She still didn't. So why did it feel like the world was crumbling around her?

Stripping off her clothes, Arizona stepped into the shower, exhaling when the hot spray pounded against her loose muscles. She wished she could recapture the balance and contentedness she had felt only minutes ago, but it was gone. As the numbness faded, a riot of conflicting emotions battled for dominance.

On the one hand she was frightened. Her rapist was still out there, maybe even trolling for his next victim. The chances of him hurting her again were slim, but knowing that he was on the streets made Arizona feel fundamentally unsafe. Anxious. She realized that there was a part of her that had really counted on the idea that the DNA test might lead to his capture, something that almost certainly would have eased her mind.

Then there was frustration. Because she hadn't been able to provide a detailed description to the cops, DNA had been their only real hope of making an arrest. No match meant that he wasn't in the system, but it certainly didn't mean he wouldn't rape again. Arizona remembered his anger, the sick pleasure in his voice as he touched her, and had no doubt that he had gotten off on her fear and pain. A man like that doesn't simply change. Especially if he thinks he's gotten away with his crime.

Another woman could be hurt. Just like her. If Arizona had gotten a better look at him, if only she had focused on making out his features for those brief moments he had her on her back, maybe she could've given the police something real to go on. Now he would almost certainly need to attack another woman for them to have any chance of catching him. The thought made Arizona want to vomit.

So there was intense, crippling guilt.

Beneath all that, Arizona felt something else—a niggling of relief. Perhaps this meant she wouldn't have to endure a trial. A trial would mean testifying, retelling her story to a room full of strangers. If the police did catch the man, she knew she would have to do it. Not just for herself, but for all the women he could hurt if he wasn't locked up. But if the police didn't catch him, that was just one more violation she wouldn't have to suffer. One more challenge she wouldn't have to face.

Arizona lifted a shaking hand and wiped it across her face, hot tears mingling with hotter water. She concentrated on crying quietly, not wanting Callie to overhear. She knew her body simply needed a way to release all the feelings roiling around inside, and for once she didn't beat herself up for her lapse. Deciding that she would give herself a good minute to cry, Arizona pressed her palms flat against the shower wall and bent her head, dissolving into silent sobs.

It was entirely possible that her rapist would walk away from this experience unscathed. Just go on with his life, no worse for wear. Meanwhile Arizona had been shattered, and every day was a struggle to keep moving forward. To regain what she had lost, to find herself again.

That fucking _bastard_.

There was nothing fair about this. He was the one who had committed a crime, and Arizona was paying the price. Physically, mentally, emotionally. Sexually. Arizona couldn't escape the repercussions of that man's actions, while he very well would never suffer any consequences at all.

Arizona straightened, forcing her tears back. Rubbing her face vigorously with both hands, she grabbed a bottle of body wash and squirted a generous glob onto her fingertips. She worked up a foamy lather then ran her hands over her body—arms, chest, stomach. Arizona hesitated a moment, struggling with the simple task of cleaning between her legs. Since the rape she hadn't really touched herself there, afraid of the pain she might feel if she did. It wasn't fear of physical discomfort as much as a sense that psychologically, exploring the place where the most violent, invasive injuries had occurred was just too much for her to handle.

It was like her pussy no longer belonged to her. Something that had brought her so much pleasure in the past now seemed inextricably linked to the worst, most humiliating moment of her life. He had left his mark on her, even after the bruises faded and the cuts healed. Nobody could see it, but that didn't mean it wasn't there. And it closed her body off to everyone, including herself.

An unexpected jolt of anger surged through Arizona. It _wasn't_ fair. More than that, it wasn't right. If that man could potentially walk away from this unscathed, why couldn't she?

Arizona took a deep breath and slid her hand down her abdomen, coming to a stop when the tips of her fingers brushed against the top of her trimmed curls. She had a choice here. Reclaim her body or give it over to him. To the fear and shame.

Old Arizona had loved her life. Her career, Callie, her sunny outlook and passion for new experiences. She had dreamed of traveling. Silly things like kittens could brighten her entire day. She went dancing with friends. But what she loved most was staying in with Callie, spending hours enjoying each other's bodies. Since the rape, none of those things were true anymore. But she wanted them to be. She wanted the old Arizona back.

If that man got to walk away from this, so would she. She could never change what happened, it would always be a part of her, but she could damn well demand her life back. The fire Teddy helped light flared into determined intensity.

Arizona wouldn't let him win. She couldn't.

Sliding her hand between her legs, Arizona touched herself tenderly. Almost surprised that the soft folds felt so familiar, she gradually relaxed when the contact elicited no pain. She set her feet apart on the shower floor and traced her fingertips over her labia. The stitches had likely started to dissolve by now, and it no longer hurt to walk or urinate. She certainly wasn't ready for any kind of penetration, but the gentle touch of her own fingers was wholly tolerable.

Funny how something so simple felt so much like victory. Arizona washed herself slowly, taking the time to reacquaint her mind with her body. Since the rape there had been an almost total disconnect. Before, she had loved her body. Had touched it often for pleasure. Had encouraged Callie to touch it whenever and however she wanted. That feeling of truly owning her body and her sexuality had always made Arizona confident and in control of her pleasure. This was the first step in finding her way back to a place where that man didn't have a grip on her.

After a couple minutes of calm exploration, Arizona grabbed a bottle of shampoo and washed her hair. She was ready to get out and go back to Callie, strangely energized by the conclusion of her processing. That man didn't get to break her. He just didn't.

When she stepped out of the shower, Arizona toweled off, resisting the urge to turn away from the full-length mirror that hung on the back of the bathroom door. She had been willfully avoiding the sight of her nakedness since the night of the attack. No longer. Dropping the towel, Arizona took in the sight of her nude body. Determined to stay in control of her reactions, she concentrated on taking slow, even breaths as she stared at her reflection.

It was hard to look at her bare breasts without remembering the grasping, squeezing pain of his hands all over them. Or the bruises his fingers had left, which had only just faded away. But these were the same breasts she had always considered her greatest physical assets, the breasts Callie hadn't been able to leave alone the first time they made love. She could associate them with so much pleasure, and only one instance of pain. Straightening her back, Arizona ran her hand along the curve of one, then the other. This was _her_ body.

Arizona dropped her gaze to the smooth plane of her stomach, the trimmed patch of hair between her thighs. She was going to fight through this. She accepted that it wouldn't come instantly or easily, but it would definitely happen.

Any other outcome meant letting him win.

During her run, Arizona had thought more about how to start small. Now she had an idea, and she was certain that there was no better time to put it into action. Grabbing a brush and a couple hair ties, Arizona wrapped herself in a towel and went in search of something to wear, nervous but excited about the prospect of really starting to heal.

#

Callie sat on the couch staring sightlessly at her book, trying not to be obvious about the fact that her attention was glued to the bathroom door. She had given up reading twenty minutes ago, almost immediately after picking up her book. She knew Arizona was probably upset, that she was hurting all alone in the shower, and even though Callie was determined to give her space, that didn't mean she wasn't going to worry about her every second they were apart.

When she heard the sound of the bathroom door opening, Callie glanced up and saw Arizona tiptoe out wrapped only in a towel. Not wanting to get caught looking, Callie dropped her gaze quickly. She didn't move again until she heard Arizona slip into the bedroom and close the door behind her. Callie exhaled, shifting all her focus to the bedroom door. All she could do was wait—and hope that Arizona really intended to rejoin her on the couch for a movie.

Though she had spent most of the past twenty minutes worrying about Arizona, Callie had also taken some time to feel her own emotion about Detective Mendoza's voice mail. It was very simple. She was angry. Pissed off. Enraged. Not only did no DNA match mean that Arizona's rapist was free to enjoy his life and quite possibly rape more women, but it also put Arizona in a position where she blamed herself for not being able to better describe the man who had hurt her.

Callie couldn't imagine how difficult it would have been to get a clear look at a man who repeatedly punched you in the head, in the dark, before pushing your face in the grass and violating you from behind. That Arizona had even noticed details like his race and the fact that he had a full head of hair was remarkable. Callie didn't know what she would have been able to glean if she’d feared for her life like that.

Thinking about what Arizona had lived through only fueled Callie's rage. If that man got to walk away scot free after doing what he had done, then Callie's faith was shaken—her faith in justice, in what was fair and right, even her faith in God.

The bedroom door opened and Arizona stepped out into the hallway, showing more skin than Callie had seen in weeks. Callie inhaled sharply, surprised by Arizona's choice of outfit. Since the attack Arizona had been lounging in T-shirts and pajama bottoms, body covered at all times. Now she wore a tank top and girly pink boxer shorts that revealed the toned length of her bare legs. Struggling to act normal, Callie plastered on as calm a smile as she could muster.

"Hey." Callie's voice came out high-pitched, anything but calm.

"Hey." Smiling shyly, Arizona walked to the couch and plopped down beside Callie with a quiet sigh. "Not sweaty anymore."

"Oh." Callie wasn't sure how to respond. Everything that came to mind seemed either too flirty or just plain dumb. "Good."

"I'm okay, Calliope. Really." Arizona smiled, closing the distance between them to give Callie a soft kiss on the lips. "The shower helped."

Worried that she was simply reverting back to playing the 'I'm fine' game, Callie pulled back and searched Arizona's face. "You sure?"

Arizona nodded. There was a fire in her eyes that Callie hadn't seen in what felt like forever. "I'm positive. I've decided not to let that bastard win."

"It's okay to be upset about that voicemail," Callie said tentatively. Though Arizona seemed to be handling Detective Mendoza's news better than Callie had expected, she wanted to be cautious with her words. To give Arizona permission to vent, to work through the same anger and frustration Callie was feeling. "It's upsetting."

"It is. You're right." A shadow passed over Arizona's face before Callie watched her willfully shake it off. "I don't like the idea that he could get away with this. What I like even less is thinking that he might do it to someone else. But those are things I can't control. What I _can_ do is make sure I get to walk away from this too. Intact."

Callie blinked, encouraged by the strength and honesty in Arizona's voice. Lifted by her obvious determination. At once her own anger dissipated, replaced by a very real sense of pride. "You're amazing," Callie said softly. "You know that?"

Arizona smiled, cheeks going rosy. "Shut up."

"No, you are." Between her fierce new attitude and relative lack of clothing, it took all of Callie's willpower not to give Arizona a kiss that would go well beyond the tentative pecks they had shared over the past two weeks. "I hope it doesn't sound condescending to say that I'm proud of you."

"Not at all." Arizona grinned. "I'm kind of proud of me, too."

"Good." Callie sat back, returning Arizona's smile. "Want to pick out a movie?"

"Actually, I thought maybe we could do something else."

Curious about what Arizona had in mind, Callie raised an eyebrow. "Okay. Whatever you want."

Arizona held up a hairbrush and two hair ties. "Would you braid my hair?"

Callie swallowed, shocked that her throat could get so dry, so quickly. Her thoughts jumbled together, making it hard for her to know how to react. Arizona looked so pretty in braids, and the idea of seeing her wear them again set Callie's heart racing in anticipation. But braiding her hair meant _touching_ her hair, even tugging on it. That was number one on Arizona's trigger list, as far as Callie was concerned. For the past week she had been careful to the point of paranoid not to touch Arizona's hair. Certainly not to pull it.

Callie realized that Arizona was rubbing her arm, blue eyes full of compassion. "Don't panic, Calliope. I know what I'm asking you to do. Teddy said I should start small. Eventually we'll want to make love again. Braiding my hair is starting small."

If Callie thought it was difficult to breathe before, now it felt near impossible. She couldn't believe Arizona had just mentioned sex. It was so soon. Too soon.

"Relax, darling." Arizona squeezed Callie's arm gently. “Trust me. I can't promise I won't get frightened, but I can promise to communicate. If it's too much, I will tell you. We'll work through it together."

Nodding, Callie tried to remember what Addison had said about what she should do to help Arizona stay in the moment. Talk to her. Communicate. Callie reigned in her anxiety, exhaling slowly. It was up to her to help Arizona through this, not the other way around. She couldn't let her fear of scaring Arizona stop her from doing whatever she asked. Not when she was clearly determined to face one of her triggers head on.

"I can do that." Callie mustered what she hoped was a soothing smile. "I'd be happy to do that."

"Good." Arizona handed Callie the brush and hair ties, then gave her a smile of nervous anticipation. "Just talk to me, okay? Keep me here with you."

"I will." Callie tried to sound more confident than she felt. "You're adorable in braids. I'm excited to see them again."

"Me too." Taking a deep breath, Arizona turned and presented Callie with her back. She glanced over her shoulder, met Callie's eyes, then faced away again. "My mom used to braid my hair all the time when I was a little girl. I loved it."

Callie couldn't help but smile at the thought of tiny, braided Arizona. "I'm not sure I can fathom that level of cuteness. Got any pictures?"

"I might." Arizona's smile came through in her voice. "Ask nicely and I may share."

Glancing at the hairbrush for a moment, Callie lifted her hand then hesitated. "I'm going to brush your hair out, okay?"

Arizona nodded. "Thanks for the warning."

As Callie touched the brush to Arizona's hair, words began to bubble up from her throat. She knew she had to keep talking, so she winged it. "My mom used to braid my hair, too. But I hated it. Not because I didn't like braids. I just hated sitting still for so long. It used to feel like she took _forever_."

Giggling, Arizona said, "I can only imagine fidgety little Calliope. You probably gave your mom hell, didn't you?"

"I did. But no matter what I pulled with my parents, I was always their little princess." Callie ran the brush through Arizona's hair gently, wincing when she got caught on a small tangle. "Sorry."

Arizona exhaled. "It's okay." Callie watched her hands tighten into fists, then relax. "I loved having my hair braided because it was the only real 'girl time' I had with my mother. Not that I was a very girly girl, because I wasn't. I spent most of my time running around outside with Danny, climbing trees and collecting bugs."

Callie wrinkled her nose. "Bugs? Gross."

"Whatever. Bugs are cool." Arizona paused a moment, then amended, "Except spiders. Spiders aren't very cool."

"Agreed." Callie pulled the hairbrush away, biting her lip as she thought through what came next. "So I'm going to start a braid now." Slowly, she touched Arizona's left arm. "On this side. Okay?"

"Okay." Arizona half-turned her head, almost as though she was going to look over her shoulder again. Then she faced forward with a shaky exhalation. "I'm doing all right."

"You're kind of facing two things at once here," Callie said quietly. "Hair, and having someone behind you."

"I know you won't hurt me."

"You're right." Callie placed her hand on Arizona's left shoulder, felt her tense slightly, then moved it up so she could gather a thick section of blond hair. "When I was a little girl, I used to think about the person I was going to marry. I always assumed he would be a man, of course. But when I thought about this person, it was never about gender. It was about all the things I wanted this person to be."

"Like what?" Arizona's voice was slightly breathless, but because she wasn't asking her to stop, Callie kept working.

"Like strong. Brave. And funny. I definitely needed someone funny." Callie smiled as Arizona's shoulders relaxed and she leaned back slightly as though wanting to get closer. Twisting Arizona's hair into a loose braid, Callie took a moment to remember the ideal husband she had used to fantasize about finding. "This person would make me feel beautiful simply by looking at me. I would feel warm and safe and loved all the time, just knowing that they were in my life."

"He sounds nice." Arizona's humor came through in her light tone, easing Callie's mind. Whatever she had been working through moments ago seemed to have passed. "And if I ever meet him, I'll kick his ass if he even looks at you sideways."

Callie nearly tugged on Arizona's hair in playful response, something she used to do all the time. Stopping herself just short of a major faux pas, Callie snickered instead. "He's you. You're everything I always wanted. Plus a whole bunch of stuff I never even knew I needed."

"Stuff like perky?"

"Exactly like perky." Callie chuckled and moved on to the other side of Arizona's head without warning her first. She was pleased when Arizona didn't react at all to the sudden change in position. "I couldn't have even imagined someone like you when I was dreaming about this perfect soulmate. Yet I found her anyway."

Arizona ducked her head slightly, but Callie sensed it wasn't because she was uncomfortable. Knowing Arizona well, she imagined that her partner was fighting with a pleased grin. "I just wanted to find a girl with big boobs."

Callie sputtered shocked laughter. "What? Seriously?"

"I _really_ liked boobs."

"Nice," Callie said. Shaking her head, she giggled at Arizona's unexpected confession. "Well, how do I stack up?"

"They're incredible." Arizona reached a hand back and curled her fingers around Callie's foot, giving her a tender squeeze. "But you're more than just boobs to me, Calliope."

Callie dissolved into helpless laughter. All the emotion of the past couple weeks sort of boiled over into hysterical amusement at the turn their conversation had taken. That was quite honestly the last thing she had expected to hear from Arizona today. "I hope so."

"Your ass is just as spectacular." Arizona hesitated a moment, clearly waiting for Callie's fresh peal of laughter to die down. "So are your big brown eyes. And your smile. Your heart. The way you love me. The way you make me feel—about myself, about my future. About life in general."

Sober now, Callie finished Arizona's second braid and tied it off. Then she put her hand on Arizona's shoulder. "All done," she whispered.

"Yeah?" Arizona turned to face Callie, giving her a bright smile that reminded Callie so much of the first time they met that it made her chest ache. "How do they look?"

"Gorgeous." Callie bit her lip, and touched Arizona's cheek with the palm of her hand. "I love you so much, Arizona. You did great."

"So did you." Arizona looked truly radiant in a way she just plain hadn't since the rape. "And I love you, too."

Afraid to break the spell, Callie stroked her thumb over Arizona's lower lip. "I mean it, you know. You are the best thing to have ever happened to me. Like, ever. Better than surgery."

"Stop," Arizona whispered softly. But she kissed the tip of Callie's thumb, eyes sparkling.

"No, it's true. If I had to choose between you and surgery, I would choose you. Every time."

Arizona put a hand over her heart, drawing Callie's attention to the slight hint of cleavage revealed by her tank top. "You know what? Me too."

With effort, Callie dragged her gaze back to Arizona's face. And met her knowing smile with an apologetic grin. "Guess this is for real, then. Us."

"Guess it is." Arizona scooted closer. She took Callie's free hand and laced their fingers together. "You know what I miss?"

"What?" Callie licked her lips, almost afraid of the answer. The heat in Arizona's gaze hinted at feelings Callie wasn't certain either of them were ready to deal with yet.

"Making out."

Swallowing, Callie darted her gaze from Arizona's twinkling eyes to her full mouth then back again. "Me too. But—"

Arizona brought her fingers to Callie's lips, stopping her protest. "Please?"

"Are you sure?" Callie searched Arizona's face for any hint of discomfort. She was afraid that Arizona was pushing herself too far, too fast. Hair braiding had gone well, but it hadn't been without minor speed bumps. Deep kissing took intimacy to a whole new level. "That might be…a lot."

"For you?"

Callie wanted to say _honestly, yes_ , but didn't. The last thing she wanted was for Arizona to think she didn't desire her. Because she did. Desperately. She just didn't want to do anything to frighten Arizona or erase any of the progress they had made today. "For both of us."

Arizona brought her other hand up and cradled Callie's face, staring into her eyes. "I promise to communicate with you. I won't do anything I'm not ready to do. But if I don't start kissing you right now, Calliope, I think I might explode."

The thing was, Callie knew exactly what she meant. After the intense experience of beginning to regain Arizona's trust, with this bone-deep love coursing through her body, it was taking everything Callie had not to press Arizona back against the couch and kiss the hell out of her. If Arizona didn't want to resist the growing desire between them, why force her?

"Okay," Callie said. "But you tell me if you need to stop. And let's take it nice and slow. And—"

Arizona leaned forward and captured Callie's mouth in a searing kiss. Gasping in surprise, Callie parted her lips, then groaned when Arizona eased her tongue inside. The groan turned into a whimper at Arizona's familiar taste, at the warm press of Arizona's body against her own. Callie flexed her hands at her sides, then quickly sat on them, not trusting her fingers not to go roaming over Arizona's curves.

Breaking their kiss briefly, Arizona mumbled, "This is good", and then she swept Callie away in another series of dizzying kisses.

It _was_ good. In fact, it was better than good. It was mind-blowing. Aware that things seemed to be escalating quickly, but too far gone to try and slow Arizona down, Callie fell back against the couch cushions when Arizona pushed on her chest with both hands. Before she knew it Arizona was on top of her, kissing her breathless.

Then Arizona's hand snuck under the hem of Callie's T-shirt, sliding over her stomach to cover her breast. Callie moaned into Arizona's mouth, unable to believe how good it felt to be touched. Arizona barely hesitated before slipping her fingers inside the cup of Callie's bra, stroking the bare skin of her breast until the tip hardened painfully. Seizing Callie's nipple between her fingertips, Arizona moaned quietly and twisted the turgid flesh in a way that sent a bolt of pleasure straight to Callie's clit.

Raising her hips in an unconscious search for friction, Callie brought her hands to Arizona's face and took control of the kiss without thinking. Then she moved one hand down to rest high on Arizona's chest, so that the heel just barely touched the gentle swell of one breast.

Arizona inhaled swiftly and broke their kiss. Sensing the shift in mood immediately, Callie pulled her hands away and raised them over her head so she wasn't touching Arizona at all. Clearly embarrassed, Arizona removed her hand from Callie's bra, easing out from under her T-shirt with a murmured apology.

"No, I'm sorry." Callie cursed herself for losing track of what she was doing. "Too much, too soon."

Arizona shook her head, pressing her forehead against Callie's. "I'm the one who got carried away." Her voice was thick with shame. "I wanted more than I was ready for. I didn't mean to lead you on."

"Hey." Callie tilted her head, waiting until Arizona drew back so she could look her in the eyes. "You didn't lead me on. And don't ever apologize for needing to stop. I enjoyed every second of that."

Red-faced, Arizona gave her a sheepish grin. "Me too. Except maybe the last second or two."

"What happened?" Callie sat up as Arizona eased backward to give them both a little breathing room. "Did I scare you?"

Arizona shook her head. "No. Not you. I just realized how fast we were moving and I knew…" She sighed deeply, obviously upset. "I knew I wasn't ready for more."

"It's okay, sweetheart. I don't expect you to be ready right now." Callie gave her a careful smile. "Honestly, I was shocked you wanted what you did."

One corner of Arizona's mouth lifted in a silly half-smile. "Don't ever be shocked that I want you. I _always_ want you."

"Yeah?" Amazing how hearing such simple, sweet words from Arizona made her feel so good.

"Oh, yeah." Suddenly having trouble meeting Callie's eyes, Arizona traced a nonsense pattern over her bare knee with her fingernail. "Do you…still want me?"

Knowing the answer without thinking but wanting to choose her words carefully, Callie hesitated, then said, "Oh God, baby. Yes. Always. Forever."

Arizona blinked rapidly, wiped shining eyes with a trembling hand, then met Callie's gaze with a watery grin. "Okay. Do you want to watch that movie now?"

"Absolutely."

"And I get to pick?"

Something about Arizona's tone made Callie wonder if she had made a mistake in offering. "Um…sure?"

" _Annie_."

Callie rolled her eyes. "How many times have you seen that movie, darling?"

"At least once fewer than I need to." Arizona bounced up and down a little and Callie grinned, thrilled to see her rebound so quickly from a moment that could have easily derailed her mood. Last week it probably would have. A sure sign of progress. "Come on…cute kids, great songs, Carol Burnett, and a brown, shaggy dog. That's pretty much all the ingredients you need for the greatest movie musical of all time."

Callie couldn't even pretend not to be enchanted by Arizona's excitement. "Like I said, it's your pick. Just don't try and make me sing along this time, okay?"

Arizona scoffed. "Whatever. Let's see you try and resist."

"Game on."

"Hey." Arizona's face softened as she leaned in to wrap her arms around Callie tightly. Callie brought her hands up and placed them on Arizona's back, careful to keep her touch light and non-threatening. "Thank you for today," Arizona murmured in her ear. "I know this stuff requires courage on your part, too."

Shrugging, Callie dropped a light kiss on Arizona's cheek. "Whatever it takes." She drew away but didn't break eye contact, wanting Arizona to see just how much she meant what she said. "Anything for you."

It was a promise Callie intended to keep.

_To be continued…_

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

This story deals with the topic of **rape and** **recovery.** I am rating it a hard M for graphic depictions of rape, violence, and, eventually, consensual sex.

I would never write about rape frivolously, nor to titillate. There's a lot of fan fiction out there that deals with sexual assault in all manner of ways, many of them distasteful. The last thing I want to do is add to the litany of "rapefic" that traumatizes beloved characters for the sake of creating a juicy story.

At the same time, rape and sexual assault is a reality. As such, I believe it is a legitimate subject for fiction, especially when the focus is not so much on the physical act but on the psychological repercussions, the aftershocks such an event can unleash in a survivor's life.

If the frank depiction of rape and the pain of recovery (physical, emotional, and sexual) is likely to trigger or otherwise upset you, I would honestly give this story a pass. I don't plan on pulling any punches. I do plan on handling this the most respectful way I know how.

**CHAPTER NINE**

Just over a week after the momentous Sunday afternoon that had culminated in their short-lived make-out session on the couch, Callie pretended to use a computer at the pediatric surgical nurse's station so she could watch Arizona do rounds. There were other things Callie probably should have been doing—she was way behind on charting—but she couldn't stop herself from checking in on Arizona at least a couple times a day. Surreptitiously, of course.

Today appeared to be going well. Arizona's smile lit up the whole floor, infectious in a way that would normally raise concern in a hospital environment. But Arizona spread happiness, a rare gift that had always made her uncommonly good with children. That's just who she was. Who she really seemed to be finding again. Though Callie could see a subtle difference in Arizona now, the fact that she carried with her something the Arizona of a month ago never could have imagined, she was closer to the woman she had been than ever.

And Callie was overjoyed. It wasn't that Arizona didn't still struggle—the nightmares had lessened but not stopped, she still succumbed to depression and anxiety if she let her thoughts drift, and physically they hadn't gone farther than moderately heated kissing—but for the first time, Callie could see a light at the end of the tunnel. She had no idea how long it would take them to get there, but it seemed that every day brought new progress.

"If you're trying to be subtle about watching her, it's not really working."

Callie startled at the amused voice behind her, glancing over her shoulder to give Teddy Altman an embarrassed smile. "And here I thought I was being sneaky."

Teddy laughed. "Uh, no. She doesn't mind, though. She thinks it's sweet."

"Seriously?" Face hot, Callie logged out of her email and stood. "I figured if she knew, she'd be mad at me for hovering."

"She knows it's not just for her benefit," Teddy said meaningfully. Her eyes flicked over Callie's shoulder and Callie turned to see Arizona striding down the hallway with two interns in tow.

Arizona caught Callie's gaze and smiled widely. Then she entered a patient's room, disappearing from sight and leaving Callie's heart fluttering from the impact of that single, shared look. Exhaling shakily, Callie put a hand on the counter and suppressed the grin that fought to take over her face.

"Wow," Teddy said quietly. "I think _I_ might need a cigarette after that."

Callie laughed, but sobered quickly. The truth was, she was desperate for Arizona. As they slowly reintroduced intimacy into their relationship, Callie found that rather than feel sated, she craved more. Not just sex, though she experienced that desire keenly. She wanted all of Arizona, access to her innermost thoughts and feelings, the warmth of her bare skin, the sound of her laughter. Every day Arizona was able to give more and more, and every day, Callie struggled to be patient. Pressuring Arizona for something she wasn't ready to offer was Callie's biggest fear, but that didn't mean it didn't sometimes take a concerted effort to let Arizona set the pace.

The ferocity of Callie's need frightened her because she knew how easily it could frighten Arizona. That’s why she kept it tightly bottled up where it couldn't hurt either of them.

"She's doing really well, isn't she?" Callie said, searching Teddy's face. She knew Arizona confided in Teddy and most likely told her things she couldn't say to Callie. Though she would never betray Arizona's confidence by asking Teddy what they talked about, she was eager for an objective opinion. "She seems so much better."

"She is. She does." Teddy closed the distance between them, keeping her voice low enough that none of the nurses or interns bustling around could hear. "I think she turned a corner last week. Not that she doesn't still have plenty of healing to do, but…" She smiled. "She's really determined to work through this."

Callie nodded. Not only was Arizona determined, she was allowing herself to feel. To have moments of weakness, to lean on others for support. And that had only made her stronger. The phone call from Detective Mendoza had certainly been the catalyst for much of the change, but Callie knew it had really started earlier, and Teddy had a lot to do with it. Hesitating only a moment, she put an awkward hand on Teddy's arm and squeezed gently. "Thank you."

Teddy raised an eyebrow. "I'm pretty sure Arizona deserves all the credit."

"Not all of it." Callie squeezed again then drew back. "You're a good friend."

Blushing, Teddy dropped her gaze to the counter. "So is she."

Callie's attention drifted back to the room where Arizona had disappeared just as she and both interns emerged. They walked to the next room and disappeared again. "I miss her wheels."

"Excuse me?"

"You know, her Heelys." Callie met Teddy's gaze. "She hasn't used them yet."

"It'll come." Teddy smirked. "She loves those things too much to stay away forever."

"I hope so." Callie shook her head. How could she miss seeing Arizona skating around in those things, knowing how easily she could fall and break a bone? But she did. She would give anything to see Arizona roll down the hallway right now.

"You know, you deserve a lot of credit, too."

Callie glanced back at Teddy then dropped her gaze, embarrassed. "Well, I'm trying."

"From what Arizona has told me, you've been amazing. She's lucky to have you."

"We're lucky to have each other." Callie winced at hearing words come from her mouth that, no matter how true they were, felt so uncharacteristic to say aloud. "God, maybe Mark is right. That was a little sickening, wasn't it?"

Teddy laughed. "You guys are too adorable for words."

"Adorable. Great." Callie rolled her eyes at what she had become. Not that she was complaining.

Teddy glanced over Callie's shoulder and tipped her head in greeting. "Hey, Arizona. Everything okay?"

Callie turned just as Arizona grabbed her arm, wide-eyed and grinning. "Everything is _super_. I just got off the phone with UNOS, and Sophia's going to get her heart!"

Callie's own heart leapt at the excitement on Arizona's face. Sophia was a ten-year-old, long-term patient who had been waiting for a heart transplant for eight months. She had spent the last two in the hospital, her condition too fragile to manage at home. Callie knew that Sophia was special to Arizona, and the news clearly had her over the moon.

"That's fantastic," Callie said. She held open her arms, thrilled when Arizona threw herself into them with a joyful squeal. "This is a good day, huh?"

" _Awesome_ day." Arizona drew away so she could bounce up and down, then she clapped her hands. "Yay!"

Callie nearly burst into tears. _This_ was the Arizona she had fallen in love with. The one she hadn't seen in weeks. Not wanting to burst Arizona's bubble, but curious what the plan was, she asked, "Are you going to lead the transport team?"

Arizona blinked, smile faltering a bit. "No, I…" She threw back her shoulders. "I'm going to perform the transplant."

Unsure what to say, Callie simply nodded. If she asked _are you sure,_ she risked having Arizona think that Callie didn't believe she was ready to go back into the OR. In reality, Callie had no idea whether she was ready or not. That was something only Arizona could decide.

"I had a major surgery scheduled for this afternoon that got postponed," Teddy piped up from behind Callie. "If you wouldn't mind, I'd like to scrub in."

Arizona's face lit up. "That would be amazing. I'd love that."

Grateful that Teddy would be by Arizona's side, Callie still couldn't shake her fear about how Arizona would react if she had another lapse in the operating room. This surgery was longer and trickier than the appendectomy that had so recently proven to be Arizona's breaking point. After making so much progress, so quickly, Callie couldn't stand the thought that Arizona might risk it all for a surgery.

"Calliope." Arizona placed a hand on Callie’s cheek and forced her to meet her eyes. Callie realized she hadn't been doing a good job hiding her anxiety. "I can do this. I _have_ to do this. Sophia has been my patient for four years. I can't tell her parents that their daughter's surgeon can't handle the most important day of her life."

Arizona's confidence went a long way toward reassuring Callie that she would be all right. "I believe in you, darling. And I understand." Giving Arizona a small grin, Callie covered the slim fingers on her cheek with her own hand. "You're going to kick ass."

"Hell yeah, I am." Arizona looked at Teddy. "Is Yang on your service today?"

"She is."

"Why don't you let her know she needs to join the transport team to get the heart? When she gets back she can scrub in and assist with a heart transplant, peds style." Arizona clapped again. "I'm going to call Sophia's parents and tell them the news!" With that, she took off down the hall in a bouncy, excited blur of motion.

"Well, it wasn't Heelys, but that was pretty excellent to see," Teddy said.

"Yes, it was." Callie turned and met Teddy's gaze. "You take care of her in there, okay?"

"I have a feeling she'll take care of herself," Teddy said mildly, but nodded anyway. "But I'll definitely be there for her."

"I know you will," Callie murmured. She had two surgeries of her own that afternoon, but would try to sneak into the gallery to watch Arizona when she had the chance.

Not because she was hovering. She just liked to see Arizona shine.

#

Arizona took a deep breath and stared into the mirror hanging on her locker door, mentally readying herself for the next four to six hours. This was her last stop before she made her way to the scrub room for Sophia Young's heart transplant, her last chance to gather her strength and summon the will to perform her first surgery since that horrible appendectomy. The organ transplant team was due to land in twenty minutes, and once that happened there would be no more time to prepare.

She hadn't planned on returning to the OR so soon. Despite the progress of even just the past week, Arizona had imagined that she wouldn't feel comfortable cutting anyone open until she somehow felt "normal" again. She couldn't honestly say that she felt normal—or even knew yet what her new normal would feel like—but she did know that it was time for her to take back control of her professional life. Sophia was one of her kids, a girl she had seen grow from a chatty six-year-old to a thoughtful, compassionate ten-year-old with a startlingly old soul.

Arizona had to see their journey through. She just had to.

Just as the news of the DNA results had mobilized Arizona to start reclaiming her body and the intimacy she so needed with Callie, this new heart for Sophia sparked fierce determination to rediscover the confident professional she had always been. She refused to hand off this case to anyone else. And she would never do anything to put Sophia's life in jeopardy. That meant she had to keep herself in the moment, focus on her breathing, and not let her personal issues keep her from being the surgeon Sophia needed her to be.

A door opened behind Arizona, yanking her out of her deep focus. She glanced over her shoulder and smiled as Teddy walked in with purpose. "The transport team is fifteen minutes out," Teddy said.

"Awesome." Arizona closed the locker door and exhaled. "I'm ready."

"Are you?" Teddy asked kindly.

Arizona didn't bristle at the question because she knew Teddy understood exactly what she was going through. "I am." Arizona gave Teddy a determined nod. "I won't lie and say I'm not a little anxious, but not about my ability to do this surgery. Just…being back in the OR."

“Remember, emotionally you're in a different place now. You know what you're dealing with, you have the tools to cope with it."

Arizona pulled on her scrub cap and tied it with expert efficiency. "You're right. And I'll be surrounded by friends." Funny how she could think of Yang as a friend now, but after the way Cristina had helped her the night of the attack, Arizona understood the resident in a whole new way. She was a good person at her core, even if she wasn't always able to show it.

"Yes, you will." Teddy opened her locker, grabbing her own scrub cap and a bottle of water. "We're going to slay this surgery."

Not for the first time, Arizona mused that although she hated what made Teddy such an excellent support system, she was beyond lucky to have her. Taking advantage of the otherwise empty locker room, Arizona decided to share one more piece of good news. "This has been a pretty great week. And not just because I got my period."

Teddy closed her locker door and smiled. "Wish that didn't have to come as a relief, but I'm glad to hear it happened. Feel better?"

"Yeah." As a lesbian, Arizona had never had to worry about missing her period for that reason before. Though she knew the emergency contraceptive she had taken would work, that hadn't stopped Arizona from worrying about pregnancy every day since the rape. Her feelings about having children of her own were complicated enough, but the idea of carrying that man's baby was a nightmare that had haunted her since the instant he whispered his final words in her ear. _I hope I got you pregnant._ Shuddering, Arizona took a deep breath and forced her mind back to the present. "I've never been so happy for cramps and bloating in my life."

"I'll bet. So what else has been great this week?"

"Calliope." Unable to resist, Arizona dissolved into a goofy grin. "We've been working through some of my triggers together. And making out a little."

"Nice." Teddy pulled on her scrub cap, smiling crookedly. "And now Sophia gets a heart."

"The icing on the cake." Arizona took a deep breath and gestured toward the door. "Shall we go scrub in?"

"Absolutely." Teddy waited for Arizona to get close, then stopped her with a hand on her arm. "Hey. Remember, if something does happen, if you _do_ have a lapse…don't panic. Breathe. Look at me and breathe, okay? We'll get through it together."

Overcome by a rush of affection for her friend, Arizona threw her arms around a clearly startled Teddy and pulled her into a tight hug. "Thank you. I'm _so_ happy you're going to be in there with me."

Teddy's hands landed on her back and stroked gently. "Wouldn't miss it."

The locker room door opened again and Alex Karev stepped inside. He stopped short when he saw Arizona and Teddy embracing, clearly startled. The look that flashed across his face would have been almost comical if Arizona hadn't known that she was the one who put that nervous uncertainty there. He obviously realized he was interrupting something, and cringed as though Arizona was going to yell at him again.

Arizona pulled away from Teddy and gave him a polite smile. "Hi, Alex."

"Dr. Robbins." Tearing his eyes away from Arizona's face, Karev scowled and walked to his locker. No doubt he was deciding not to risk being nice again if it might backfire on him. "Dr. Altman."

"Dr. Karev." Teddy glanced at Arizona, cheeks light pink. "I'll see you in the OR?"

"I'll be right behind you," Arizona said, gesturing for Teddy to go ahead and leave. As much as she didn't particularly want to dwell on what had happened weeks ago, Arizona knew she owed Karev an apology. Things would be awkward until she offered one, and Arizona was tired of awkward. When Teddy closed the locker room door behind her, Arizona put her hands on her hips and bit her lip, staring at the back of Karev's head.

Karev must have felt her gaze burning into him, because he glanced over his shoulder with a sneer. "What?"

"I wanted to apologize, Dr. Karev." Arizona shifted her weight, lacing her fingers in front of her stomach. "For what I said to you on the balcony. I was out of line."

Karev returned his focus to his locker. "Don't worry about it. It's forgotten."

"I was having a bad day."

"I get it." Karev turned and pinned her with a hard expression, but Arizona could see the vulnerability he always tried to hide. "I do that, too, sometimes. It's cool."

"It's definitely _not_ cool," Arizona said softly. "But I appreciate you accepting my apology."

"Whatever." Karev shrugged dismissively, but Arizona could practically see the tension leave his body. "I'm a big boy. I didn't go home and cry in my soup over it or anything."

Pleased that their relationship seemed to have returned to normal, Arizona gave him a bright grin. "All right, then. I'm off to give a little girl a new heart."

"Of course you are," Karev muttered good-naturedly. "Go save a life, Dr. Robbins."

"That's the plan."

#

Callie sat in the front row of the gallery, eyes locked on Arizona's pink scrub cap as she strolled into the operating room. Teddy already stood at the table across from Yang, and both of them returned Arizona's sunny smile as she approached the prostrate form of the little girl who was hooked up to dizzying array of machinery.

"Are we ready to give Sophia her new heart, people?" Arizona said, holding her gloved hands in the air in front of her chest.

"I am!" Yang piped up, standing ramrod straight. Callie knew it was taking everything Yang had not to fall all over herself in excitement. There was nothing that got Cristina off quite like a cardiac procedure just before the first cut.

"That's the spirit." Arizona's eyes crinkled at the corners, a telltale sign that she was grinning beneath her mask. She lifted her gaze and the laugh lines intensified as she made eye contact with Callie. To Callie's relief, Arizona seemed pleased to find her watching. If Callie's presence made her nervous at all, Arizona didn't show it.

Callie would only be able to stay for the first twenty minutes or so of the surgery, having her own knee replacement to attend to in forty-five minutes. But she had wanted to show up for moral support, and also to reassure herself that Arizona was okay. There was no doubt that Arizona had the skills to knock this surgery out of the park. Callie's only concern was that Arizona might forget that if she let her nerves get away from her.

"We're ready to make the first incision," Teddy said quietly, handing Arizona a scalpel. "It's all you."

Arizona took the blade from Teddy and visibly exhaled, face relaxing as her smile disappeared from beneath the mask. Callie sat forward and watched, wishing she knew what was going through Arizona's mind. This was the moment of truth, the first time she would make a cut since the day of her flashback with Avery. Callie knew how badly that had shaken Arizona, that no matter how confident Arizona had acted earlier, there was no way she wasn't thinking back to that incident now.

Lifting the blade, Arizona positioned it over Sophia's chest, above her breastbone. But instead of cutting she hesitated, closing her eyes to take a deep breath. Callie's throat tightened as she waited for Arizona's familiar self-assured confidence to reappear. Not knowing what Arizona was thinking in that moment was torture. Callie couldn't tear her eyes away from Arizona's hand, terrified that it might begin to shake.

Teddy leaned closer and brought her mouth to Arizona's ear. Callie could see Teddy's mask moving, knew she was whispering something to Arizona, and the next thing she knew, Arizona's eyes were open and she was laughing out loud. Turning to raise an eyebrow at Teddy, Arizona bumped her with her hip then repositioned her scalpel for the first incision.

"Making the first cut," Arizona said in a voice full of easy confidence. Then she lowered her scalpel and did just that.

With a hand so steady Callie couldn't help but pump a triumphant fist into the air.

#

Six hours later, Arizona stood next to Teddy at the sink in the scrub room, washing her hands with a beaming grin on her face. The transplant had gone perfectly. So often even the most routine surgeries presented unforeseen complications, but every once in a while a procedure came along where everything happened exactly as it should. No frightening moments, no need for improvisation. Just pure, textbook cutting and suturing, beautiful in its precise rhythm.

Arizona was imminently grateful to the universe for allowing her first surgery back to be so uneventful. For giving her this one small break. Not that she was ready to give the universe all the kudos. Because she had rocked that transplant.

"You really are one hell of a surgeon," Teddy said, shutting off the sink. She dried her hands and nudged Arizona's shoulder with her own. "You were impeccable."

"We make a good team," Arizona said. "I really loved having you in there with me. Thank you."

"It was my pleasure." Teddy wrinkled her nose. "Yang was something, too. As much as it pains me to admit that at times."

Arizona gave Teddy a sympathetic smile, disappointed once again that Owen had broken her friend's heart. "I'm in awe of the way you're able to separate the professional from the personal. Sometimes I can barely stand to be in the same room as Mark Sloan. But you're a great teacher to Cristina. You have a strength of character that frankly astounds me."

"Well, at least Yang doesn't try to get a rise out of me." Rolling her eyes, Teddy pulled off her scrub cap and pocketed it. "I know Mark likes to remind you of his history with Callie whenever he has the chance."

Arizona shuddered at the thought of that history. "Yuck. Let's change the subject now."

"Good idea." Teddy handed Arizona a towel to dry off, waggling her eyebrows. "Why don't we go find Callie and tell her what a rock star you are?"

Arizona showed Teddy her dimples. "Like she doesn't already know."

" _And_ modest."

"Why be modest?" Arizona grabbed Teddy’s hand and pulled her toward the scrub room door. "I'm awesome."

Teddy snorted. "Fair enough."

Arizona opened the door and her heart soared at the sight of Callie leaning against the wall directly across the hallway. Dropping Teddy's hand, Arizona jogged to Callie and launched herself into the open arms she found waiting.

"Let me guess…you were perfect." Callie squeezed Arizona around the waist. "And Sophia has a shiny new heart."

Arizona tossed an I-told-you-so look over her shoulder at Teddy, who rolled her eyes again. "It was incredible," Arizona chirped. "Everything went just the way it was supposed to. And I was super-focused. Like, the only thing that existed in my world for those six hours was that little girl and her heart, and it was fantastic."

Callie gave her the grin that always made Arizona fall in love with her all over again. "We should celebrate." She waved Teddy over, loosening her hold on Arizona. "How about we head over to Joe's? I'm buying."

Obviously pleased by the invitation, Teddy approached while searching Arizona's eyes. "I'm up for it if you are, Arizona."

Still hovering on cloud nine, Arizona was surprised by the twinge of anxiety that threatened to deflate her mood. She hadn't really gone anywhere except the hospital and on her runs with Teddy since the attack. Certainly not to the bar. But old Arizona had loved hanging out with friends at Joe's—and Callie did, too—so this was something she needed to tackle. Yet another challenge to overcome.

"Hey, if you don't feel like drinks, the three of us could just head back to your place and order in." Callie's rapidly fading smile signaled that she saw Arizona's internal struggle. Arizona knew she was about to start backpedaling in a fury of rambling. "We could watch a movie or something. Just not _Annie_. No more _Annie_ for at least a month. Or we could—"

Arizona silenced Callie with a quick kiss on the cheek. "No, Joe's is good. That'll be good."

"You sure?" It was clear that Callie regretted even bringing it up. "I don't need to go to Joe's. I just want to spend time with you."

"Definitely," Teddy said quietly. "It's your call."

Embarrassed by all the concern on her behalf, Arizona stepped out of Callie's arms and gave them both a good-natured grin. "Relax, you two. I love going to Joe's. You know that."

"Cool." Teddy smiled. "It'll be fun."

"Yeah. Fun." Callie tilted her head, watching Arizona's face.

"Super fun." Arizona stuck out her tongue at Callie, relieved when that seemed to ease some of the tension between them. "Let me go talk to Sophia's parents for a few minutes, then I'll meet you two in the locker room." Taking a step away, Arizona mustered her best flirtatious expression and let her fingers trail a path down Callie's arm. "Smile, Calliope. I'll even let you help me change."

That elicited a genuine grin, which quickly dissolved into a smirk. "Change into what?"

#

Going to Joe's was harder than Arizona expected. When Callie opened the bar door and ushered her and Teddy inside, a wave of panic gripped Arizona and refused to let go. For a moment it stopped her dead in her tracks, but the knowledge that freezing would draw even more attention than walking through the room forced her feet to move again. Callie grabbed her hand and squeezed, meeting her gaze with concerned eyes, and Arizona managed a smile that she hoped was bright enough to cover her sudden, startling case of nerves.

Arizona had never suffered from social anxiety before, but she was certain this was what it felt like. The people, the noise, the close atmosphere of the bar—it was all more than she wanted to deal with. There were a number of familiar faces from the hospital in the crowd, and a handful regarded them as they weaved their way to an empty table in the corner. Though the glances lasted only brief moments, Arizona couldn't escape the gut-churning certainty that they were looking at her. Making judgments. Wondering what exactly had happened to her, and how she was handling it.

Callie stopped in front of the table and looked at Arizona. Her face was a study in worry. "You okay, baby?"

Arizona nodded quickly, cheeks hot. She didn't want any attention on her, even from Callie. "I'm fine." Easing past Teddy, she took a seat with her back to the wall. "Really."

Teddy sat beside her, but Callie remained standing. "What are you drinking, Teddy?"

"Beer. Fat Tire." Teddy gave Arizona a sidelong glance. "You?"

"White wine," Arizona told Callie. "You know what I like."

Callie gave her a cautious smile. "I do." She turned in the direction of the bar, leaving them with a weak wave. "I'll be right back."

As soon as Callie left them, Teddy scooted closer and spoke as quietly as she could while still cutting through the din of the crowd. "It's okay, Arizona. Nobody's paying any attention to you but me and Callie."

Arizona couldn't help smiling at Teddy's typically insightful reassurance. "So I _am_ being obvious about freaking out, you're saying."

"You do seem a little anxious." Teddy put her hand on Arizona's wrist, squeezed briefly, then pulled away. "But mostly I can just empathize."

Arizona sighed. "It sucks. I don't think I've ever felt this way before." Her gaze darted around the room, worried that she would find eyes on her. "Shy.”

"It'll get better. I promise."

"I hope so. Because up until we came here I was really starting to feel awesome again. And now..." Arizona shook her head. "I'm embarrassed. And pissed off."

"We won't stay long." Teddy scooted even closer, as though shielding her from the rest of the room. "Don't beat yourself up for these little setbacks, okay? Focus on the progress." She planted an elbow on the table and her chin on her hand, giving Arizona a warm smile. "Let's talk about how well things have been going. Because it sounds like you're doing great."

Arizona nodded and forced her attention onto Teddy's face. If she could block out all the rest of the noise in the bar, she had a feeling she would calm down. Before the rape it hadn't been difficult to keep her focus narrowed to only what was in front of her. After, she’d become hyper-aware of her surroundings, vigilant and wary. Arizona took a deep breath and reached back to the success she'd had in the OR. And the many strides she'd made over the past week with Callie.

"You're right. Things are good." Arizona perked up when she spotted Callie only feet from their table. "And looking better all the time."

Callie set a bottle of beer in front of Teddy, then gently handed a full wine glass to Arizona. "Ladies." She sat down and lifted her own bottle of Fat Tire. "To kick-ass peds surgeons. And the cardiac gods who stand beside them."

Arizona clinked her glass against Callie's bottle, then Teddy's. "And the hot ortho rock star who buys the drinks."

"Cheers." Callie took a long pull of her beer, then scooted her chair closer to Arizona's. "You doing okay, sweetheart?"

Two weeks ago, Arizona would have snapped at Callie for acknowledging her struggle. Tonight, the concern warmed her completely. Knowing that she had a partner who not only loved her, but also cared about how she was feeling, made her feel safe in a way very few things did anymore. Arizona rested her head on Callie's shoulder for a moment, then lifted up and kissed her cheek. "Much better now that you're here."

Callie curled an arm around Arizona's back and tugged her close. Then she gave Teddy a serious look. "So tell me how cute Arizona is when she's running with you. Does she talk about doughnuts the entire time, or just near the end?"

"I actually tie a doughnut on a string and keep pace a little bit ahead of her." Teddy took her own sip of beer, winking at Arizona. "Enticement, you know."

"That work?"

"I'll do anything for a doughnut.” Starting to feel more comfortable flanked by her partner and her best friend, Arizona leaned back in her chair and managed a genuine smile. "Calliope, you should know that better than anyone."

Callie raised an eyebrow and took another drink as she smiled around the mouth of her bottle. Teddy snorted laughter. "Sexual favors for doughnuts. Nice."

"Only for the ones with the sprinkles." Arizona took a large sip of wine, liking the way she almost instantly felt the fuzziness even a small amount brought on. Being a lightweight wasn't half bad. "I'm not _cheap_ or anything."

"Of course not," Teddy said.

"Cheap is the last word I'd use to describe you, darling." Callie grinned, and when Arizona grabbed her thigh under the table and squeezed, she laughed out loud. "Doughnut-gobbling freak, but never cheap."

"Wasn't this supposed to be a 'lift Arizona up' kind of outing?" Arizona complained, and mustered the most pitiful pout she could manage. "Seems like you both are kind of missing the point here."

"Aw." Callie dropped a kiss on Arizona's cheek. "I'll make it up to you later. Rainbow sprinkles."

"Rainbow sprinkles?" Emboldened by the half glass of wine she'd consumed so far, Arizona said, "I really hope that's a euphemism for sex."

Callie drew back, inhaling sharply. She took a quick drink, gaze flitting toward the bar, while her face reddened. Arizona's attempt at flirting had clearly made her nervous and that—more than just about anything—broke Arizona's heart. This was another challenge in front of her—rebuilding Callie's confidence with treating her like a sexual being.

"Rainbow sprinkles, huh? I like that one," Teddy said. "I've always called it 'making sandwiches'."

Callie managed a nervous chuckle and sat up straighter in her chair. "My college roommate called it 'darning her socks'".

Teddy dissolved into giggles. "Did her grandmother teach her that one?"

Arizona smiled and took another sip of wine, watching as Callie and Teddy launched into a lively back-and-forth on sexual euphemisms, which somehow turned into a discussion about favorite movies. It was nice to see two of the most important people in her life getting along so well, and Arizona relaxed within the warm glow of their friendship.

When Teddy got up to go to the bathroom some time later, Arizona was pleasantly buzzed and infinitely more comfortable than she had been when she came through the door.

As soon as Teddy was out of earshot, Callie turned to her with a gentle smile. "How are you feeling?"

"Warm," Arizona murmured, leaning against Callie's side. When Callie pulled her close and kissed the top of her head, she exhaled in pleasure. "Better."

"Coming here was hard, wasn't it?" Callie's voice was full of self-recrimination that was only slightly dulled by her obvious buzz. "I didn't really think about it when I suggested we come, but I could tell this made you nervous. I'm sorry."

Arizona shook her head. "I'm a big girl, Calliope. I've got to push myself sometimes."

"Well, I never want to force you to do anything you're not ready to do."

Arizona wasn't sure if she was imagining the subtext in Callie's statement, but decided to go with it. Drawing back, she shot Callie a meaningful look. "I know you would never force anything on me. And I need you to trust me to decide what I can and can't handle."

Callie nodded quickly. A little too quickly. "I trust you. Of course."

"Even when it comes to rainbow sprinkles. Okay?"

Throat tensing, Callie said, "Okay."

"Because I like rainbow sprinkles. A lot." Arizona moved her hand higher on Callie's thigh, stopping near her hip. "And I don't plan on letting him take that away from me. Please don't let him take it away from you, either."

Lowering her voice, Callie said, "I don't want to pressure you."

"You're not." If anything, Arizona was pressuring herself. But once she set her mind to something, she pursued it with a singular focus. That was exactly why she had always been so successful in her career—and recently, with Callie. "I want to tackle these challenges, Calliope. I want to find myself again. To do that, I need your help."

"Whatever you need." Callie took Arizona's hand and laced their fingers on the tabletop. "I'm here."

Arizona could still see the fear in Callie's gaze, but she knew Callie meant what she said. That was a good thing, because Arizona intended to up the ante soon. She may not be healed yet, but she was damn well going to get there as efficiently as she possibly could.

If he got to move on, so did she.

_To be continued…_


	10. Chapter 10

This story deals with the topic of **rape and** **recovery.** I am rating it a hard M for graphic depictions of rape, violence, and, eventually, consensual sex.

I would never write about rape frivolously, nor to titillate. There's a lot of fan fiction out there that deals with sexual assault in all manner of ways, many of them distasteful. The last thing I want to do is add to the litany of "rapefic" that traumatizes beloved characters for the sake of creating a juicy story.

At the same time, rape and sexual assault is a reality. As such, I believe it is a legitimate subject for fiction, especially when the focus is not so much on the physical act but on the psychological repercussions, the aftershocks such an event can unleash in a survivor's life.

If the frank depiction of rape and the pain of recovery (physical, emotional, and sexual) is likely to trigger or otherwise upset you, I would honestly give this story a pass. I don't plan on pulling any punches. I do plan on handling this the most respectful way I know how.

 

**CHAPTER TEN**

After weeks of ignoring her own physical needs, Callie Torres stepped under the hot spray of the shower with a single-minded focus on what was, this morning, an uncomfortable truth. She was horny as hell.

It wasn't surprising. Callie had always been the proud owner of a voracious sexual appetite, and it had been about a month since she and Arizona had made love. Even longer since she had gotten herself off. Somehow it hadn't seemed right to do so since Arizona's rape, not that she had even had much opportunity. When she wasn't with Arizona, she was exhausted or depressed or trying to distract herself by talking to friends. And when they were together—well, the last thing Callie wanted to do was let Arizona know how badly she craved physical release. That fell under the category of 'pressuring', as far as Callie was concerned. Which meant it wasn't an option.

Alone in the shower an hour before she had to be at work, Callie finally had a chance to attend to her raging libido. For the first time since the attack, she was able to entertain the thought of self-pleasure without experiencing crushing sadness or guilt, and she knew she had to seize this opportunity while she had the chance. Who knew when another would arise?

Callie set her feet apart and braced herself against the shower wall as she slipped her hand between her legs. She was already wet, slick and hot against her fingers. Biting her lip, she stifled a moan at how _fucking_ incredible it felt to touch herself. Already she could tell that it wouldn't take much to send her over the edge.

She began to rub in a slow, circular rhythm over her clit, then dipped her fingertips lower and toyed gently with her labia. Callie closed her eyes and imagined it was Arizona's hand that stroked her, and felt her ardor rise exponentially at the thought.

No, this wasn't going to take long at all.

A soft knock on the door made Callie gasp in surprise. She jerked her hand away from her pussy and straightened, glancing nervously over her shoulder. Not since she was a teenager had she felt so unnerved about the prospect of getting caught. "Yeah?"

"Mind if I come in?"

Callie stifled a disappointed groan. Of course Arizona couldn't wait to use the bathroom on the morning Callie was finally going to find relief. Not knowing how to refuse, Callie called out, "Of course not."

The door opened and Arizona stepped inside. Still dressed in the tank top and panties she had slept in, she took Callie's breath away. Hair mussed, eyes puffy with sleep, Arizona was the sexiest woman Callie had ever seen. The insistent throbbing between Callie's legs intensified, forcing her to look away in a desperate bid not to lose control right then and there.

"Good morning," Arizona murmured.

"Morning." Callie squirted some shampoo into her palm and quickly lathered her hair, listening as Arizona moved around the bathroom behind her. "How did you sleep?"

"Like a rock. No dreams."

"Good." Callie rinsed the soap out of her hair, and turned just in time to see Arizona pause in front of the shower door. Strangely self-conscious about her nudity, Callie gave Arizona an embarrassed grin. "I'll be out in a minute."

Arizona shook her head. "No, I…" She met Callie's eyes through the glass. "Do you mind if I join you?"

Shocked, at first all Callie could do was stare dumbly at Arizona's face as she tried to decide the motivation behind the request. In the past, showering together had often led to sex. Even when it didn't, it meant being in close proximity with Arizona at her most vulnerable. With the way Callie felt at that moment, she had no idea how she would hide her arousal from a wet, soapy Arizona right in front of her.

"Please?" Arizona said quietly.

Not wanting to make her feel awkward about what was obviously a big moment, Callie nodded and moved away from the door. "Yes. I'm sorry. Of course."

Arizona smiled and pulled her tank over her head. Heart pounding, Callie glanced away quickly. Since the rape, she hadn't seen Arizona naked beyond a fleeting glimpse of her battered body the night of the attack, when she’d surprised Arizona in the bathtub. Having seen how self-conscious Arizona had been then, and how frightened, Callie didn't know how to react now that she was being shown so much skin again. Even a quick look at Arizona's pink-nippled breasts left her so excited she ached.

The shower door opened, then closed. Arizona's hand landed on her shoulder, a tentative touch, and Callie startled at the surge of desire that shot through her at the contact. Squeezing gently, Arizona chuckled under her breath.

"And here I thought I would be the nervous one." Arizona's tone was light, but Callie heard a trace of uncertainty in her words. "Look at me, Calliope. Please. It's okay."

Callie turned, eyes fixed on Arizona's face. Water pounded against Callie's head and back, and she struggled to keep her focus above Arizona's neck rather than watch the excess spray that shot around her and soaked Arizona's bare skin. More than anything she wanted to drop her gaze and take in the beauty of Arizona's breasts, the tempting patch of curls between her thighs, but she was barely hanging on to her control as it was.

"Look at me so I know you still want me," Arizona whispered. Callie's heart sank at the sorrow that crept across Arizona's face to replace the brave smile that had been there only moments before. "I _want_ you to look at my body. I want this to feel comfortable again."

Callie forced her shoulders to relax. Then she mustered up her trademark smirk, and swept her gaze up and down Arizona's gorgeous curves. She let herself react—not too much, but hopefully enough to convince Arizona that lack of desire wasn't the problem. When she met Arizona's eyes again, obvious relief shone within them.

"That was a start." Arizona took a step forward, and Callie stepped back to allow her to duck her head and soak her hair under the spray. "I trust you, Calliope. I want this closeness back, but I don't want to make you uncomfortable."

"I don't want to make _you_ uncomfortable," Callie said. She picked up the bottle of shampoo and offered it to Arizona. "You know I want you. But not until you're ready. Not until it's right."

"I know. I'm not trying to rush anything. This is me taking baby steps. Being naked together without having sex is a baby step. Right?"

Callie didn't know whether she was more relieved or disappointed by Arizona's confirmation that sex was off the table. As terrifying as the idea had been, standing this close to Arizona's nudity had done nothing to diminish her desire. No matter how scary the thought of acting on it might be.

"Want me to wash your hair?" Callie surprised herself with the offer, but the moment she saw Arizona's eyes light up, she was glad she'd made it. "That's a baby step, isn't it?"

"Yes. That would be wonderful."

Callie squeezed a dollop of shampoo into her palm, then set the bottle down. Arizona moved to turn around, but Callie stopped her with a shake of her head. "I'd like to look into your eyes while I do this."

Arizona gave her a smile so full of love it hit her square in the gut, visceral and wrenching. "I'd like that."

Callie rubbed her hands together, then sank her fingers delicately into Arizona's blond locks, massaging her scalp with blunt nails. Arizona exhaled and hooked her hands behind Callie's neck, stepping so close their breasts pressed together. The innocent contact sent a fresh flood of wetness between Callie's legs. She was painfully aware of how swollen her pussy was, of the slickness of her labia and inner thighs, but she forced her attention away from her own body and focused instead on Arizona's reaction to her touch.

She saw comfort. Pleasure. Obvious arousal.

Arizona's pupils dilated under Callie's watchful stare, and she shifted her weight, subtly brushing their bodies together in a way that made Callie's heart pound so thunderously she knew Arizona surely felt it in her own chest. Giving Callie a happy smile, Arizona brought her head forward and ducked underwater, rinsing her hair while bringing their lips mere inches apart.

Unable to resist, Callie leaned closer slowly, giving Arizona plenty of time to retreat. But Arizona merely closed the distance between them and pressed their mouths together in a soft, wet kiss. Callie dropped her hands from Arizona's head to her shoulders, keeping her close, while Arizona's hands skimmed down Callie's sides to grip her hips tightly. They kissed for a long time, until they broke away by mutual consent, leaning their foreheads together and panting into the other's open mouth.

"That was nice," Arizona said after a few moments. "Very, very nice."

" _De acuerdo_ ," Callie murmured, slipping into Spanish unconsciously. That kiss had knocked the English language right out of her. " _Muy bonito._ "

Arizona groaned, a wanton sound that raised gooseflesh over Callie's entire body. "If you don't want things to get super heated, super quickly, I suggest you drop the Spanish. Now."

Callie drew back laughing. She needed space, because Arizona had a point. It would be so very easy to rush into something they didn't have time to do right. That wasn’t to say that Callie believed either of them was ready for the next step, even if they didn't have to be at work soon. "Sorry about that."

Arizona bit back a smile. "I'm not."

"Want me to scrub your back?" Callie picked up a bath sponge and body wash. "You can get your front."

"Okay." Arizona presented Callie with her back without hesitation. This was something that had become natural for them again, with Arizona no longer worrying about having Callie behind her. She continued to be sensitive around others, but not when they were alone. Thank God.

Callie squirted soap onto the sponge, then handed the bottle to Arizona, who poured some in her palm. Arizona rubbed her hands together then smoothed them over her breasts, her stomach, between her legs. Callie watched Arizona's arms work as she washed herself, trying and failing to concentrate solely on the motion of her own hand over Arizona's spine. She stopped short of running the sponge lower than the small of Arizona's back, not wanting to risk more intimate touching.

After a couple minutes they had Arizona clean, and Callie turned off the water, grimly aware that she was still very turned on. She hadn't wanted to touch herself at all, even to wash, lest her control slip and she fall over the edge right in front of Arizona. When Arizona stepped out of the shower and onto the bath mat, Callie let her gaze linger on Arizona's shapely bottom, biting the inside of her lip against the pang of pure need the sight provoked.

"Coming?" Arizona glanced over her shoulder, caught Callie looking, and smiled.

Face hot, Callie followed Arizona out of the shower. "I've got a surgery first thing this morning. Laminectomy. Should be interesting." She was babbling. She knew she was babbling. It was either that or let her libido take over. "Have you ever watched a laminectomy? It's…interesting."

"Maybe I'll sit in for part of yours," Arizona said. The half-smile on her face told Callie that she was doing a poor job of hiding her nerves. "I've got a clubfoot repair at nine o'clock." After a brief hesitation, Arizona tugged Callie close, bringing their naked bodies together again. "Thank you for an awesome morning, Calliope."

Not knowing what to do with her hands, Callie patted Arizona's back awkwardly. "Uh, my pleasure?"

Arizona giggled. Body flush against Callie's, she wasted no time grabbing Callie's arms, then slid her hands down to entangle their fingers. Arizona moved their joined hands down over her bare sides, guiding Callie to rest on her hips. When Arizona released her, Callie gripped the soft curves beneath her palms on instinct, to keep Arizona close.

"I'd like to try some more baby steps soon," Arizona murmured. She came up on her toes, and kissed Callie's bottom lip. "Maybe next time we manage to carve out a quiet evening at home. When we have a little more time."

Callie swallowed as her throat went dry. "Uh…yeah. Whatever you want." Her fingers crept lower to curl around the swell of Arizona's buttocks. "If you're…I mean, if you're ready for another baby step."

"Oh, I am." Arizona's eyes had darkened, a sure sign that she was turned on. Callie couldn't detect even a hint of fear in her gaze. "Very ready."

Somehow, Callie couldn't imagine how that was true. Four weeks was barely any time at all, especially when the first two had been so full of trauma and sadness. “Don't push yourself too hard. Okay? I would wait for you forever."

"But I'm tired of waiting." Grinning, Arizona dropped her hand between Callie's thighs, drawing a surprised groan from Callie when her fingers slid wetly over the puffy labia. “So are you." Arizona gave her a playful smile as she raised the hand to her mouth, licking Callie's juices from her fingers. "Why don't I go make coffee? You go ahead and finish up in here."

Paralyzed, Callie stood silently as Arizona grabbed a towel from the rack and left her with a sultry smile. As soon as the bathroom door closed, leaving Callie alone, she grabbed the edge of the sink, planted her feet apart, and gave her clit three hard strokes with the fingers of her right hand.

That was all it took.

#

As it turned out, their next quiet evening at home came only three days later. Arizona's two surgeries that afternoon were completed by five o'clock, and Callie finished up her third surgery only an hour after that. They met in the locker room and hurriedly changed into their street clothes, then held hands as they rushed out of the hospital before anyone could stop them from leaving. Since their shared morning shower, Arizona had done nothing but think of the next time they would have the opportunity to spend unbroken hours together. Tonight felt like the night. Both of them had been running themselves ragged at the hospital all week, and Arizona couldn't think of a better way to unwind than going to bed and sharing a pizza after they worked up an appetite.

Arizona had no idea how Callie would react if she suggested they go straight to bed. She was certain Callie was horny—it had been totally obvious in the shower the other morning, if not pretty much every moment since. Though Callie had been doing an admirable job of suppressing her needs, Arizona knew her partner well. She doubted Callie had ever gone so long without, post-shower climax from her own hand notwithstanding.

Arizona was determined that they both find satisfaction tonight. Overcoming another challenge in the process would be the icing on the cake.

When they got back to Arizona's apartment, Callie peeled off her jacket and hung it on the hook near the door. "Want to order a pizza or something?"

"Great minds." Arizona grinned and removed her own light coat. "You hungry now?"

"I could eat." Callie collapsed onto the couch with a tired sigh, and glanced over her shoulder at Arizona. "Why? Are you not hungry?"

"Oh, I'm hungry." Allowing every bit of her interest seep into her tone, Arizona walked around the couch and sat near Callie. She placed her hand on Callie's wrist, then trailed her fingertips over the tender skin on the underside of her arm. "Just figured pizza could be dessert."

Callie's eyes widened and she went still. Arizona wasn't surprised to see momentary panic flash in her eyes, but expecting it didn't dampen her disappointment at its appearance. For the past few days, Arizona had really turned on the charm, flirting shamelessly whenever she had the opportunity. She could tell that Callie enjoyed it on some level, though on another it seemed like a particularly painful form of torture. Callie was trying so hard to suppress her desire, to the point she almost seemed distant at times. No matter what she said or how she said it, Arizona couldn't seem to convince her that she was ready for this next step.

But Arizona promised herself that this evening would be different. She ached with the need to reconnect, to let Callie erase her body's memories of that night. That man. More importantly, Arizona yearned to bring Callie pleasure, to show her that no matter what else had changed, her physical need for Callie remained the same.

"Are you sure?" Callie's voice quavered as worry passed over her face. Despite Callie’s obvious fear, Arizona could also see her ardent desire. She no longer doubted that Callie wanted her. Clearly it was only Callie's anxiety about moving too fast that held her back.

Arizona didn't know how else to convince Callie that she was ready for this except to push forward with confidence. She scooted closer and brought her hand up to caress Callie's cheek. Leaning in, Arizona initiated a soft kiss that quickly turned heated.

After a while, Arizona broke away with a moan. ”Why don't we take off our clothes and get in bed? We'll see where things go. No pressure."

Callie's nostrils flared. "No pressure. Right."

When Arizona stood and offered her hand, Callie accepted it after only a brief hesitation. Nerves fluttering, Arizona led them to her bedroom, hating that this felt anything but comfortable. Before, sex was fun and easy and their favorite way to express their deep emotion for one another, not to mention let off steam. Now making love was fraught with deep psychological meaning, and the threat of trauma seemed to lurk under the surface of every single interaction they had. No matter how confident Arizona was that she was ready for this, Callie's hesitation gave her pause.

_Was_ she pushing too hard? Arizona closed the bedroom door behind them and took a deep breath. For the past week she had been taking on challenge after challenge, with relative success. Why should this be any different? She wanted Callie. And she was going to have her.

Callie stopped near the bed and searched Arizona's face. "I love you."

"I know." Arizona closed the distance between them, drawing strength from Callie's words. "I love you, too."

"Let's take this slow, okay?" Teeth worrying at her lower lip, Callie pulled her shirt over her head and tossed it onto the floor. "We don't have to go all the way."

Arizona chuckled. She traced the swell of Callie's left breast where it rose above her bra cup, then the right. "What if I want to go all the way?"

"Then we will." Callie's hands trembled as she cradled Arizona's face in her palms. She stared into Arizona's eyes, quiet and sober. "Talk to me, okay? And I'll talk to you. Tell me what you like and what you don't like. You won't hurt my feelings. I just…need your help to make this safe for you."

Arizona kissed Callie again, bringing her hands around to fumble with the catch on the back of her lacy black bra. She loved the way Callie filled out lingerie, ample curves in all the right places, but felt desperate for skin-on-skin contact. Since their shower that was all Arizona could think about—the silky heat of Callie's smooth, tanned skin on hers again.

Callie whimpered into her mouth as Arizona eased the bra off her shoulders, then discarded it on the floor. Not breaking away for even an instant, Arizona dropped her hands to the button on Callie's jeans and thumbed it open, then tugged the denim down over her hips. She ran her hands greedily over Callie's lacy panties before pulling at them as well.

Gasping, Callie drew back from their kiss to finish pulling her panties and jeans down the length of her long legs. She stepped out of them to stand in front of Arizona, gloriously bare. Arizona loved naked Callie—thick and supple, all woman, so lush it made Arizona's mouth water. Aware that she was staring, Arizona finally dragged her gaze up to Callie's face with a sheepish grin.

"You look delicious." Arizona placed a hand on Callie's shoulder, pressing her backward until she collapsed onto the bed. "Sit down."

Callie snorted nervous laughter. "Yes, Dr. Robbins."

Arching an eyebrow, Arizona murmured, "Oh, I like that."

"I'll bet you do." Callie leaned back on her elbows and smiled mildly. "For you, I'll do anything. You want control, I’ll surrender it."

"Thank you, Calliope." Arizona stripped off her own shirt and jeans, not even feeling a twinge of self-consciousness this time. It had been harder the other morning in the bathroom, but now her only concern was giving Callie pleasure—and taking some for herself. "Why don't you lie down?"

Callie reclined in the center of the bed, and watched as Arizona removed her panties. "You're so beautiful."

Arizona blushed at the blatant adoration in Callie's gaze. "So are you."

Callie opened her arms, clearly hesitant. "Come here, baby. Let me feel you."

Grateful for the invitation, Arizona climbed into bed and settled on top of Callie's warm body, both of them sighing at the contact. Arizona's leg slipped between Callie's thighs as Callie's hands landed on her shoulders to stroke lightly. They had shared this intimate embrace dozens of times, and yet somehow Arizona felt simultaneously like she was coming home and discovering something terrifically, breathtakingly new.

"Hi," Arizona whispered, gazing down into Callie's brown eyes. She watched Callie's battle with arousal play out on her face, fascinated by the self-control she could see being exercised. Despite what looked like need so intense it had Callie trembling beneath her, her touch remained light and non-threatening. Almost non-sexual. But Arizona knew better. "I missed you."

Callie's lower lip trembled. "Oh, baby, I've missed you, too."

Arizona dipped her head and ran her tongue along Callie's quivering lip, then slipped into her mouth with a languid moan. Callie kissed her back softly, her entire body vibrating with what Arizona knew was tremendous effort not to escalate things until Arizona took them to the next level. Knowing how difficult that had to be for her control-freak lover, Arizona grabbed Callie's arms and wrenched them above her head, holding the backs of her hands flat against the mattress. She laced her fingers with Callie's and kept her in place as their kisses grew more and more passionate.

Arizona tore her mouth away only when she was desperate for air. "May I lick you?"

Callie tipped her head back and moaned as though the question alone was enough to bring her off. "Yes."

"You sure?" Arizona used the tip of her tongue to play with the shallow dent above Callie's upper lip. "I don't have to."

"Positive."

Giggling, Arizona released Callie's hands to start the sensual journey down the length of her body. She planted wet, open-mouthed kisses along her throat, over one breast, then the other, paused for a moment to nibble on Callie's rock-hard nipples, then quickly continued to her destination between Callie's thighs. Any thought she had of teasing Callie, of drawing this out, fled with her awareness that Callie's pussy was shockingly wet, and scorching to the touch. Desperate to satisfy her, Arizona hauled one leg over her shoulder and covered Callie's pussy with her whole mouth. She sucked gently while using her tongue to trace over swollen folds, then pressed the tip inside Callie's tight opening with a hum of contentment.

Callie cried out in Spanish, throaty words Arizona hadn't heard in weeks. The sound of Callie's pleasure sent a rush of wetness between her own thighs, leaving her slick and throbbing with need. So far nothing about this felt scary. In fact, until that moment Arizona had forgotten there was any reason at all to be cautious.

Arizona circled Callie's clit with her tongue, aware that Callie's hands were fisted in the sheets beside her hips, hanging on tightly. Usually Callie would tangle her fingers in Arizona's hair for this, to keep her on task, but Arizona knew she was trying to avoid any possible triggers. She smiled and lapped gently at Callie's labia, so full of love she was certain her actions would speak louder than any words ever could.

" _Más_ ," Callie choked out. " _Más, por favor._ "

Arizona pulled back, face wet with Callie's juices. " _Si, mi amor_." She slowed down the movement of her tongue, drawing out the sweet torture until Callie's thighs were quaking beside her head.

"Oh, fuck," Callie groaned wantonly. But just as Arizona expected to feel her release, Callie grasped her shoulder and squeezed. "Come here, Arizona. Come up here and kiss me."

Arizona surged up the length of Callie's body, capturing her mouth in a hard kiss. She loved how Callie enjoyed tasting herself on her lips, the way she sucked her own juices from Arizona's tongue and chin, greedy for more. Kissing Callie passionately, Arizona rocked against her belly and moaned in ecstasy.

Callie's hands landed on her hips, gripping tightly and encouraging her to rock harder. She broke away from their kiss, and said, “May I touch you?"

Dimly, Arizona was aware that this was the moment of truth, this would be the first time anyone touched her pussy outside her own tentative explorations. But she was so turned on, so impossibly aroused, that being afraid didn't even occur to her. "Please."

Callie's hand left her hip and eased between their bodies. Gentle fingers slid along Arizona's labia and Arizona startled slightly at the intimate caress, dismayed when she had a brief flash of the last time someone had touched her there. _This is Calliope_ , she reminded herself, and kept her eyes open to stare into Callie's face. Callie's fingers rubbed her clit tentatively, sending a ripple of pleasure through Arizona's abdomen. Just as Arizona began to relax, Callie turned her head to the side and whimpered, tightening her other hand on Arizona's ass.

"Fuck, you're wet," Callie said, and Arizona's throat tightened as a wave of shame and revulsion rolled over her.

_You're wet._ Arizona tensed in anticipation of the agony of penetration, no longer on top of Callie but lying on her stomach in the grass, at the mercy of a man whose only desire was to get off on her pain. She could feel Callie's hand stroking her tenderly, but she felt disconnected from her body, from Callie, from the safety of this private moment with the woman she loved. Instead, she felt dirty and disgusting. _You're wet. Filthy whore._ Embarrassed and ashamed, Arizona grabbed Callie's wrist.

"Stop." Arizona's voice came out breathy and panicked. "Stop."

Callie pulled away in an instant. Arizona came back to the present swiftly, aware that Callie had stiffened beneath her, still and watchful, hands held out at her sides. Non-threatening. Meaning her no harm. Frightened beyond words.

"Goddamn it," Arizona whispered brokenly, rolling off Callie's body. She curled up on her side and faced away from Callie so she wouldn't have to meet her eyes. After all Callie’s concern that they were moving too fast, Arizona had gone ahead and proven her right. The knowledge that this awkward, terrifying moment was all her fault only compounded Arizona's shame. She couldn’t even look at Callie. Arizona had pushed them to this place, and in doing so, caused Callie to hurt just as badly as she did.

"What happened?" Callie's voice cracked. "What did I do?"

Arizona shook her head. Tears stung her eyes, but she tried to hold them back. "It's not your fault."

"Everything seemed great, and then…" Exhaling shakily, Callie shifted closer, yet didn't make contact. "I shouldn't have touched you there. I'm sorry."

"It wasn't that." Squeezing her eyes closed, Arizona cursed the tears that broke free and rolled down her cheeks. "I'm sorry, Callie. I didn't know I would react that way."

Callie touched her shoulder and Arizona jerked away on instinct. Immediately Callie pulled back as though burned. "Tell me what happened. Please."

Arizona couldn't turn to face her. This was the one part of her rape she had kept to herself, the only thing she had never admitted aloud. It was the secret she had intended to bury deep inside, too humiliated to share it with anyone. But how else could she explain why Callie's words had triggered such deep, fiery shame? Aware that she had to tell Callie, the only way she could force out the words was by keeping her eyes tightly shut.

"That night before I left work, we kissed in the elevator." Arizona curled in on herself, embarrassed not only by what happened, but also because she had been too afraid to tell Callie before now. "We made out. And it made me…I was wet."

Behind her, Callie inhaled swiftly, but stayed silent.

"When he…when he touched me with his fingers, before he…" It took effort not to let bile rise in her throat at the still-vivid memory she had been trapped inside only moments ago. "He taunted me for being wet. Called me…a name. Like it was for him."

"But you know it wasn't." Callie's tone was hollow.

"I know, but it…" Arizona shivered, wishing she weren't still naked. "That doesn't make me feel any less disgusting."

"You're not disgusting." Callie's voice hardened. " _He's_ disgusting."

Arizona took a deep breath, then sat and pulled her knees to her chest. She wiped her tears away and glanced at Callie, searching her face. Arizona didn't know how to interpret all the turmoil she saw there—anger, sadness, fear, and unmistakable guilt warred for dominance in Callie's dark eyes.

"I know," Arizona whispered.

"I said you were wet. I touched you and said you were wet. Just like him." Callie's face crumbled. She balled her hands into tight fists and pressed her knuckles to her forehead. "If I had known, I wouldn't have done that."

"I'm sorry." A fresh flood of tears rolled down Arizona's cheeks at the rising emotion in Callie's voice. "I didn't realize—"

"Yes, you did." Callie dropped her hands and whipped her head around to pin Arizona with an accusatory stare. "Why didn't you tell me? You're supposed to talk to me. If you can't be honest about your triggers, how the hell can I avoid them?"

Arizona flinched at the sharpness of Callie's tone. Old Arizona would take exception to being scolded so harshly. But new Arizona deserved it. Callie hadn't wanted to rush into sex but she’d insisted, without giving her all the information she'd needed to make Arizona feel safe. It didn't really matter that she hadn't anticipated what might happen. For weeks Callie had done everything she could to be the perfect partner, to protect Arizona, and Arizona had practically set her up for failure.

"I'm sorry," Arizona whispered again. "I was too embarrassed to tell you. If I'd known it would cause this, I would have."

Callie crawled off the bed and walked to the dresser. Her movements were stiff and controlled, a clear indication that she was still angry. Rummaging through one of the drawers she had recently taken over, she withdrew a favorite T-shirt and practically threw it at Arizona.

"I don't know what else I can do." Callie's hands shook as she found another T-shirt and tugged it over her head. "I've done everything I know how to do and I still wound up hurting you." She shut the drawer hard, knocking the dresser up on its rear legs before it dropped back into place with a quiet thump. "You should have trusted me, Arizona. We shouldn't even be _thinking_ about having sex if you can't tell me what you need from me."

Arizona pulled Callie's T-shirt over her head, instinctively taking a deep whiff of the well-worn grey fabric. Callie's unique scent clung permanently to the cotton now, and it soothed Arizona even as Callie raged on. "I said I was sorry." Aware that the words sounded pathetic and empty, Arizona gave her a helpless shrug, wanting desperately to explain. "It's not an issue of trust. I wasn't going to tell anyone…about that."

Callie folded her arms over her breasts, still standing by the dresser. "Not even Teddy?"

"What?" The venom in Callie's tone caught Arizona off-guard. "No."

Tightening her jaw, Callie glanced away to stare at a spot on the wall. Arizona could see that she was trying to hold back whatever it was she wanted to say.

"I didn't tell Teddy," Arizona said. "Or Detective Mendoza. Or you." Hot tears continued to stream down Arizona's face, and God, she was tired of crying. "I didn't tell _anyone_ because I didn't think it was anyone's business. As it turns out, I should have. And I'm so goddamn sorry about that, Calliope, but I can't change it now."

Tears spilled from Callie's eyes as her face twisted in anger. "I warned you about pushing too hard." She pinned Arizona with cold eyes devoid of any of the affection Arizona had come to take for granted. "Did you even think about me before you decided to throw caution to the wind? How _I_ would feel if this didn't work?"

"I thought it would be okay," Arizona whispered. "I wanted you, Calliope. That's all."

"I feel like a fucking rapist." Callie's chin trembled and her voice wavered. "That's how you just made me feel."

Arizona's stomach turned over and for a moment she was sure she would be sick. But she was too empty inside to throw up. A cold void bloomed deep in her chest and spread outward, down her arms to her fingers, through her abdomen and on to the tips of her toes. The last thing she had ever wanted was to hurt Callie. Not when Callie had done nothing but try so hard to do everything right.

A powerful wave of self-loathing took Arizona's breath away. She lifted the comforter and crawled beneath so her lap was covered, then brought the edge of the blanket up to hide her face. Never had she felt so emotionally flayed, so full of hatred for herself. She couldn't even look at Callie. She didn't deserve to.

Sobbing uncontrollably, Arizona studied a loose thread on the underside of the comforter. "I wish I could take it back. And I…" Her shoulders shook at the thought of how much she had wounded the person she loved most in the world. "I hope you can forgive me."

"Oh, Arizona," Callie murmured. In a flash, she was sitting on the mattress beside Arizona, peeling the blanket away from her face. Her eyes were totally drained of anger. Only horror remained. "No. No, no, no. I'm so sorry, you…" Swallowing, Callie reached out tentatively, and when Arizona didn't react, she placed a gentle hand on Arizona's back. "You didn't deserve that."

"Yes, I did." Arizona swiped at her tears with both hands, determined to suck it up and take responsibility like a grown-up. Her tears only made Callie feel even guiltier, which wasn't at all what Arizona wanted to do. "You're right. I should have told you. I did push too hard, clearly. I thought I was ready, but you're right, I should have thought of you, about how you'd feel if…" Arizona scowled when the tears kept coming, wiping them away angrily. "If that happened."

"Obviously you didn't know it would." Callie blinked, dropping her hand to hold Arizona's. "I know that. And I understand not wanting to…" She paused, clearly trying to choose her words carefully. "Wanting to keep certain things private. I'm not entitled to every detail."

"You are when it affects you." Exhausted now that it seemed they were mending what had been damaged between them, Arizona slumped against Callie's side. "It was a stupid thing to keep secret. I know it didn't mean anything. What he said, and what my body…was like."

Callie shook her head, pulling her closer. "It's not stupid. I just wish I hadn't brought that memory up for you." She sniffled, and Arizona watched a renewed crop of tears track freely down Callie's cheeks. "I don't want to be associated with something like that. I don't want to make you think of him."

"You don't," Arizona whispered, but her words fell flat. They both knew what had just happened. Arizona wondered how she would ever be able to convince Callie to try making love again. "You're not him."

Callie turned her face away as the tears really began to flow in earnest. "None of this is your fault. Not the rape, not what happened tonight. No matter what I said. Okay?"

A lump rose in Arizona's throat, making it hard to swallow. "Okay."

"Sorry I yelled," Callie murmured. She gathered Arizona in her arms and rocked her gently. "Should I order pizza now?"

Arizona mustered a humorless bleat of laughter. "I'm not very hungry."

"You need to eat." Callie's hand very cautiously touched her side. "You're getting too skinny."

"We can get pizza," Arizona said. After the trouble she'd caused, she wasn't about to argue. She hesitated, then eased away to look into Callie's eyes. "You didn't get to…finish. Do you want me to…" Arizona glanced at the space between Callie's thighs, very aware that the scent of her arousal still hung heavily in the air. Touching Callie had been the one bright, shining revelation of the night, and Arizona sensed that bringing Callie pleasure could go a long way toward healing some of the pain that still lingered between them. "I really enjoyed that part."

Callie shook her head, angling her thigh to block access to her pussy. "No, that's…I'm fine."

"You sure?"

Taking both Arizona's hands in her own, Callie ducked her head and stared deeply into her eyes. "I will wait for you, as long as it takes. Understand?"

It took all Arizona's effort not to start crying again. Not because she didn't believe Callie—that wasn't the problem. It was just that after what had happened, she wasn't sure that Callie would ever trust her to know she was ready again. Tonight had been her chance to prove she could move on and she'd blown it. Big time. And now Arizona sensed they were taking three steps back.

That sucked. Hard.

Determined not to let Callie see her disappointment, Arizona plastered on the bravest smile she could manage. "I understand."

_To be continued…_


End file.
